Dee doo.
Polka poo.
Riding up from somewhere new.
Chicka-choo.
Tell me who my friends are and I’ll believe what they tell me.
No questions asked.

Odd Dream.

I was wearing a red and white striped outfit, sorta tight with shorts over the top. The shirt had horizontal stripes and the pants vertical. I was carrying a big bright yellow duffel bag. I was going to the gym, but I didn’t know exactly where it was. I started out in a big building with lots of rooms, and one of the doors led to a big open field/park with lots of people milling around. I recognized one of them and asked where the gym was. He pointed to a building right in front of me. I’m not sure how I had missed it. It had a bid sign that said, “The Gym”. I walked through it in my strange outfit and ended up outside the back, where I found my meeting. I had apparently been invited to play tennis with Mr. Big from Sex and the City and some of his rich buddies. I left my duffel bag outside and went into the court and played very badly. At one point, when I was about to serve for the first time, they decided to end the game there.

A little miffed, I followed them out of the tennis court and over to a blanket on the ground I thought they had gone to. I came up to the blanket and one of the four was sitting on it. A steady stream of people, 3 or 4 wide, was walking across the near side of the blanket, blocking my way. I said something like, “I didn’t realize I had stumbled onto a freeway”, or something. Sorta funny, but not really.

Eventually, I was able to jump into the crowd and disrupt the flow of people walking across. Suddenly, there were people walking in all different directions and I lost sight of the one person I recognized, so I decided to just go home.

I started heading back the way I had come and made it a little ways before I realized I had left my bag (with a bunch of stuff!) back at the tennis courts. I was wandering around in the old building I had passed through on my way to the gym. I turned around to try to find my way back to the gym, but everywhere I turned was a new room or a room I had already been in and none of the doors led back to the open field/park. I kept finding rooms set up with lots of chairs for a meeting or presentation or something. Old black and white movies were playing on projectors in some of them. At first, nobody was watching, but as I wandered around in circles longer, more and more people were in each room.

Some of the parts of the building were decorated in elaborate, bright flourescent paint with pictures of flowers and cartoon characters and other ravey stuff. Other parts were dark offices. I also kept passing an electrician working in a closet with a small light. That might explain why it was so dark in some areas.

Eventually, I made my way to what looked like a studio where a band might record an album. The floors were wood and the walls looked sound-absorbent. There were several studio rooms, but still none of them led back to the gym. One of the rooms had some old recording equipment and some of the people in the room with me were very interested in it.

I was frantic wondering where my duffel bag was still, but I had realized that I did indeed have my wallet with me so it wasn’t as big of a deal as it could have been. I also eventually did find myself back in the park/field and all the people were gone and the lights were out. I wandered through the gym, but didn’t find my bag there…

Then I woke up.

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My kitty came back to me.
She just sort of came up to the front door one morning. Now, a few days later, she’s happilly cruising in and out on a regular basis. She hangs out outside with the cats all day and comes in with us when we return in the evening so we can feed her. She’s even back to her old usual eating habits, too. I think she might even get her gut back after awhile.

Happy days.

I have a terrible eye sore, quite literally. My eye is all swollen and puffy and red and disgusting. A minor irritation somehow developed into an icky bacterial infection. I have some eye drops and I’ve been directed to put warm tea bags on it from time to time (doctors today!) and I’m keeping my faith.

I hope it goes away. I have trouble enough in social situations as it is.

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Willy took me by the hand, and where he took me is a mystery.
What I do know is that I could just barely start to make out some writing on the wall, but then it would change right when I actually thought I might recognize one of the characters.

He left me by myself for a few minutes while he darted into one of the shadows. I should have probably been scared, but I really wasn’t, for some reason.

After a few minutes, I heard a noise somewhere behind me, and I twisted on my toes to meet it. I couldn’t figure out exactly which direction it was emanating from so I kept my eyes peeled.

A small fuzzy figure trotted up to me and sat down. It looked a bit like a dog, but not totally so. It seemed friendly, so I reached out my hand. He reached forward to meet it. He paused, took what seemed to be a very deliberate sniff, and then said,
“You expect me to lick THAT hand?”

The pig in the poke took out a smoke and offered it up to me.
I paused for a moment, reached out for it, and popped it in my mouth.
The pig whipped out a lighter from behind his back, and flipped it over to me.
Too tired to be troubled, I took it and lit my smoke.

“Thanks,” I said.
“Yup.”

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Fire and fury,
shoes and see-through socks all in one.
A touch of scepter something,
and a hint of sulphur scent.

An inquiry into never-never land, for a change of pace.
and maybe something around nobodyville will do, too.
A hierarchy of hemispheres stacked one by one,
and falling come down crashing all around you.

And laughing ahah you go running through the trees,
and the large brances sway with your wind
and follow you along your path, onward into hope,
and forward into faith.

pound pound poof, you’re it!
take the bag, and race to the bank.
you’ll never make it, because it’s my game!
you’ll still try just the same, though.

The attempt is all you have left.
once you let go of that, you’ll fly up into the sun, and never be heard from again.
And that might be ok.
But who’s to say?

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tricky overwhelms the beauty of the day. So cynical.

It does sometimes seem like things are never going to be perfect. and of course they aren’t, I suppose. We are together learning something great. I must believe that. It keeps me going on.

And I need to keep going on, so I can help keep everyone else going on as well. Together, we will be able to go somewhere, whatever that means.
Only together.

And even miniver is part of ‘us’ now.
Ahaha.

Separation in space.
it holds us apart, and wills us together… We reach out for something that is nothing at all and we are not surprised when we actually do find a thing, maybe not everything, but you know, what can you really ask for these days anyway?

And drowning in our own personal amusement, we stroll through the obscenities of our obscurity and wish them on other people. And don’t we now?

And ambiguous and ambivalent, the crazy crowded clown schools, churn out professional insaners and we weep on the shoulders of the innocent and the poor.

