La la la.
Fun for la la all.
Whee go racing down the hill,
and wish we were alone at home.
But only so we could be immersed in a book about fairies and heartbroken fantasies.
Or maybe a tragedy show on television we could tell our friends about later.


Happy Freedom Day and all that, my cronies!

I’ve been dealing with a lot of random server problems so far today… but I’m doing it in style in my special red, white, and blue outfit — brand new just for today, yay!

Later, the honey and I will be off to watch a parade in Claremont, and then back halfway across the state to Marina Del Rey for the fireworks fun at Margo’s apartment. Whee.

Have fun and be safe, my lovelies!

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Elements have been exploding around me while others have been coming together to form wonderful new molecules and mixtures that I hadn’t thought of before. I suppose this is an ongoing process, but it is still wonderous to watch and learn from.

I’m starting to develop some major gripes with the health insurance companies I’ve come into contact with.

They charge a lot for what they do for one thing, and we’re all practically forced into paying it. Well, in my case, my company pays for it, but that just means less money is left for me!

For another thing, the coverage is pretty weak. Friends of mine have had troubles getting what they need done paid for. If the insurance doesn’t cover what we need, what are we paying for??

On top of that, they just plain suck.
Mature, I know.

Socialized health care really does seem to be the logical choice.

Adopt a pattern of selfless delight and stick with it for as long as you can. If you are strong enough to do it for long enough, you’ll start to see other people around you doing it, too. They might not even realize it, but they’ll still be contributing energy to your cause and it will become easier over time to maintain your delightful stance.

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Happy Heart Day and all that.
My day is going pretty well.
Things have been a little weird for the past couple of weeks, partly due to some health issues and partly just due to moodiness, but I think everything is on an upswing now.
Wahoo for that.

I’ll give you some extra-special love now:

la la la low.
Lip lip lam lee.
Larp limp lump loop.
Shram fragam mabam meebee.

Some days.
Hours upon hours, stacking up.
Drop drop drop. The water in the sink.

Rain drips tapping on the window.
Can I come in?

I’m waiting for something.
Please don’t bother me.

I won’t bother you.
I’ll just come in and be quiet.

I open up the window and let the rain fall in.
For a moment, all is peaceful and maybe well.
And with the rain comes the grumble of thunder.
And with the thunder comes the shock of lightning.
And the sky darkens.

And the rain drips I let in have left, and the storm has come.

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My cat is still outside after 2 and a half weeks or so now. She just won’t come when I call her. This is starting to get sort of ridiculous. It’s not really like she ran away since she’s still in the immediate area, but it’s not completely like she didn’t, either. I’m not sure if I should leave food out for her or what…
I have to figure something out pretty quick now, though!

I’m back in action after a 5 day trip to Ohio. My Mom is doing well. She quit smoking a couple of weeks ago. That’s a new thing for me… she was a smoker through pretty much all of my life up to now. Yay for her!

It’s good to be back at home. I always like that feeling. And now I’m starting to feel the pull of all those things I wasn’t doing while I was away.


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Directly to Mars, the creature crawls.
The earth meanders through the universe, casting the hopeful rays of heaven.
A single eye catches sight of the creature, far down below and swoops down to eat it.

There’s something heavenly happening.
It’s oozing from the streets and streaming down from the trees.
It’s replacing all the world’s usual smells and tastes with ones much more powerful.
It’s pumping up the volume and overexposing photographs and making real what once was unreal.
It’s defeating the purpose and recontriving reality, and all in the blink of an eye.

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I ate dinner with Annalisa, Matte, and Justin tonight. We had some Vietnamese food. Justin brought his Vietnamese phrase book along and looked up some of the food words.

I find Boston so relaxing compared to LA. I don’t think it’s so much the people or the city, but more just being out of my usual context. I don’t lead a generally relaxing life. That’s just the way it is.

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the end of the world has started.
I guess. That’s the general feeling I’ve been getting from people anyhow. George W. Bush as president is going to send our country spiraling onto some sort of chaotic path to hell or something. That sounds like it might be fun.

We need something to shake us all up a little bit. I mean, seriously… only half of the eligible voters in this country vote. Half. That’s like none almost. George W. Bush really only got like 1/4 of the people in the country to vote for him. And now he’s president!

Well, whatever. Politics. Boring.

Since I cried out a bit the other day, I have been finding minor showers of love raining down on me from unexpected directions.

That has a way of continuing to happen. I just reach out, and somebody notices and reaches back. When I feel a little lost, a light appears. A light is a simple thing, but it is the only thing separating us from darkness.

Maybe if we can work together to aim our individual lights together at the same thing, we might be able to illuminate something of real interest.

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I think sometimes maybe I might still be trying to do too much at once. All at once, I might actually be doing nothing. Nothing at all. At all.
Or maybe I might just be helping to start a million new threads of imaginative possibility. That seems somehow a little too hopeful to be true. Sad old me.

I guess I always figure I’ll have some interesting stories to tell when all is said and done. Let’s just hope I have enough time to actually get them all out. OUt.

spoken softly
those words from another night
boundless specifics
ending without a fight.
embracing quickly and maybe not at all.
We create a new cause with every heavy breath.

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I went to New York City.
It’s definitely grand. Big.
Also sorta dirty. It feels very much like a big city. I wandered around Manhattan a bit, and saw some art and stuff.

