iDallas!My horoscope has been just amazing and incredible lately. It’s making me rethink everything going on in my life. I think I really needed that push.
I have already moved myself into a new room at the building with a new desk setup, and I have a new pet.
Life is changing!
I’m thinking all the time about something terrible I did this weekend. It showed off the gaping holes in the shell I have been constructing for awhile around me.
It’s especially bad because I really shouldn’t need to have a shell like that in the first place. I should be able to let people come in close to me. I have decided that I can’t, I guess… and who’s to tell me different?
Maybe someone already has.
Maybe lots of people already have… and I haven’t listened very well up to now.
I haven’t yet accomplished anything very noteable. I must not slow down, but I must also still be careful to not disrupt the flow.
I have some people around me. I think some of them might hang around for awhile.
(I need more sleep!)
I guess I do have to try to keep people I want around me around me. I feel like everything will just be how it wants to be, but then who’s fault is it that I’m sad a lot of the time?
Fault. Yep. Yep.
Certainly not mine. Nothing’s ever my fault, right?
I feel like giving up sometimes. All my power is just air. I’m floating up into the sky, but I’ll fall again some day.
I need to stop picking fights with people, too. I should just forget about things and let it all go, you know? Everything is aok.
And then people will just call me a whimp. Ahaha. And I care.
I have a burn mark on my heart left there by you.
And you might not even know who you are…
But I don’t know.
I believe I have left a mark of some sort on you as well. And it’s weird because I am proud of the marks I have and I am proud of the marks I have left.
The marks remind us that we are not supposed to be seamless, shining representations of a world that can never exist. We are here and the world is here with us. Or something. There is no separator there.
And those marks remind us of things that we might not want to forget… but then sometimes I feel like it would just be easy to keep my eyes focused forward and just keep my feet trailing one by one through the shifty sand below. All systems go, all paths lead to somewhere. They must. It’s one of those things that we rely on.
Otherwise, we will go crazy.
But, I believe I might go crazy, anyway.
Sometimes, I feel like I should just go crazy now. Sometimes, I feel like that might really be the goal. The goal. The goal.
Alive.
A lie.
I’ve been dreaming.
Have I been dreaming about you?
I’ve been thinking.
Have I been thinking about the world around me, or perhaps the world outside?
I’ve been swimming,
Swimming through a sea of incompatible impossibilities, or so I might like to think.
The world is not as broken as I used to believe, but I don’t know if I am strong enough to deal with the alternative.
punchy
aha. You laugh.
pine needles covering the dead, cold ground,
in winter.
lay down and look up at the sky,
and watch the leaves curl up and die,
and hear the birds fall silent,
and.
sleep.
sleep three thousand whiles…
remember the children,
playing and screaming screams of nothing,
fearless.
remember the water,
waves rushing up to your fish-white feet,
coiling around your small-time toes.
Walking in front of 300 years of steps in the sand.
Laser tag my butt today,
loser dork-head poop.
Just see how much it hurts.
And we’ll both remember anyway,
probably longer than our first kiss.
But maybe not.
When I hear about deep life sorts of things, it makes me feel a little selfish and small-minded. I spend so much of my time worrying about stupid little things that keep the world from being perfect, and I forget to notice how wonderful it is.
Us stupid spoiled Americans and our whiny-ass ways.
We are all children of the sun, and we must acknowledge that by looking up into it at least once a day. The sun knows when you are looking, and the appreciation will be felt.
In addition, we must come together to rejoice for at least a few days a year and hopefully a full week or more if possible. Multiple times a year is also encouraged.