And still you tempt me with your juices and your sweet oh sweet smelling loins. And you know I can’t resist, and I sometimes know I must, but other times I know nothing other than my desire, and you taunt me.
You are the answer hanging in front of me…

Grasping at weeping willows and shirking my duties as god of my realm and crumbles come crashing down around me, and we laugh at the funny man on the big screen as he tells us our children will die young. It is too frightful to be true, so we pretend we understand the joke, and walk out of the theater in a good mood. One mood for both of us. Hand in hand, we are walking, and the crash of a crying dove smashing through the restaurant window opens our eyes to the faith we have put in a dying world, and we embrace and mourn the death of something we never knew.

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I want to sing about birds,
and hum about bees,
and think about trees in the clouds.

I want to dream about seashells,
and laugh with you,
and talk about memories that never happened.

I just dreamed about beating up a very short man handcuffed to a wall. He had handcuffed himself to the wall in front of a poster for his new record. It was called ‘four times seven’ for some reason. He wanted me to buy a copy. He was a feisty little guy. For some reason, I decided to pound on him a bit instead. I didn’t beat him up too bad, though. I felt bad about it afterwards, too. I helped him get down off the wall. It sort of seemed like he might have been used to getting beat up.

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Nothing changes.
Nothing changes.
Nothing changes.
Nothing changes.
I do not change.
I want to change.
I wish I could change.
I feel the change,
in my pocket.
And I hold on to it.

lovers and loving
huggers and hugging
singers and thinking
all hand in hand.

sinkers and sinking
droopers and drooping
drippers and sipping
all together at once,
and apart but looking inward.

We, alone but together,
feeling memories dripping down
from the clouds of perspiration
drifting up from our sweaty brows.

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elect me
my platform is rising.
you can hear it if you listen close.

share your songs with me,
folk singer, close to the earth.
I’ll take you home tonight,
and feed you white rice.

trice I spread my plastic wings,
ready to leap.
My faith will plummet down with me,
But you will not let me crash.
I’m sure.

thorns
and nails.
trails open to my feet.
political action from far away,
blinding white lies meet me half way.

desperate dispersion
reckless persuasion
an enemy lost, and never to be seen again.

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trembling toes reach into shivering water
brown leaves float shyly nearby, whipped by the wind.
laughing children wash in and out over the horizon,
The setting sun burns golden through the branches.

I can smell my ideas floating just out of reach sometimes.

tip top toes.
rock road rows.
sipping sorpulent sores.
suck. sock.
seek.
sea.
monkey.
sink.
roll
down.
dern.

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thank you for this feast of melon and collies
and thank me for this fine table I have prepared.
And thank us for tormenting our souls
with uneeded worrying and whining
and watch as I toast and be merry.

beat beat
I have nearly completed another beat.

Have you heard?
The beat, the beat is coming!
And the beat, the beat, the beat is on fire.

Catch some breath and some wind. Catch it if you can.

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Hello, my lovelies.
I now invite you to peruse through the offerings at another persona I have up online…
djdown.com.
Let me know if you give it a listen and have any thoughts or whatever. I have more tracks in the works that I will put up shortly.

Life is taking an interesting turn. There’s still a few too many downer vibes for complete comfort, but all in all things are looking up. La la lala. Yay for me.

vibin it.
Squarepusher is a mad man.
maneeak.

Some feathers were ruffled in the office today. It happenes. I got a catalog of cool stuff to reward people… like certificates for employee of the month and stuff. Sorta random. I think I might order some of it, though.

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I’ve been dreaming.
Have I been dreaming about you?

I’ve been thinking.
Have I been thinking about the world around me, or perhaps the world outside?

I’ve been swimming,
Swimming through a sea of incompatible impossibilities, or so I might like to think.

The world is not as broken as I used to believe, but I don’t know if I am strong enough to deal with the alternative.

I have a burn mark on my heart left there by you.
And you might not even know who you are…
But I don’t know.

I believe I have left a mark of some sort on you as well. And it’s weird because I am proud of the marks I have and I am proud of the marks I have left.

The marks remind us that we are not supposed to be seamless, shining representations of a world that can never exist. We are here and the world is here with us. Or something. There is no separator there.

And those marks remind us of things that we might not want to forget… but then sometimes I feel like it would just be easy to keep my eyes focused forward and just keep my feet trailing one by one through the shifty sand below. All systems go, all paths lead to somewhere. They must. It’s one of those things that we rely on.

Otherwise, we will go crazy.
But, I believe I might go crazy, anyway.

Sometimes, I feel like I should just go crazy now. Sometimes, I feel like that might really be the goal. The goal. The goal.

Alive.
A lie.

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I went out and bought some camping gear today! A sleeping bag, and a mat, and a fleece top sort of thing. I’m all ready to be outdoorsy now. A bunch of us are planning to head out to Catalina Island next weekend. I might end up in a kayak for the first time ever. I’ll try to get somebody with a digital camera to give me some pictures to post.

ok. a quick poem:

laughter
and smelly hyenas
darts narrowly missing my brow

dynamite
and poison arrows
blocking my path to you

feelings
of love and confusion
and I close my eyes to the sun.

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That girl on the speaker, swinging and swaying and singing out the mel-o-deez.
I couldn’t help but watch her. She wasn’t really anything particularly special or amazing all at once, but still I couldn’t keep my eyes off of her. She wanted people to look at her, but she was still dancing for herself.

Hard music and girls… squishy in all the right spots, and sharp and hard in all the right spots (different spots usually), too.

Yeah. There’s a lot more to life than computers and machines.

What’s with all the frickin’ rewinds at these superstar drum n bass parties?

I go to hear the music, not watch the DJ’s masturbate themselves with their popularity. God-dang.

Whatever… they play their own records most of the time, which is cool and all. And I’m glad they are getting the recognition they definitely deserve. But I just wanna dance, you know?