Culture, up my nose!

pounding my head against my fists,
or maybe just thinking about it.
I’m trying to realize what it is that I don’t know, but the obstacle of maybe not really wanting to know keeps creeping in.

Fear. Yep. That’s the word.
Pain, maybe. Who’s to say?

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I had a dream that half of my desk and my computer were missing when I got back to my office. I was quite distraught about it, and had to search all around and ask everybody. While I was doing that, there was some crazy commotion from everyone running around the office looking for something in particular. They had been set in motion by some mysterious outsider who had told them things in a big round room with 25 clocks of various shapes and sizes. (I counted!).

Chug chug.
Some days I feel as if life is just a big train that goes on forever. You can move between the cars a bit, and maybe poke your head out the window, but there’s no real getting off without a chance of major injury.

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I saw a homeless guy yesterday with no fingers. He had hand stubs. It makes me really sad to see homeless people like that. It seems to me like it would be really hard to work with no fingers, you know? In cases like that, it seems like the homeless person may not be totally at fault, you know? I guess maybe a homeless person is never totally at fault, but usually at least mostly at fault, still.

No fingers is a hard thing to deal with.

I like to watch people together in public. Couples and groups of people. They act a little different than they would just with themselves. Some actions are exaggerated and some actions are muted. I like to try to figure out what they’d be like without me around.

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My horoscopes continue to be positive and empowering. It’s been going on for quite awhile now. I’m starting to doubt the validity of those things…

I do feel generally good about things, though.
Being separated from things a little bit makes it easier to be objective and really appreciate the situation.

I think I might like getting up in the morning… This is an sort of unexpected development.

People watch others go by and don’t reach out to touch the ones that interest them. I do that. Others do that, too.

People hear music they like and don’t open up their hearts to it. People think thoughts they like and don’t give themselves the space they need to think the thoughts all the way through.

People also watch fireworks displays and smile without realizing it. People walk 3 or 4 miles just to see some tall ships that everyone else is also seeing.

And people look at each other and smile, sometimes.
Smile at me when you see me?

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Yay for Independence!

I saw the Boston fireworks last night from a sticky 6th floor balcony of an MIT fraternity house. They were nice. The frat house is pretty cool, too… I think I might prefer it without all the drunk college kids, though.

Boston really goes all out with its summer celebrations. An old fashioned town at heart, you know?

Getting up early is so hard on me. I’m just not used to it. It’s good for my spirits, though, because it makes me feel like I’m getting so much done! Walking around in a half stupor part of the day makes me feel productive. That’s sort of backwards or something, isn’t it?

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I am part of something greater.
I guess it might not be fate. I might just be under the control of another power. The nature of the power, whatever it might be, puzzles me still.

And I suppose I am supposed to be puzzled.
Yep. Supposed to be.

But, I have the feeling that something powerful and spiritual (c’est possible!) is circling around here. I know my horoscope has been making me think that for a few weeks… But I also know it might be true. And it doesn’t hurt to believe what you want to.

It doesn’t hurt to love what you want to, and think what you want to, and hear what you want to, either… but it can.

in my head.
get the fuck out of there.

squeaky wooden chair
hollow empty feeling in my gut.

Something sinister.
Something sheer.
Something frightening…
Something queer.

Ta ta tippy toes.
To to tommy knows.

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The LA Lakers won the championship the other night.
It was sort of exciting.

And then, it got annoying as I was blocked from going to Del Taco by a bunch of cops in riot gear and helicopters flying overhead. The Del Taco I go to is right down the street from the Staples Center, where the Lakers play. You gotta love that sort of enthusiasm…

43 bonfires, 8 cars set on fire, one person shot dead in Huntington Park (where our office is!)…

The cloud is lifting a bit, but there is still a frown on my face.
I’m noticing the hunger in my gut, and the weight of my forehead…
It’s all pulling me down, I suppose,
but I’m hanging on.

Life is just too complicated these days.
There more communication I have with other people,
the more I realize I don’t know anything useful.
Everything I learn just makes me end up spending more time
learning more things that will end up distracting me even further from other things (more other things).
And I believe myself when I think ridiculously.

I am thinking hard.
and heavy.
Yep. Thinking.
Strange thing for me to be doing. I know.
Why do I strain myself so much.
What thought goal am I trying to reach?
Can I solve every problem just by thinking about it?
Probably not.
Can I solve every problem just by learning about it?
Probably not, but it’s hard to day.
Can I solve every problem at all?
Absolutely not, but how many can I solve?

And why do I need to solve so many problems in the first place?

Why can’t I just make new problems?
I suppose I do that, too.


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running amuck through the ages,
battling whores and pimps and sages,
I swing from the trees with my sword in hand,
and kick your whiney asses from here to malaysia.

(I guess the timing is a little weird, but it’s still a nice sentiment, isn’t it?)

Slap me once
slap me twice
slap me sexy!

slap me wrong
slap me right
slap me sexy!

slap me yellow
slap me blue
just slap me
slap me sexy!

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People let their lives just roll along at some point. I guess that’s what you have to do to keep from feeling useless.

Maybe I’m expecting too much from people. It seems like everyone should actually want to change the world to their liking. But most people just learn to live with what’s there.

mouse on mars last night
better than expected
live drums add a nice bit of oomph.

they’re into what they’re doing.
I’m happy for them.

Things like that give me hope for the rest of my life.

