Database troubles. Support troubles. Same old story. I don’t seem to care as much as I did a month ago… and it doesn’t seem to be getting worse. We’re just doing what we can.
That’s the way it goes.
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Wednesday:
From a friend…
I had a really good Halloween. We had a nice party. Lots of friends, all dressed in some very nice costumes. I thought it was going to be a little difficult to get some of them to follow along, but they did it! We even finished off a keg of cider. We never finish off a keg anymore.
It took me all the next day to get out of bed, though… not because I felt sick or anything, but just because staying in bed felt like a better alternative than actually deciding what to do. I guess that’s what work is good for normally.
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Tuesday:
Pluck my fear from my face.
Poke your anger into my back.
Do what you need to do to love me.
Make me no mind, with a pleasant disposition.
Or perhaps a convenient place to lay your head.
Or maybe the solution to everything wrong,
The bringer of all that is wonderful.
Fight with my happiness,
and wrestle with my tears.
Feel my heart wash over yours,
and forget your tombstone forever.
Alive or sad.
Life do us part.
We will worship each other,
until the sun remembers our names.
And what gets me down? Some people just can’t seem to see past their nose. They can’t forget about their initial reaction to something to get down to the real meaning there. Does a stinky baby want to smell bad? Probably not… it probably just needs a little help.
I think someone with a stinky mind or a stinky way of thinking about things is in the same sort of state… They just need a little helping airing things out. Sometimes you just have to think a thought through before you realize how dumb it is. Sometimes, I say something… and everyone just sort of looks at me, and I’m like, “where’d that come from? … Third grade or something?” Sometimes I get something stuck in my head, and then it never comes up for a really long time so I never re-evaulate it with all the new things I’ve had going through my mind since then.
I think a lot. I actually mark time a bit by how many things I’ve thought during the increment…. Time doesn’t seem to be moving if I’m not thinking. It moves for real, but not in idallas-space… And that makes me feel like I’m wasting time.
I don’t much like to waste time.
I do seem to like talking about myself a lot, though. Who wants to read about that?
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Saturday:
I really do believe that people can live together and share thoughts and ideas and make love in peace and universal harmony. I really do. Sometimes, I start to wonder… but then I find some amazing new person or thing or hear some wonderful new music, or see some mesmerizing new movie… It just takes something beautiful like that to remind me that there really is more than just my worldly worries. It’s not that things are perfect or anything, but maybe my problems really don’t matter a whole lot at all…
The only thing that really does matter, I guess, is my own happiness. I don’t know how to define that sort of thing, though… and my logical mind can’t deal with undefined quantities… or something. I don’t know how to work towards something I can’t imagine.
I guess maybe I’m not supposed to imagine it, though. I think maybe I’m just supposed to be it. Just be, right? Yeah, hah. easy.
Why do we have to feel insufficient to have the motivation to drive toward greatness? It seems to be one of the great tragedies… I guess it’s actually the tragedy. All the great men and women can’t be happy. And all the onlookers can’t be happy either, because they want everything the greats don’t appreciate and they know they’ll never have it.
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Wednesday:
There are a lot of very beautiful and amazing people around.. and I think I might even know some of them. Sometimes, I just sort of think about how crazy about some of my friends I am. I guess a lot of people probably feel pretty close to the people around them, but just what is that feeling? That camaraderie thing?
I notice it more when music is playing… and when the people around me are not minding each other’s faults.
rain
and sun
come on me
I open my mouth
and my eyes
and let your beauty inside
me
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Saturday:
catapult
my mind
far from here
floating
high up
above you and yours
caring
less and less
the more I watch
falling
maybe so
do I care?