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a wrinkling, crinkling of my brow,
and a careful twist of my wrist,
and a slowly building wall of mist.
That’s all it takes for you to know I’m lost.
And the next thing to know is if I’m scared.
And then I guess you can try to figure out if you’re there with me.

I’m beating my head still.
Beating it with my hands, and beating it against things.
Just generally beating.
Like my heart, but not so rhythmic or something. Yeah. Beat beat beat.

Ok. About what?
These darn girls. I try to keep them out of my head, and then they go and twirl me up around some finger or other roughly cylindrical body part, and I’m just happy to be noticed.

It’s all so simple, and it’s takes a long time to notice it, and forever to forget it.

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hovering
I watch over her as she sleeps.
I am not there, but she feels me,
I hope.

Wild eyes watch the blind lines in the dark,
and think of nothing.
Chasing circles of romantic hope.

We are energy, 2 or 3 at once.
We are willpower, 4 or maybe 10.
We are freedom, righteous and true.
We are wild, unknown and free.
We are alone, just you and me.

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my heart is caught in a net of contradiction.
ahaha. That’s so melodramatic.
I can’t seem to let myself feel what I think I should feel. And it’s because I’m afraid it’ll sting me later. I should just let loose and be free and wild, but I guess maybe the time for that has past me by, or maybe I haven’t found it yet.

There will be a time when the winds will blow and I’ll hear the call of love thumpa thumpa in my ears and I’ll know it’s my time to heed that call and let go of myself and my theories of emotion.

Yeah yeah. I can hear it, call-ing in the air to-night. ahaha.
Oh my.

We change. Life changes us.
That’s a guarantee almost as much as dying is, as morbid as that might be. But I find comfort in change. It lets me know that things can always get better. Forget the fact that things usually just get worse. Ahaha. That’s easy to forget since it’s all relative anyway. You just get used to things.

Right now, I can feel a change coming on… actually, I have felt it coming for awhile, but it doesn’t really seem to. Maybe I’m just anxious for something to change. I dunno what. I want something big in my life to change. I could just pick something and make it change, I guess. I’ll pick… my hair! I’ll color my hair. Yeah.

Coloring my hair will change my whole outlook on things.

I don’t really want to color my hair, though. Maybe I’ll change… my skin tone! That could change everything… not easy, though… and probably expensive.

I dunno. Maybe I’ll just change my mind about something. Maybe I’ll decide that Republicans really do make sense! ahaha. Yeah. That’ll fix me.

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ride
work
swim
connect the center
to the edges.
The waves roll in and out,
up and down. Over and out.

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Drag my feet up to the stop light.
Watch and wait and the color red stands bright and tall against my path.
Turn and go the other direction, just too late, and I am stuck again. All is not lost perhaps because the original path is now clearly green, but once a man changes his mind, there’s no going back.

a kiss and a quick rinse behind the ears,
and I am free to rise up and roam the halls again. I am looking for the secret antidote to my incurable romantic hallucinations. Will I ever find it? Hahah! Of course not!

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sitting and talking and laughing among friends. the world before me like a closed but inviting paperback. No real harm done, but still worth something more than I can understand.

We went to a party thing tonight. It was at a club… I’m so awkward sometimes in social situations. Not too bad, but enough to make other people feel a little awkward. Sort of weird.

darn
I’m not sure how I feel about things all the time. I’m having trouble letting go of somebody I care about… but I had trouble holding onto her while I had the chance… and I don’t really know what I want. I believe things have transpired in a desirable fashion, but that still leaves me dealing with my curious feelings.

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staring at you
wondering how you feel about this
and those other people staring back
at me

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Pluck my fear from my face.
Poke your anger into my back.
Do what you need to do to love me.

Make me no mind, with a pleasant disposition.
Or perhaps a convenient place to lay your head.
Or maybe the solution to everything wrong,
The bringer of all that is wonderful.

Fight with my happiness,
and wrestle with my tears.
Feel my heart wash over yours,
and forget your tombstone forever.

Alive or sad.
Life do us part.
We will worship each other,
until the sun remembers our names.

I had a really good Halloween. We had a nice party. Lots of friends, all dressed in some very nice costumes. I thought it was going to be a little difficult to get some of them to follow along, but they did it! We even finished off a keg of cider. We never finish off a keg anymore.

It took me all the next day to get out of bed, though… not because I felt sick or anything, but just because staying in bed felt like a better alternative than actually deciding what to do. I guess that’s what work is good for normally.

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Spout

spout your nonsense
a little louder
if you please

my own fear
of failure and consequence
tends to clog my ears

Mesmerize

mesmerize me
with your angel eyes
and your delicate caress.
ignite my forgotten senses
and tempt my unexplored desires.
make me believe in ghosts
and secret spirits of the night.
Fill my mind
with realized fantasies
and neglected obligations.
turn me and my world
around and upside down.
remind me what it feels like
to remember and forget all at once.
cast a glance my way,
and pause a moment too long
and an eternity too short,
just once.

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catastrophe
silly me
I thought maybe I had a clue.

retrofit
discipline
who cares, anyway?

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I put my brain and body through the proverbial wringer a little too often, sometimes, I think. Somehow I managed to get through most of today with only 1 and a half hours of sleep… and now I’m up again after a 4 or so hour nap.

I do fantasize about managing to live this way all the time, though… It seems like it might be possible… especially if you have enough things to keep you busy (and I do).

But, then, whenever I sort of try to do it a little… I find myself getting tired and gradually slowing down… I think maybe it’s a reaction to the conflict of my schedule and the normal world time schedule. I try to just do what I want and/or need to do when I need to do it, but I do also have to do things for other people so some effort has to be made to merge schedules…

It works out, but I have to sleep more than maybe I would have to in a completely free-form situation.

I got a message from an old friend today. I haven’t talked to him for 4 years. A lot’s happened over the years, but it still sorta sounds like we might get along ok. That’s good to know.