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I think I’ve freed myself from one of my more recent traps. It might be a bit harsh to think of it as a trap. Maybe it’s just more of a distraction… or obstacle… or false clue. Something like that. Not quite that negative, though.

Anyway, I’m optimistic about the future.

3 pretty big major arguments this week so far.

I’m letting life get to me.

Maybe that’s good?

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My Mom called tonight and told me that she and my Dad have separated. He moved out of the house last week sometime, and she hasn’t talked to him at all for almost a week.

Weird. It’s not totally surprising, but I wouldn’t say I was expecting it, you know?

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I got my old Amiga 500 back out of storage!
Whee! It hadn’t been booted up for probably six years, but it started right up! Crazy beans. Fun fun fun living in the past…

Technology talks seem to go nowhere most of the time. I’m really starting to tire of it all, I think. I still actively participate, for sure… but I think I might start letting them just wander on without me…. That is unless I want to start being a more active part in the whole scene.

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Ohio, here I come!
I’m leaving California to go spend a few days in the mid-west. Life is slower out that direction… I have a lot planned for my slow time.

I have a lot of reading and writing and general play-time to partake in.

I’m looking forward to it, I think. We’ll see how I feel after the first couple of days, though.

Now, I have to pack…

here we go, traipsing through time.
Aren’t we gay? All of us here.
We love to party, we’re where it’s at.

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I guess I do actually start to wonder if maybe all of this isn’t taking me anywhere… I wonder if maybe I’m really just spinning in the same circles as ever, but maybe now I’m just analyzing the holy fuck out of it. I guess maybe that might still be better, though. Maybe. Yeah. Who knows?

And I want to know what’s going on, but I just don’t have the same fight in me that I used to. Maybe I should start trying to get into trouble out on the town.

the end is coming.
pleasant thought. But I’m not really worried.
because the end of one thing is always the beginning
of another.

I only really start to get worried when there is no end in sight.
I worry that I might start to get bored, and there will be no end ever to the tedium. I guess there will always be new things to learn about, though… Technology is like that.

hahhahhaaah. Yeah.
My head is sort of swimming. I wonder if I need to eat better.

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Database troubles. Support troubles. Same old story. I don’t seem to care as much as I did a month ago… and it doesn’t seem to be getting worse. We’re just doing what we can.

That’s the way it goes.

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There are a lot of very beautiful and amazing people around.. and I think I might even know some of them. Sometimes, I just sort of think about how crazy about some of my friends I am. I guess a lot of people probably feel pretty close to the people around them, but just what is that feeling? That camaraderie thing?

I notice it more when music is playing… and when the people around me are not minding each other’s faults.

Why do we have to feel insufficient to have the motivation to drive toward greatness? It seems to be one of the great tragedies… I guess it’s actually the tragedy. All the great men and women can’t be happy. And all the onlookers can’t be happy either, because they want everything the greats don’t appreciate and they know they’ll never have it.

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I’m swatting at flies.
There’s something confident in that task. It’s a war I know I can win. With enough time. And the fly will die on its own in a few days even if I don’t.

Does that make you grin?

radical radishes are penetrating my pores.
I’m not sure what to do. Or if I should even try.
The vegetables I used to find delicious are now figments of an imagination I haven’t seen for months now. Will this end?

Will the fruits of my labor spring from the ground at the end of the harvest and carry me through until the cycle revolves again?

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American beauty is seriously amazing.
That’s the comment I have.
It made me cry at the end. Not a lot, but a little.

There’s a lot going on all the way through and it really picks on some provocative issues.

See it with some people you love. Not your parents… people close to you that you haven’t known your whole life.
Why? I dunno. That’s how I did it, and it was great. Of course, that’s how I do most things. I’m like that. ahahhh.

prying open my eyes, I turn and take in the warm stare of the sunbeams coiling through the trail of the smoking incense stick and the holes in my ratty curtains.

This is not happiness, but for a moment, I might mistake it as such. I guess maybe it just doesn’t really matter. I feel this and that from day to day, and it doesn’t seem to help for me to figure out what this and that are. Thinking about things like that pretty much just makes me forget things. It makes me forget things like how I have lived my life to get where I am now and how I might continue to live my life to stay where I am… or maybe to continue on the path I’ve been going on. I guess staying in one spot is not much different from continuing on one path without question… or even from continuing down one path with lots of unanswered questions.

I am here, though. Right?

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It’s starting to happen.
The dark ways of the world are penetrating our small group.
I’m feeling the urge to get out, but I’m just being silly I tell myself. I’m showering myself with gifts to shut myself up… new car, new records, new Palm V. I like my new things… but what’s going on?

There’s so much number talk going on. It’s so arbitrary. Agh. This isn’t really what it’s about, is it?

I’m scared, and I want to cry. I’m lashing out and rejecting it. But I’m not really. I’m still participating in the discussions.

I guess it’s probably going a lot better than it would with most groups of people… but I’m just really displeased with the whole system or something.

I got a new car!
Shiny blue!

I really like it so far. This is the first time I’ve had a car newer than 9 years old. It’s the first time I’ve had a car that was from the current decade.

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When I have something to think about and feel good about, I am a whole lot more productive… there starts to be some sort of a rhyme to everything I do… everything bounces around off of everything else and the momentum builds.

It’s like pinball or something.
I could use more pinball in my life… maybe I should buy a pinball machine maybe.

A woman told me the other day that I needed a visit from the men in white coats…

Other people always assume I’m hyped up on mad drugs.