It’s sort of neat to think that you could part ways with a person or a group of people and still end up following roughly the same sort of path… I guess it’s a social inertia sort of thing. People really do move in a fairly predictable direction.

I do like to try to be as unpredictable as I can, though… and I’m attracted to people who do the same.

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I got an interesting comment from a reader today:

Hi there I look at your photograph on web site i feel you very ugly
perhaps most ugly person who live. perhaps you try to look normal it
look like you put needles in you veins and get up. i read some of your
material and let me say it very bad and stinks! you have no brains in
fact i feel sorry for you!!! you try to be very cool but you really just
stupid and a no body.. please remove you web site from internet as it is making mess of world wide web . thank you

I couldn’t put it better myself!

I have all these words in my head swimming around. I can’t go to sleep because they keep gnawing at me. They want to be set free, but they are coming faster than I can piece them together. It’s a little easier once I start writing, but there are still a million more words, sentences, phrases boiling and bubbling behind my eyes and between my ears. I am alive with this insane vibration and I don’t know what to do to stop what I am thinking. I think for one moment that I will be able to piece this all together into some sort of cohesive story or maybe even just a few sentences, but then when I sit to write, other words altogether start to come out… I don’t know where these things are coming from or where they want to go… I tried to make some music but it came out all wrong. I tried to sleep, but it didn’t happen.

I think for one moment that there is something I am missing from my life, and I think maybe there is, but then for another moment I think maybe that’s not so at all. I do believe, sometimes at least, that I may never be content with what I have… I will always want more. I have said this before a thousand times under my breath, and I am still not sure if it is true. If it is true, I believe perhaps it will be the end of me.

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Nothing to complain about today!
I had a good day.

I guess I wish I had some clean clothes to wear. I haven’t made it to the laundromat for quite some time now.

I finished my big project for the month!
I was working on one stupid thing for soooo long.
I thought I’d never finish!
But I did, though.
I.

Now, I feel so free… I have so much time to do whatever I like. I started by writing a new gcoid posting.
Any of you not already on the list are missing out on same high
caliber stuff.

Your loss, though, I guess.

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There are quite a lot of animals around here… there have been 3 cats for the past couple of days… and we have been adopted by a stray dog… The dog is very nice… but she’s pretty timid. That’s sort of hard to deal with.

Happy life overall… somebody turned up one of the little fridges in our snack room up too much and a soda can blew up in there spraying Dr. Pepper everywhere! Ick!

The banner ad I made the other day is doing very poorly. Almost nobody has clicked on it. Man.

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We always end up in arguments. We’re getting better about it, though. We’re starting to discuss that issue itself. It’s a thing.

There’s a lot of things. That’s something I’ve come to realize. I’m not sure I’ll ever understand all of the things that go on. In fact, I’m pretty sure I won’t.

I’ve started keeping a paper journal. I don’t know why… it just happened. I’ve been neglecting this one as a result. I’ve been writing about things that I hide from all of you. Maybe I’ll get brave and let some of them out. I’ve been dealing with some of my more tender issues lately.

I do have tender issues. Yes, I do.

Tropical happened last weekend. Good group of people dancing to a good group of house beats.

It left me thoughtful and only a little lonely. The lonely thing is not too overwhelming or anything. It’s just a thing. Nothing to worry about really.

Julie’s back in town for the summer. I wonder how that will be.

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I’m a control freak.
I make mistakes.
I don’t listen to other people enough.
I make a big deal out of insignificant things.

I’m quick to criticize others, but I’m even quicker to criticize myself. I hold pretty high standards for people around me.

I feel like I’m like that because I have a certain sort of vision of how I’d like things to be. I try to mold things to be that way as much as I can, but sometimes that gets in the way of my own enjoyment.

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Oh my! Phones are working at the new building. Whoo!
It was easy. I don’t know what’s been taking so much time up to now.

Oh well.
Things are still moving forward despite all my whining.

And I got a nice comment from a reader today.

Also…
new millenium chronicle

A few kids in Denver took over their highschool. Weird. Nobody knows what might cause such behavior

There’s a Stephen King story called Rage that’s pretty much about that. The kid who takes over the school doesn’t kill anyone, I don’t think (hard to remember…), but he does make them tell some secrets in front of each other. Crazy high school trauma.

Life is still hectic for me. I’ve started taking it out on the people near me. Weird.

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We spent some time in the building today. We did a little cleaning, and a little planning, and a bit of arguing. I tried to follow some of the wires around the building to see where they lead and where they come from. It’s going to take us forever to figure all that stuff out. I hope we’re able to.

It’s a cool place to be. I hope I can feel comfortable there eventually. It’s a new life-situation and that stresses me out a bit. I’m used to how things are now… I used to look forward to big changes, but I’m starting to get tired. Tired of dealing with new things. I guess I’m starting to get old. I’m starting to learn to deal with things the way they are.

I’m starting to understand conservatism, I guess.

I have self-destructive tendencies.
When things seem to be going as good as can be, I start getting failure anxiety… I start worrying that maybe I’m not doing things how I should be, or maybe something terrible is going to go wrong. It’s not so much that I’m pessimistic about things… I start feeling like I should just give up altogether… that there’s no use to it at all.

I worry that I might one day just go nutso and try to just destroy everything I love.

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drip drip
drip

droop.

drop.

dipple.
dapple.

dongle.
dingle.

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It’s so hard to please everyone.
Sometimes, it’s even so hard to please anyone.

But its not about pleasing other people. It’s about pleasing yourself. As long as you are happy, the world will notice.

We looked at a place today…
3 story art deco office building in a heavy industrial zone.

Oh my, it was cool.

I hope there aren’t any hidden problems with it. I think it might be the one. I thought some of the others were cool, but this place is awesome.

It could be in a better area, though.

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I called the girl I met in San Diego just now… and the number she gave me has been disconnected.

I wonder what the means. Either she has a strange sense of humor or she doesn’t pay her bills. I can deal with either of those possibilities, I think.

I wonder how I am going to contact her now.
I know her first name and the city she lives in… I wonder if the Internet could help me…

I’ll give it a shot.

I got out of the house today and bought some more records. That’s good, but it sure makes the days go faster.

Business is still good. Better than ever.

My body is starting to complain that I don’t play with it enough, though… I need to be careful about that. I am still young.

Liz Phair knows where it’s at.

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bop she bops.
oh how she bops.
and she rolls.
she rolls her eyes when you walk up and tell her your name. she glares at you and her eyes ask you why you deserve any attention from her at all. And you smile and you laugh, and you reach up and grasp her earlobe between your thumb and your forefinger, and you caress it lightly and roll it between your fingers.

And she pauses and she holds her half-smile for a moment too long and you know that you have gained her attention.

Now the battle begins.
And she slaps your hand away, and she laughs and she darts away into the smokey room, glancing back once, twice and then gone.

The intoxicating mental presence of that beauteous girl that you were unable to talk to weighs heavy on your heart right around this ridiculous holiday.

It makes you wonder why you don’t have someone to share the ridiculous day with. It makes you question all the reasons you’ve given yourself. It makes you wonder if maybe all those other silly people are right.

Happy V Day.
(late, sorry)
(I’m slow lately).

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I looked at an industrial spot today. It’s 14,000 sq ft! That’s huge.
And it’s pretty cheap. Expensive for some place to live, but it’s so big. You could do so much with that sort of space. You could easilly run several businesses from it. And that’s just what I’d like to do.

I’m a man of opportunity. I know my game. I know my opponent.

And I know what I must do next.

The world is full of unsavory places. And the only people who go to unsavory places are either unsavory themselves or incapable of going elsewhere. And that fact makes those places all the more unpleasant.

And the cycle continues. And we continue to destroy each other systematically and quite perfectly. No one understands what must be done enough to ever really do a whole lot.

We are in an endless cycle of forces tugging this way and that, gradually tearing our reality apart.

I wrote a new Special Sauce.

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There just aren’t enough hours in the day.
Or maybe I have to get used to things not happening as quickly as I want them to.

I should do that… I should relax a bit.
And play with my new toy!

(when I’m not witty or wise, it’s intentional)

I got a new toy. I think it might be one of the best things that’s happened to me in awhile.

I’m not planning to grow up anytime soon.

(oh yeah, and I’d like to point out that when I’m not witty and wise, it’s on purpose… it’s all part of my plan)

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Computers suck.
But they don’t try to play games with you when you’re not in the mood.

Not as if I would know I guess.
People are hard to figure out, though.
They don’t follow logical patterns. They don’t even seem to put much thought into their actions for the most part.

People are unpredictable.
I guess that’s why people like cats.
Cats are unpredictable also.

I prefer dogs, though.

Rain.
It’s raining here.
I live in a desert. Los Angeles. It doesn’t rain much here.

When it does, everything gets all messed up, though, because no one’s prepared for it.

I don’t much care for rain. I suppose I don’t mind it when I’m inside all day, though.

It does make my car look a little more pleasant, though.

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Anyone who watches Ally McBeel and saw last night’s episode is probably pretty excited for John. I know I am.

Ok.

Some system upgrades to Dreamhost have been going well. That’s good. It just takes a little bit of extra planning to make everything go smoothly. If you don’t plan, you might be ok, but the slightest complication can screw everything up.

Communication is the key.

Take it from me!

I’ve been sleeping a lot!
I thought I would get over it, but I sleep about 10 hours at least every night. 11 hours last night! I’m letting sleep take over my life!

It’s not even like I have some other magical dreamland to go to or anything. It’s mostly just black open space as far as I can remember. And I wake up tired. I feel much better when I sleep less. Why can’t I convince myself to get up?

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I was able to get enough sleep last night.

My days are so much more fruitful when I’m awake.

I’ve been quite busy, but I think I might actually be able to get on top of everything this week.

I still keep sleeping for 10 or 11 hours.

That sounds like a good thing, but that always makes my head feel heavy all day long. It doesn’t really start lightening up until the evening time… and then I end up working late doing stuff I didn’t do all day… and then the cycle repeats.

I gotta break it.
Maybe I should start watching a TV show that comes on in the morning.

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Why do people spend so much time putting down what other people do? Are people really so unsure of themselves?

I say that because the only rational reason I can see to put down somebody else is to make yourself feel better. I know some people would say it’s just “fun” or something, but if that’s the case, then I really don’t understand what fun is.

I rant about this fairly regulary, and lots of other people talk about it, too. But, what is wrong with human-kind? Why do we feel the need to compete with one another?

We will be our own end.

Somehow, I’ve spent the whole day so far reading and responding to email and reading a few web pages here and there.

I’m glad I can do that.

I only slept 7 and a half hours last night, too.

Now, I think I’m going to try to get some real work done today. I can do it.

rah rah rah.

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I’m very sick.
I don’t want to stay awake, but I have just a few more things to do…

always the story.


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I had a pretty good day today. I wish I wasn’t so sick I hardly noticed.

Nah. It wasn’t that bad…

And I got the new PJ Harvey album. She deserves to be queen.

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I have recently started developing a bit of an obsession with my own dental health. That’s right, the health and general well-being of my teeth, gums, and my mouth as a whole has been weighing down on me a little bit more than usual lately.

I don’t know what brought it on. My teeth are in ok shape, though they could be better. I don’t go to the dentist. It’s against my philosophy. Just think… who is it that tells you to go see the dentist every 6 months? The ADA, right? And who is that? Well… it’s the American Dental Association. Well, who do you suppose is in the ADA? You guessed it! A whole lot of money-grubbing dentists! And I’m not falling for it.

I’m a part of the rat-race. I’m a rat. I’m not proud of it, but it’s true. I follow the other rats, and I try to figure out the maze so I can get to the cheese first. Nobody likes second-hand cheese droppings. No, sir!