Is it really that hard to interpret my thoughts? I don’t feel insane.
I guess maybe I sound that way?

I think maybe my thoughts just strike too strong of a chord or something… people don’t want to deal with these issues. People don’t like to think about things that make them uncomfortable…

And people don’t seem to be able to tolerate randomness, either. Once you embrace the notion that everything is random at its roots, it gets a whoie lot easier to just wait for thoughts to come to mind and express them. Just like that.

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There’s this weird feeling I have when things seem to be going a little too well with some situation. I guess that means I’m a pessimist right?

I dunno… I guess I’ve just gotten used to there always being complications in everything I do.

Well, now, something seems to be going well… I might even go so far as to say that something seems to be going right.

I don’t like to get too crazy, though, so I won’t quite say that.

When there is something that is going well, it makes everything else seem to go a bit better, too.
Funny, that.

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listen to the raindrops fall and strike the roof and carry a sound through the walls and down to the ground…
and then hear your r’s and your p’s roll off of your tongue and collide with the s’s and z’s hanging loosely in the air.

and then wonder why you even notice, let alone care about, all of these errant ideas and sensitivities, and then grab your soul and ready your heart for the journey of your life.

a collection of conflicts bound by a deeper desire.
cascading moon beams, bouncing from the surface of a greater solution.
terrified trembling and pouring down rain, I swallow my memories and walk into the night, alone.
I’ll write when I get where I’m going.

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I’m listening to this song that says, “She’s my addiction.” over and over. Addiction. What an interesting thing.

I’ve been feeling like I’m missing something lately. I’ve been pondering what that something might be. There are a lot of things that people are commonly missing without realizing it. One of those things is love, I guess. Everybody needs love. We are a social species. I am a social person on top of that. Sometimes, anyway.

The thing is that I believe I do get quite a lot of love and attention. For some reason, I can’t get enough though. I want so much.

I do a lot of things for other people, too. At least I seem to think I do. I guess maybe I might just say that hoping people will give me that attention I’m looking for.

But this isn’t really a new topic for me, either. I’ve been talking about this for awhile. I think I’m actually making some progress with this. I haven’t really dwelled on myself so long for awhile. It’s easy for me to forget about myself all day long. Then the night comes and I find myself thinking about all the things I’ve done all day and wondering why I don’t feel fulfilled.

I’m starting to think that maybe I might also be missing some real concept of spirituality in my life. I have been gradually becoming as spiritual as I know how to be… I guess maybe there might be more possible, but I don’t really know what it might be. Maybe I really should be looking for someone else to lead me in that direction. Maybe.

The NDN Summer Employee Workshop is going well. We have opened up our offices and have 13 people working here this week. We have grown from 4 of us to 13 so quickly. We’re struggling with the whole management thing. We’re doing ok, though.

I always want more for us, but I can’t complain about too much these days. I wish I had more time, but that’s my own fool fault.

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I’m a very demanding friend. I expect a lot from people. Not so much from people I don’t know, but once I start to feel comfortable with someone, I don’t like anything to jeopardize that comfort zone. I need as many comfortable emotional spots as I can get…

When someone does something that goes against how I want that person to be… it gets in the way of my comfort. Often, it does lead to a more developed relationship, but sometimes I feel like I can’t deal with it all.

Sometimes, I feel like I’m a whiney dope, too.

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I have been dreaming about failures lately. Mostly love-life failures. Some of the dreams seem to be based on real life, but some of them seem to just be there to try to discourage me or something… or maybe my dream self understands me enough to know that thinking about failing in some area of my life will possibly motivate me to actively think about that end of things and try to improve.

So, maybe it’s a sign that I should be out lookin’ for some lovin’

It seems to me that people I know really want the other people they meet to fit into some sort of mold and be everything possible from that mold. This is most evident in love-interest relationships. It’s not so prevalent in normal friend-friend relationships. It does come up there, too, though.

I’m proposing this thought as a possible cause for some common behavior I have noticed. People are especially upset when a friend does something wrong… but even more than just wrong things…. people get upset when their friends do something they would not have expected them to do. When you start to depend on other people for things like love, trust, emotional stability, etc, you start to build a solid image of those people in your head. You base some of your reasoning on those personal images so when those images are shifted by additional real-world input, it takes some time for people to recheck and verify all of their logical constructs. During that verification process, you have had your rug pulled out from under you (so to speak), and are just floating. That tends to make life difficult, hectic and a bit paranoid.

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I’m in the love with the scent of the air on a full moon night and the sound of the water falling from a drain on the side of a tall Victorian building and pounding to the centuries-old pavement below.

I’m in love with the chemicals in my water that keep harmful things from entering my body and the chemicals in my food that make it last long enough for me to eat it. I have a busy schedule.

It’s not much, but it’s something.

And the beating of my heart goes boom boom when I think of her and the way she was dancing to the beats as they went boom bim.

And did she go boom bim as well?

She might have. She might have gone bim bam, or bomb the booming bam. And I would have smiled on one side of my mouth, but only a little! and I would have said, “hell, yeah.”

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Cars and people.
People let their cars go to their head.
People use their cars as a crutch in a social situation.

I even find myself wanting a cool car. I just do. Darnit.

We all got together to look at the warehouse place.
There is some hesitation but some definite excitement.

But is it really the best choice for us?

It’s a big step.