I’m thinking about buying a new car. That’s how they getcha! New cars are fun. But then you’re hooked. You’re in debt, already… you might as well just buy a jet-ski, too! And then a fishing boat, and then an expensive painting!

And then you meet her. Who, you ask? Well, the woman you fall in love with. And then you want to buy her an expensive piece of jewelry. And then you’re hooked for life. Then you buy a house and another car and then you have a kid and then you might as well kiss that jet-ski good-bye because she thinks it’s noisy.

That’s how they getcha. Don’t buy into it!


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Argh.

I’m a little torn here. I hope you don’t mind. I don’t know what I should write about. One one hand, I want to entertain you, my ever-important and faithful audience. On other other hand, I just want to babble my crazy head off about whatever comes to mind.

On good days, those two goals work hand-in-hand (did you catch that… clever pun, huh?) and things go well. On others, the only things that come to mind are basically useless tidbits about my life and what a ridiculous life it is!

Anyway. I have opinions about lots and lots of things, but who doesn’t have an opinion these days? Opinions are a dime-a-dozen and always have been. I have ideas, too. Those are good, sometimes. If I give them all away, I’ll never be a fat rich bastard, though. If that isn’t gonna happen, I might as well just give up now.

You see my predicament, I hope. Any help would be appreciated.


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I’m going to Vegas! The whole idallas.com team (that’s me!) is heading to Las Vegas with Sage for Comdex! Wha-hoo!

I’m excited to check out the Be, Inc booth. That’s what’s dragging me all the way across the state…

I’m also excited to find out if my attempts at internet-based notoriety are panning out yet… I’m gonna pause in front of people to see if they recognize me… if they don’t, I’m just gonna mention that my friend Sage is “the Webring kid” and see if that rings a bell…

If not, I’ll be hurt, but it’ll only make me work harder!

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Something I can always take comfort in is that fact that no matter how messed up
the rest of the things in the world get, there will always be more good music for me to
find and listen to and ingest. There will always be new moods that I haven’t experienced
and new feelings I have yet to explore. On top of that, I can at least hope that there
will also always be new people for me to explore and discover. As long as I have
continuous new input, I can manage to almost forget about everything I don’t like
to think about. I guess that’s why people like Heroin.

Don’t forget to look at this week’s Weekly Shine.
It’s not too depressing at all.

I saw some major national network television news program tonight. It was about
this girl who had so much pent-up pain and anger in her than she couldn’t deal with
it and she cut herself as some sort of release. Overall, she seemed to be doing ok at
the end of it all, but it still made me think about some fucked up stuff. I was
thinking about the amount of pain in the world and how one little sliver of pain
can shoot through and sour a whole lot of love. It’s like when you’re mixing paints.
It takes a whole lot of white paint to lighten a color up, but it only takes a little dash
of black to make it darker. Pain is like the black paint. A little bit
of it can really mess up your day. That sounds like an awfully poetic thought, but
I try to stay away from things like that because they remind me why it seems reasonable
to be depressed all the time.

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I got my hair trimmed today! Yay. That’s pretty much what I accomplished, though.
I also managed to call a couple of companies and add and/or cancel and/or modify
a couple of services. I also made an inquiry to another company about their services
possibly replacing one of my other services. All in a normal day. Ally McBeel was
good, too. I also came up with an idea for a new rock-the-house web project. More of
my free-time will be thrown to the wind as I add to my ever-growing devotion
to the web. Lucky me. What’d you do, today?

I’d like to complain about the state of the world today. I really would like to.
I’d like to complain about the way people in remote places differ from me. I’d like
to help those people live a life more like mine. I’d like for them to be able to
use ICQ and carry a cell phone to the Taco Bell for their meatless Gordita. I’d
like for them to be able to eat Corn-Nuts for breakfast and stay up until 5am installing
Linux on a PC put together from some scavenged parts. But why should I do that?
Why should I think the way I do things is better than the way they do things?
Why should I suppose that my way of life is somehow more enlightened or more enriching
than theirs? I am so very envious of primitive tribe culture. I can never hope
to understand it, but I can suppose that people who live in tribes apart from
the main section of world society really understand their emotions and their feelings.
They are much more in touch with their instincts and they understand what
the word history really means. I wish I could understand that.

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Did something wonderful happen today? Not really. I bought a whole box of
individual packs of cornnuts. That’s a pretty good thing overall. It’s not really
worth mentioning, though. I got some work done today, though. I’ve been finding it
difficult to do that lately. I’ve been distracted or something… Ok.
Back at it.

Halloween Costume Ideas (bad ones):

  • bearskin rug
  • remote control
  • dandruff
  • dandelion
  • Sea Monkey
  • Crack Addict
  • Porn Addict
  • Susan B. Anthony
  • Bill Clinton
  • a wall hanging of any kind
  • a snake of any kind
  • Any crew member from Star Trek
  • Marilyn Manson
  • An open butt surgery patient
  • Any sort of legal document
  • Any sort of museum exhibit
  • Any sort of board game.
  • Any sort of packaged Candy.
  • Any sort of hallucinogenic substance.
  • Anything remotely related to activism (that’s a quick way to kill any party!)
  • An electronic music group.

Riding on the city bus it all at once stimulating, exciting, invigorating, nauseating, depressing,
and vile. On a single bus ride, you come into contact with so many people doing so many different
things. Everyone is talking about different things and going about their lives in different ways.
It’s exciting to know that so many people are alive around you. At the same time, there are
people saying disgusting things in a disgusting manner. There are people being loud with nothing
to say. There are people that are upset or down because things are not going their way. It is
something that I would probably not miss if I never did it. At the same time, it also gives me
something to think about.

Why don’t people just get over this whole Bill Clinton thing? Impeach him already! Or, don’t impeach
him already! There’s no need to drag it out for so long. I guess we do tend to drag everything out,
though. It’s so irritating to be a human sometimes. urgh.