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I have been struggling to get these frickin frontpage extensions working with the dreamhost system for so long, and I am almost there! I’ve almost got it! I just need to try a couple more things and I’ll have it!

Glory day.

And many of you have returned my survey already! Thanks for not just tossing it away.

I’ve started noticing that my extremities are numb most of the time… I think maybe I really do spend a bit too much time sitting in front of my computer. I need to get out more and move the rest of my body.

Wish me luck… I hope I don’t shrivel up and die!

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Despite everything that might go on in the world today to ruin my mood, I can still feel good to know that bells and whistles and broomsticks and bullwhips and cats and dogs do exist and that life is still there all around me waiting for me to reach out and listen up and open up and take a peek at what’s there.

No matter what else might happen, someone will fall in love today, and someone will be born today and someone will learn the meaning of life today. Today and every day.

the homeless problem.

Would you open up your couch to a homeless person?
If everyone did that, the problem would be pretty much solved.

The homeless person could just hang at your place for a few weeks, find a job (using your address and phone number), and then move out when enough money was saved up. I guess that could take a few months… but just think! In a few months, the entire homeless situation could be gone!

If course, more people would become homeless during those few months, but there are more people with homes than without, so things would work out ok… you’d only have to do it once.

But who would do that?
I wouldn’t.

I guess we just don’t care quite enough.
And that really is the problem.

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As thousands of people get replaced by computer programs that can do their jobs more quickly and more efficiently, I’ve been trying to figure out what those people would do for work.

I think they are as responsible for losing their jobs as the companies are for firing them. It is your responsibility as a worker to make sure you are on top of the industry wave. You need to be prepared to learn about new things as they happen so you’ll be prepared to switch career paths when yours becomes a dead-end.

I also think the companies doing the firing have the responsibility to train their workers to handle more complex tasks as they send the menial jobs to other countries. I don’t think big companies should have to offer welfare jobs to people who don’t put the effort in where needed, but they do have a responsibility to the communities they are a part of. People are people.

So… what jobs will all those people end up doing? They’ll end up as the happy voice on the other end of the line when you call to find out why your sound card was delivered in 3 pieces instead of one. Tech support! That’s an industry that will never be filled by other countries!

I’ve been looking for a new place to live. I’m excited about what that might do for my life. A new place could have lots more space! A new place could have a window that looks out on something more interesting than a gravel parking lot! A new place could have a tiled dancefloor with a disco ball!

But more… a new place would be a change! Not very much changes for me. I get up. I do stuff like I always do, and then I go to bed. Often without having moved more than 50 ft from my bed all day.

So. A new place could be a new beginning! A new life!
A new thing to love and to cherish and to decorate!

And new place!

So. Now I have to start looking for it.

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I guess I should be glad I don’t have a job.

And I listened to some old music today. Not too old, but older
than most of the music I listen to now.
I listened to that Nirvana album. The one that made them famous.
It has “Smells Like Teen Spirit” on it. It’s a really nice album.

I also listened to an old Ministry album called “Twitch”
It’s the one I still listen to the most, even though it’s the oldest one
I have.
It’s pretty old.

Old music is nice sometimes.
It doesn’t have all the extra weight that new music has…
I’m a lot more critical now.

I got sick today.

Ain’t that a pisser?
I woke up and I had the sniffles.

I also think I might be depressed.
That would certainly explain the mopey nature of most of my posts in the past couple of months.

I used to be so perky and full of life!

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Being back with my parents is a special kind of fun. Here’s an example conversation:

Mom: So, with your vegatarian thing, do you eat any meat at all?
Me: Nope. No meat.
Mom: No chicken?
Me: Nope.
Mom: No Fish?
Me: (chuckling) No animals at all.
Mom: A fish isn’t an animal.
Me: Yes it is, Mom. It’s not a plant, right? It’s an animal.

And then I went on to explain my views on overfishing and killing ecosystems and all that. I even used the phrase “gluttonous American demand.” Also note that this conversation occurs every time I visit.

Life is simpler in downhome Ohio. I didn’t grow up here so I don’t have any friends to catch up with while I’m here. All I have to do is listen to my parents tell bad jokes or watch TV (I saw Telletubbies today!) or fiddle with their lame old computer.

It is a bit relaxing, if I could figure out how to forget about everything else going on in my life.

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There’s this show on TV. I see parts of it sometimes. It’s called Change of Heart and it attempts to break up couples.

It sends them out on dates with other people and then they bring everyone together and talk about it. Then, they have decide if they want to break up or not. Sorta sick.

That’s what people like to see. I guess it’s sorta better than Melrose Place, but… I dunno, Melrose Place still has some sort of artistic quality to it… right?

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I think I might be starting to come out of my slump a bit. I haven’t been able to get much accomplished over the past few weeks. And then I got all sick in the middle of it. That sucked.

I think I can feel some energy starting to flow again. More things are going on and we’re rolling!

I even got up at a semi-reasonable hour today! And I got a normal amount of sleep.

I think I might start producing more stuff any day now.
I owe you some content after neglecting you for two days. Just wait.

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I am feeling a bit better now. Thank you thank you thank you to the person who sent me a get well message. It made me feel better for real. Nothing else did so much during the rest of the day.

Yesterday sucked, but today is a bit better. I’ve been mostly vertical for about 3 hours so far without too many problems…


Yesterday really sucked. I was in bed most of the day, but it was hard to sleep because my nose was all clogged and there was a terrible deep pain shooting into the side of my head behind my right eye. I couldn’t lay entirely flat because the pressure would build up and make my head feel as if it might explode. Somehow, the hours ticked by anyway.