I find myself sometimes arguing with one person about nothing really in particular in
some strange defense of a third person. In this scenario, I seem to actually agree
with the person I am arguing with, but I still find it necessary to try to defend that
third person. It sort of creates a lot of strife in areas where it doesn’t need to be.
Fortunately, we all seem to be pretty mellow people and no bridges gut burnt.
Lucky us.


Hey. In commemoration of our wonderful, amazing president, I have started a new
section of this wonderful, amazing website. It’s called
Special Sauce. Check it Out!
(if you haven’t already).

There’s nothing as important as friends. That fact is drilling itself deeper into my
psyche all the time. There’s all different kinds of love, and you need them all. It’s
like a spectrum or a rainbow. Any one of the colors can be beautiful by itself, but
you need them all to see the whole picture. That’s pretty deep, but I’m that way
sometimes, you know? Anyway, friends represent one (or maybe more) of those
colors
of love
and you need them just as much as you might think you need sex or drugs or
your poodle, Fufu. Don’t mess up the good love relationships you have. You can never
have too many friends. Word up.


Also, I started a bit of a new section. It’s not going to be updated daily, but the
thoughts there are a little more thought out, if you know what I’m saying. It’s called
Special Sauce and it’s the secret ingredient you’ve all
been waiting for. Check it Out!

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I had some Cuban food today for lunch. It was pretty good. Rice, black beans,
yuccas, and plaintains. I love plaintains. If you haven’t had them, they’re
banana-like things that are usually fried. They’re commonly found in Jamaican and
Cuban food. They’re something not to miss. If you have never had them, you
should seek them out. Look in the phone book for Jamaican or Cuban food and go out
and order a whole lot of them.

Someone was killed near the building where we keep some of our servers today.
It was an old woman. She was hit by a car that was coming out of a parking garage.
It was apparently a hit and run. I hope whoever did it can’t deal with the guilt
and loses his/her mind, ruining his/her own life and the lives of everyone he/she
loves.

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I went to the mall today. That’s always fun. There’s something so appealing about
teenage girls in skimpy outfits.
And the boys are so young and fresh. And they call bars meat markets…

Oh the Heat:
Today’s beating is provided by Mark

So, it’s really hot here (as those of you who live in the L.A. area
know). In the shade temperature hit 110F where I live today. It
was 101F in my home office today.

Normally it’s air conditioned.

But, as the fates would have it, *rats* ate through my electric
utility wires on the hottest weekend of the year!

How fucked up is that??!?!

Yesterday, there were all kinds of sparks comming from near
the utility pole. Since then (well, up until a few minutes
ago) we had weird power — 95VAC under zero to small load,
but try to run anything big, like an A/C or TV, and blammo,
potential drops to 60VAC. Edison guy just left. He says
rats ate some cables. I hope the little fuckers got fried
real good. If you think I’m being harsh, well, *you*
try sleeping in an 85 degree bedroom!

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That dog from yesterday was gone in the morning, but he was back again tonight.
He had a collar on, too. He does seem to belong to somebody. I wonder who.
I wish his leg didn’t hang on his body like that. It’s a bit disturbing.

He’s so jovial (as dogs often are) for not really having use of one of his limbs.
It’s weird. I think he might be some sort of sign from somewhere. I always have
to remind myself of the fact that nothing really matters if you’re not basically
happy overall. I don’t mean super-smiley, showing teeth all the time kind of happy…
just sort of an overall positive view on things. If the going isn’t getting better
and doesn’t seem like it’s going to anytime soon… then change direction.
You have that choice. That’s why we have brains.

I think I need more passion in my life. Some days I feel like I’m just going
through the motions following some big gears that are turning somewhere far off,
directing me (along with everyone else) on toward something that we don’t really care
about. And that might be how it is, and that might be ok. But if that’s the case,
the important stuff in life must be in the doing and in the actions. You need
to thrive on the sheer pleasure of doing what it is you do, no matter what the result
might be, and if you don’t enjoy it, don’t do it.

Easy to say, hard to do. I’m full of that sort of thing.

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For god’s sake, let’s get past this stupid Bill Clinton incident. I’m at a loss about
what problem people are having with it. Yes, it’s sexual harassment. What’s the issue?
Are people shocked that it happens, shocked that the president does it, or shocked
that it’s on the news? Whatever the case may be… get over it. The world around us
is full of dumb male fuckers who can’t think of women as anything other than a pleasant
place to hang out in (so to speak). That’s not a frickin’ strange, unheard of thing.
It’s everywhere, all the time. In fact, it’s even a bit of an issue of respect between
men, especially professional men. If you don’t talk about girls with them, they’ll think
you’re weird (or maybe even, *gasp*, a fag or something). Who would vote for a president
that didn’t seem to like women? I would, but I’m one of those fuckers that doesn’t vote.

I’m so sick of the frickin’ politics all the time, and I’m even more sick of the people
who seem shocked all the time. Get a grip and read the National Enquirer or something.
That’s some really shocking stuff.

It sure was nice to get out of my good mood today. What a bunch of crap that can be.

I guess one good thing happened today. At least the president didn’t get away with his
indescretion. I say, “burn the fucker.” Let’s make it a live internet broadcast, too.
That’d be dope.

Now, maybe people will elect a president that has actually done something interesting.
All the ones people keep picking keep turning out to be assholes. Hmmm… I wonder
if there’s a pattern to it… nah.

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Computers suck sometimes. If people even knew half of what we put into keeping
Dreambook alive and kicking …
they’d gladly pay us twice as much… (2×0=…0)

Anyway. It scares me when dumb people are in charge of important stuff. And that
seems to happen everywhere I look. But I guess who am I to say that they’re dumb, right?
Yeah, but who are they to say that stuff is important, anyway? It’s not really that
important when you really look at it… and then
maybe I guess they’re not really so dumb after all, either.
Well, that got us nowhere.