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Furby! There is some new toy called Furby. It’s soft and furry and it talks or something. Kinda weird. People in the know are calling it the “next Cabbage Patch Kid.” Wha-hoo. They come in different colors, but you don’t get to pick which color you get.

How cute.

You get to pick the color of real animals. You get to say, “I want that one!” So, how does that make it more life-like?

I dunno. But these things are selling like hotcakes.

Writer’s block? I hope I don’t get it sometime. What a weird feeling that would be. Just thinking about it makes me a little worried. I guess it’d be sort of like losing my hair, which I hope never happens. I don’t know if I’d be able to deal with it. I’m quite fond of my hair and I’d really rather nothing ever happened to it.

If it did start going away, I guess I’d have to find some other part of my body to hang my ego from… I wonder what part that would be?

Maybe my writer’s brain?

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Aargh. I wish sometimes that feeling had a more intense word associated with it.
It’s that feeling that makes you want to grit your teeth and turn your hands into
claws and look up into the sky and open your eyes wide and silently scream with
all your might. It’s that feeling that no matter what you do and no matter how
long and hard you try, you will not be able to change what has happened or
what will happen. It’s that feeling you get when something you have
spent your whole life creating is going to be killed in the name of progress or
worse, profit. It’s that feeling that I feel when I try to figure out how to heal
the woes of the world without killing myself along the way. What good can I do if I’m
dead? What good can I do if I’m alive? I may as well just quit now. Aargh.

I have been thinking about some really wonderful people that have been in my life.
I wish that everyone that was wonderful could stay in my life forever, but things just
don’t work that way. I guess I can always take some comfort in the fact that those
wonderful people once thought enough of me to be close to me for some length of time.

I have this problem where I assume that the feelings I have for one person are pretty
much exactly reciprocated. That works well for my confidence and my ego, but things
just don’t work that way, either. Each person is in such a different place from
every other person. We are all so isolated and alone inside our own heads and our own
imaginations. We can only hope to scratch the very surface of the very tip of that
iceberg some people call the human pysche. We can try to write things down and
spit things out and we can do that until we are red and blue in the face and still
we won’t be able to really understand what it is that makes us feel the need
to say “I Love You.”

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I’ve somehow gotten into a discussion about humans, waste, technology, and
industry. Those sort of suck. They just put everyone into a bad mood when everything is
said and done. The frustration and powerlessness that people feel about it becomes
apparent and arguments are more likely to break out as a result. Don’t get me wrong…
It is a vital discussion issue. I just wish it were a little easier sometimes. I get
tired of taking things seriously, but as soon as I start to relax, another issue comes
up. I guess it’s not so hard to understand why people just decide to not care after

I went out to a club last night to see some girly jungle DJ’s. By girly, I mean that
literally… they were women. Anyway, it was a fun night. Club crowds are way
different than party crowds. I guess a big part of it was the age requirement. It
was at least 18 and over and might have been 21 and over… I’m not sure… Anyway,
club girls are cuties. I’m not sure if I’m into being a part of the club thing, though.
I don’t know if I want to meet somebody in a situation like that. I mean, I wouldn’t
mind if it happened, but I don’t know if it’s something worth putting much effort into.
There were some definite cuties there, though… Something to think about.

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I hope my chances of making it back into my home territory without much trouble are good. The
airport authorities will undoubtedly be looking out for me. A mind like mine does not pass through
without attention. I’ll have to try to shield myself from their inquisitive inspections. I’ll
surely wear my aluminum underwear. I’ll also attempt to make myself resemble some sort of spiritual
follower. I’ll shave my hair all over except for a small snippet out of the back which I will braid
and grow down to my butt. Maybe that will be too much. Maybe I’ll just wear my beret and draw
on a french moustache. That ought to fool them.

I can’t believe how unreliable internet service providers are, for the most part. With the connection
I’m using here, we sometimes have to dial 3 or 4 times before we can get a connection due to
“no carrier signal” or “remote server not responding” messages. Then, once we get one, it likes to
kick us off for no apparent reason every now and then. I know this is pretty common as far
as dialup ISP’s go, but could you imagine if the phone company was like this? Could you imagine
if you had to call somebody 3 or 4 times before you got through to them? Could you imagine if
you would just get regularly disconnected while talking on the phone? I guess it used to be that
way in the past… strange. I guess it will only get better, but I’m still waiting and it’ll be
a source of frustration the whole time. blah.

also, new thing in special sauce as of the 29th

The few days or week or so when it starts getting cold enough to mandate the use of the heater,
but still warm enough that it might get warm again at any moment is sort of frustrating. You sit
around, cold all the time, wanting it to be a little warmer, but not putting on the heat so you
can save that extra little bit of energy before the winter starts to kick in for real.
I don’t know if that little bit of extra energy is worth having cold hands all day, though.
Oh well. Maybe I’ll figure it out this year, so I don’t have to have cold hands next year.

Today was my last day of work for awhile. Maybe for quite awhile. It’s a little
sad, but I think it might be a good time for me to move on. I’m going to
hang out in Seattle for awhile. That might change my outlook on things
a little. It might not, too, though. I’m leaving tomorrow. See you there!

Hey. Look at this: idallas vs The Purple Monkey.