Today, I found myself waiting for somebody. Waiting is a bit of an annoyance.
There are some good things to it, though. It’s like wasted time that you can blame
on somebody else. You can use that time to do some things you had been sort of trying to
make some time to do… hopefully you don’t find yourself waiting somewhere where
you can’t really do anything like a hospital waiting room or something, ick.

Think of it as tax-free time.

So what did I do? Well, I checked out some web sites… Most notably one that
has already gotten a lot of attention and doesn’t need a low-life like me to toot its
fruit, but here it is: spacegirl.org

It’s run by a dope girl with a dope outlook on things. dope

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I’ve started to notice that my own life is a little more boring that I had realized.
In lieu of boring everyone to tears, I’ll start filling in the boring bits of my
life with some random gibberish off the top of my head.


The girl’s weight felt very real and very right after what they had been through.
He bounced her a bit to tighten his grip and recenter her weight, and she moaned
quietly and momentarilly gripped him tighter. Nothing had felt so good in a very
long time. He felt needed. He had a reason.

And so he carried her in his arms as he walked along the deserted road. He didn’t
know where they were going, or what they were going to do once they got there.
That didn’t matter right now, though. Nothing mattered right now. The sun would be up
the rest of the way within a couple of hours, and the temperature would start to rise.

He had to find some shelter before then or no one would need either of them ever
again. He wasn’t worried, though. Nothing could bother him right now.


I’ve started to notice that my own life is a little more boring that I had realized.
In lieu of boring everyone to tears, I’ll start filling in the boring bits of my
life with some random gibberish off the top of my head.


“Evil.” That was all she could think.

“Just plain evil.” But what else could she think? Everything that was important to her
had been destroyed, and it could all be blamed on one man. How could one man
hold so much hate? How could he be so… so… well, evil?

“I’m sorry, ma’am.” He had the gall to speak to her. “I’ve got to shut it off.”
She glared at him, noticing his age starting to show at the corners of his eyes.
“It’s just my job.”

“Evil man,” she said, mostly under her breath.

“I’ll be quick about it so I can get out of your way.” She watched him as he worked
his evil ways, every ounce of her hate beaming out of her eyes. If she could have
pierced through his body with her gaze, she would have done it.

It didn’t take him
more than 15 minutes to destroy her life, and he was soon on his way out the door.

“Have a good day, ma’am.”

“Go to hell.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

He turned and walked back down the narrow hall to the stairs leading
out of the apartment building. A couple of floorboards protested his weight as
he crossed over them. She
watched him go, and all she could do was read the logo on the back of his jumpsuit
over and over.

It said: “Century Cable Television.”

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List Day:
Warm socks straight from the dryer on a cold morning, running through sprinklers
on an impossibly hot day, eggnog on Christmas Eve, burnt marshmallows, sour gummy bears,
a single bead of sweat rolling down the middle of your back, accomplishment,
resolution, a still wet night together, hydraulic cars, imitation cheese powder,
the big city closing in around you, shelter, “dy-no-mite“.

List Day:
A cat screaming out its last breath, the look of that homeless man on the corner,
my own fears of failure, frustration, fatigue, denial, a still hot night alone,
pork rinds, stale beer, the big city closing in on you, broken pencil tips, stolen dreams,
shelter, bad music, bad acting, bad boob jobs, “fire in the hole”.

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List Day:

That head pain that you get when eating cold things too fast, sticky palms,
windy days, yellow sports cars, sucky drivers, sucky traffic, tight blue jeans,
popular music, blood sausage, the Year 2000 problem, dumb holidays
(like national asparagus day), grumpy people, hearing something straight
from the horse’s mouth, unimaginative lame-o doctors who think they know
what’s best for you better than you do, cockroaches, slimy things, cheap chinese
food, grease, big fat meat, unfulfilled hopes and dreams, insincerity.

List day.

Video games, cartoons, blue eyes, long legs, hairy spiders, the Beastie Boys,
drum n bass, veggie corndogs, muscle cars, cryptic command-line interfaces
understandable only by people who deserve to be paid lots of money,
Nutter Butter cookies (nutterbutter.com is not registered!), icicles, Bloody Marys,
peanut butter, Batman: The Animated Series, Civilization II, BeOS, pouty lips,
Ally McBeel, Ani DiFranco, red hair, soft skin, Indian food, big tattoos,
perky nipples, passionate feelings.

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I was thinking today (or perhaps last night) how glad I am that there are men and women.
I’m glad that humans were not created as a single-sex species that just sort of replicates
every once in awhile. On top of that, I’m glad that men and women seem to be different.
I like to feel like there’s always more to the world no matter how much I think I can
learn from it on my own. There’s always at least one other possible perspective.

As it turns out, too, when you really start paying attention, there’s a lot more than
just one other perspective. There are as many other perspectives as you can open your
mind up to. There are so many people around you every day with so many different ways
of thinking and feeling. And all you have to do is notice.

I wish it were as easy to do things as it were to say them.

Give me a shout!

So… the police came to our house again tonight. It doesn’t happen all that often, but
it’s starting to increase in frequency a bit. We’ll have to watch ourselves. It was
for a noise complaint, as usual, this time it was from some old lady or something
(I’ve only heard the store second-hand) and we scored 5 cop cars! Yee!

Anyway, the woman is apparently talking about a law suit and says she’s complained to
the city, and called the cops, and whined about it to her friends, and … well,
talked to everybody about it but us. Hmmm… that doesn’t seem like the most
(how should I put this? … ) effective way to handle the situation, does it?

Doesn’t it seem logical to you that the first place you should go to solve your problems
would be the source? That seems like the most direct way to me.
I could be wrong, of course.
But I don’t think I am.

I have a simple request. Unless you suspect your neighbors are homicidal,
please attempt to handle your own frickin’ domestic problems before
you go and bug the police, who have much better things to do in my neighborhood
with 5 cop cars. I bet the cops will appreciate the extra free-time, and it just plain
feels good!

Thank me later.

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