Also, I started a bit of a new section. It’s not going to be updated daily, but the
thoughts there are a little more thought out, if you know what I’m saying. It’s called
Special Sauce and it’s the secret ingredient you’ve all
been waiting for. Check it Out!

Even when things are going well, and actually maybe especially when things are
going well, I tend to question my own actions and ideas. Am I really doing things
as well I think I am? Is there some way I could be doing this better or more spiritually
sound? That sounds a little silly when I put it that way… I just can’t
seem to be content with anything that I do or am doing. If I think something is
good I start to question my own concept of what good is. I can’t be ecstatic
or joyous or all that excited.

Hey. Look at this: idallas vs The Purple Monkey.

Hey. In commemoration of our wonderful, amazing president, I have started a new
section of this wonderful, amazing website. It’s called
Special Sauce. Check it Out!
(if you haven’t already).

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We were watching Good Will Hunting at my house tonight and my housemates were
dissing Minnie Driver because she’s not conventionally attractive. They were
calling her ‘ugly’ and making a fairly big deal out of of it, almost as if they
were offended by the fact that they even put her in a movie at all. I tried to
defend her… I said, “I agree that she’s funny looking, but that doesn’t make
her ugly.” That’s true, right? Don’t people get tired of seeing the same old kinds
of faces over and over again? Isn’t it nice to have a fresh sort of look once in
awhile? I guess not…

That movie (Good Will Hunting) does make me think, though. The rest of my house
seemed to appreciate it, too. It gets a bit sappy at points, and everyone let it
play on through without making goofy comments. It makes me think about the concept
of soul mates. Robin Williams talks about that a few times. On one hand, it makes me
a little sad when I think that I don’t really have anybody I would call a soul mate.
On the other hand, though, it sort of motivates me to look for such a person. It gives
me hope that relationships like that are possible. I don’t know if they really are or
not, but it’s more fun to think that they are so that’s what I’m going to do.

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I did get new tires, despite the glaring sun and ungodly heat. And my car is so
happy with me now. I can just feel how delighted it is to be my car. It just purrs now
(or sort of tries its best, anyway). I’ve made my car happy, and that makes me happy.

Oh the Heat (cont):
I had to get new front tires today. My old ones just up and died on me.
I went to a pretty cool and cheap place here in the hood. I also had to wait for two
hours in line outside with my car and with the cars of a bunch of other patrons.
And it was hot. I almost can’t believe how hot it was (and still is) today.
I think its starting to get to me and affect my thoughts… seriously.

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I’ve been trying to figure out how to make a largeish group of people who don’t know
one another except for a semi-busy email list and some shared interests work together
to create something unique and interesting. I don’t know how to do that. And it’s
not happening. I talked with some other people about it today, and they see that it’s
not really happening. One of the two seems a little discouraged by that fact, but the
other seems almost motivated by it…

I’m not that easilly discouraged, but I do get frustrated. One thing I can say, though,
is no matter what else happens, I have met some interesting people, and that’s
all you can really hope for, I suppose. It’s more than some people can say.

Ok. This is dorky. I started looking for a new ISDN provider tonight because mine
is sort of being sucky, and they’re tech support is really sucky, and I’m sort
of being ripped by them, but anyway… I stumbled across something called DSL.
I had heard of it but didn’t really realize that it was being offered so soon…
It’s high speed internet connectivity over ordinary copper phone lines. One web
page I saw put it at 8Mb/sec! That’s more than 5 T1’s! Also, it’s really cheap, and
it’s dedicated (no dialup!). It looks like I can get a dedicated 160k connection
for about $150/mnth. That’s pretty close to what I’m paying for ISDN, anyway…
How exciting. High speed internet access for home users is very quickly becoming
a reality. That certainly will change the world.

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I heard on the radio while I was shopping at my local supermarket the other day
that we’re coming upon the 1 year anniversary of Princess Diana’s death. 1 year?
Wow. It doesn’t seem like it… Maybe that’s because the frickin’ media won’t let us
forget about it. It’s a terrible thing whenever anybody dies, especially someone
who’s British Royalty and really should know better than to be out driving around
with a crazy hooligan. But alas, what has happened has happened, and we can just forget
about it. Right? Please?


Remember the smurfs? Weren’t they great? Wouldn’t it be cool if things like that really
existed? It’d be great because all the bullies in the world would have something else
to pick on. They’d have all these cute little blue guys (and a girl) that live
in mushrooms, and can’t seem to really express themselves very smurfy. Then maybe
they’d leave dorky guys like me alone.

We can all have our dreams.

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So. Now my car is turning against me, too. It’s an aging Acura Integra, and is pretty
ugly most of the time, but in a very endearing sort of way, you know? Anyway, unlike
the new ones with those stupid little round headlights, it has good ol’ popup headlights.
They’re up when I need them, and down when I don’t. Simple, right?

Perfectly so… until now. The stupid thing (a naughty word came to my mind
to describe it, but I’m restraining myself) won’t put it’s lights down now. It’s
decided it kind of likes having them up all the time. Isn’t that a pisser? Cars
with their popup headlights up during the day look straight-up dumb. Nothing else
can be said. The only thing worse is when a car only has one popup headlight
up. That’s worse. At least my car has a little more style than that.

I’m glad my car doesn’t have just one of it’s popup headlights stuck up.

I just bought a midi controller keyboard so I could use it with my computer and
this cool program for BeOS called
ObjektSynth. It’s pretty cool. It makes
some really cool noises. It’s enough to satisfy some cravings I get some nights.

Also, I learned today that dolphins are very sexual animals and sometimes they get kind
of frisky when they’re around people. They rub against them and swim between their legs
and stuff like that. Also, they have very smooth skin that feels really neat, and
it’s quite a thrill for the people involved. That makes me happy.

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real poem day:

another three days have passed
and the anchor is still in place
nothing that I can do
has any effect on my bearing or my position

The sun lifts itself once from one horizon
and drops itself once behind the other
another cycle passes me by
and my life only grows shorter

Still, I keep defining my place in this world.
And I spread my mind across my environment.
It’s the only way I know
to become one with my horizons.

So, even though my future seems bleak,
I stick to my ideals,
because without that structure
I have no future at all.

silly poem day:

the lilac winter harks forth to my utter discontent
the season has faded as has my tan
I am left with nothing to hold onto
except for you and your juicy bosom.

Hark! How I long to play games in yonder court with ye.
But our love was not meant to be.
Not this week anyway.
For I have found another maiden, and she has a car.

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Jorge and I went to Del Taco for some
late night refueling. When we got back, I realized I had left my keys inside.
That’s sort of an issue for us since we live in the hood. Our house is pretty
much a fortress with huge spikey bars on all the windows and big metal doors.
We were locked out!

One of our other roommates, Chris, was out and would be returning eventually, so all
we had to was wait… (but for how long?).

So all Jorge and I had to do sit there and talk. And talk we did.

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Doh! I stayed up past 5am on a work night!
Why do I do this to myself?

That’s gonna hurt in the morning.

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So. Today I went shopping for some razor blades. I looked the health products section
up and down for a long time without luck. Kinda weird, I thought. Then, I looked
through the office supplies section (I live for the office supplies section…)
and whoomp there they were. There was a box of 10 for a buck and a half, and a box
of (hold me back, sweet mother of jesus) 100 (!!) for like 5 bucks.

h u h ?

How does that math work out?

I considered for a moment opening my own razor blade stand out front and undercutting
them and selling single razor blades… I’d make an absolute killing!

but alas, I bought into the system and spent the $1.50 and got jacked. I’m always
getting jacked these days. Crummy.

I love those times when you are hanging out with somebody and you don’t have to worry
about what you say or how you say it or what you do or how you
do it or how you smell or what you smell and its not hard to think of things to say, and
in fact its hard to stop thinking of things to say, and before you know it the day
has mostly passed and you realize you’re really hungry, and then you don’t have to
spend too much time trying to think of a place to go because you already know
what you both like.

Is it just me?

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I went to a major office superstore today to talk to a man there about business cards.
The man was very knowledgeable and gave me exactly the information I needed
in a very direct way. It was only my own infamiliarity with the subject matter
that caused me to ask him a couple more times. I like it when people have
exactly the information I need in exactly the format I need it. That makes me feel

And then I decided to browse a little bit to see if anything caught my eye. My money
was burning a hole in my pocket the size of Montana. Strange as it may seem, I didn’t
really see anything I wanted to waste my money on. Oh well. I was starting to head
for the door when a largeish black woman in a bright red t-shirt emblazoned with the
insignia of said major office superstore asked me if I needed any help. I did indeed
look like I did. I sort of smiled wanly, and said, “Nah. I’m ok.”

She caught a glimpse
of my shiny self and said, “Well, look at you. What have you done to yourself?”

I gave her a friendly, I’m-innocent-and-dumb-leave-me-be look, hoping to disarm her, and
she just sort of smiled and looked me up and down.

I started to walk away and she noticed my nose was pierced
also (you can’t see it from the front), and she said, “You got it in your nose, too?”

“I got it all over.”

“All over, huh?”

I smiled, “I just don’t learn.”

She sort of grinned, and said, “If it feels good, do it.”

I smiled for real for the first time all day. “Yep.”

That woman really knows what she’s talking about. She had exactly the information
I needed in exactly the way I needed it, and I didn’t even have to ask.

Major office superstores are the bomb. Plain and simple.

Give me a shout!

A friend remarked today that I seem to find it easier talking about the negative stuff
than the positive stuff. I remarked back that I thought everyone found that easier.
Is that true? Do people in general just find it easier to find fault in something than
to just accept it for what it is?

Maybe it’s not people in general, but maybe Americans, or maybe just young people.
I dunno.

I don’t think it’s really that the world is just full of bad stuff. I think people just
get trained to always want more than they have. It’s looked down upon to just settle for
what you are in school. You’re always told to strive to be your best so you can go
to college and meet the pretty girls (or rich boys) and do “it” and make babies
and grow old, happy with your bad self. You’re not supposed to be happy with your current
situation unless you are getting 100% on everything.

Then they throw in those frickin’ near super-human athletes and those
almost-too-beautiful (but only almost) celebrities to make you strive to be something
that you will almost certainly never be. Then you spend a good portion of your life
trying to figure out why it is that you are a failure, and what you can do to make up
for it. Many people turn to the old american pastime of making fun of other people to
make themselves feel better. That works sometimes.

Overall, though, I think I just want to be a baby, playing with blocks and putting them
together to form nonsensical words, causing the people around me to clap with glee when I
randomly almost strike something near english. In that world, all I would know is
pleasure, and I wouldn’t even have to worry about my own shit, let alone anyone else’s.

How’s that sound?

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