I’m heading to Connecticut with Jason for a wedding. I have a lot of weddings to go to this year! I think maybe the times they are a changing and all that.

I get real unsociable when I don’t eat for too long. I wonder if I have unstable blood sugar levels or something. As long as I eat regularly, I’m ok, but if I skip a meal for longer than 3 or 4 hours, I start to get really grumpy.

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The emotional girl got upset when I was beating her at Tetris the other day. I felt bad. I was just playing well that day. No biggie.

It’s ok now.

Two open hearts
beating side by side.
A gentle surgeon watches with delight.
ba-dump ba-dump.
Two as one.

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I have been so slow to update lately.
I’m sorry!

I’ve had a lot of thinking going on.
I also went snowboarding and stuff like that.

Yesterday I went to Internet World LA and saw all the big hype. It’s interesting and thought-provoking and tiring and annoying. As all conferences tend to be.

Now I am working on coming up with lots of brilliant ideas to make Newdream lots and lots of money without costing us very much. I will be extremely successful, of course, and the riches will come rolling in.

I almost got in two car accidents on the way home from work yesterday. I was really distracted for some reason. I hope that sort of thing doesn’t start to happen more often. Getting old might really be a drag!

I’ve been thinking about how old I might actually want to get. It seems like even 80 might be too old to do much fun. But then I guess you have all these family people who you don’t want to hurt. Dying would probably be more painful for other people than for you.

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There’s this funny feeling you get when you see things working out in oddly comforting ways. Our skeptic nature makes us want to look deeper. “Too good to be true.” You’ve heard it before.

I want to forget that feeling, though… and let things take their course. If I get taken along the way, then I guess that’s just how it’s going to be.

tempting turnovers
lying helplessly in the boiling oil.
They call out to me in their sweet sort of way,
but I don’t notice,
as I am distracted by the danish.

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dripping down against the wall,
I reach up for something, a light switch,
anything to protect me from this fall.

I angle my fears towards the ground beneath,
coming up fast, I am together with it now.
And I stop a moment to give life a thought and then it sweeps me away.

And together we shout, me, myself, and I,
and we shout about never never land and a girl we once knew.
And somewhere far away, she pauses her paradise for a moment of contemplation.
And we know, me, myself, and I,
that she’s thinking about us. Together at last.

beautiful and witty,
a gaze as true as triumph.
infectiously funny,
and thoughtful and bold.

A mythical creature, some might suppose,
her true nature, a mystery indeed.
She looks at me in wonder,
or so she leads me to believe.
And I stare back in awe,
powerless to defend.

She’s got me thinking reel by reel,
of a world like no other,
a world of night before day,
and dawn before dusk.
A world of hope spoken out loud,
and a tremor of ancient desires.

She’s watching me now.
I’m sure of it.

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Last night I went out to our usual Monday night hangout with some of the usual Monday night crew. I ended up staying up too late working on music as a result. I have been getting up pretty late this week. I’m not sure why that is. It might just be the holiday slowdown coming on. That’s somewhat acceptable.

I need to finish this track I have going on. I think people might like to hear it. I think I might like to hear it, too. All in one. Hearing bits of it over and over is nice and all, but I could have more fun for sure. The problem is that I’m never super duper happy with the finished tracks… I always see what it could have been rather than what it is. The difference between those two things is shrinking, though. That’s nice.

I’m somewhat hopeful lately.
Haha. optimism.

I’m leaning against a cold steel pole. It’s keeping me from falling, but it’s very very cold and hard against my back. I turn around and grab the pole with my two hands and, holding my arms semi-stiff, I shake myself back and forth until I can’t feel my fingers at all anymore. Then, I stop and look around. I hear something. Someone is softly laughing from somewhere nearby. If I were not so cold, I would be enraged. As things are, I am barely curious.

Time ticks on and I am alone with someone else’s laughter.

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The thought of maybe falling in love does excite my mind quite a bit. It’s one of those things that keeps me poised at my keyboard for moments upon moments, waiting for letters to start coming out, and then slowly, hesitatingly, they do. And they do. And they don’t spell out anything of much use.

I think I would like to fall in love with somebody willfull enough to make me forget everything and not want to remember. Oh, romantic me. Oh hahaha. Not want to remember. That’s nice.

No, but I really do need someone to make me stop doing the things that I really don’t care about and start doing all the things I do care about. I guess I’d have to really figure out what those things are first, though.

Life is a maze, it seems, but there is no reason to try to win, because there’s nothing of interest at the middle. Mazes can be fun, though. You can meet a lot of interesting people in the middle of them, for sure.

A worm? A worm. C’mon inside and meet the missus. I love that part of labyrinth… with the little worm inviting the big people into his small crack in the wall house for tea.

So, I go la la la ing all the way into tomorrow morning, then.

Lately, I’ve been starting to not really even want to check my email. I know, GASP, and all that. It just seems like less and less of my email is actually friendly. Most of it is telling me about some new problem or asking me about some new this or that. And some of it is heated discussions I don’t care very much about or blah blah blahing I could do without.

I don’t have much energy to do much about this, either. It seems like it might be a sign of some sort. I would like it to be a sign of a dramatic change in my life. I feel like I’ve said that before, too. Things have been changing, but I feel like I want something in particular to change. I feel like I want something to enter my life that really just takes a seat squarely between me and everything else I care about. I want to fall in love.

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ironic derogatives
dreadful degenerates.
smiling without teeth
slithering tongues colliding.
derived esoterics harping on erotic.
the creation of nothingness
is supervised by everybody.
listen in on alien conversations
and struggle to join the perfect opposites.

three times dreaming
of a far away night
birds singing softly
without a doubt.
pirouettes smashing through the clouds
and laundrymat ballerinas taking center stage.
Assault with a deadly idea.
Unheard of around here,
but integral for change.

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My cat’s been sort of nicer to me lately. I think she’s warming up a bit. She’s grown up in this crazy big place with lots of other cats around. It’s hard for a small, young cat to really get comfortable here. That’s too bad, you know?

I’ve decided I’m going to start reading more regularly again. I think it’s a good time in my life. I have tons of free time and all that.

la la la de da
waiting for the water to fall.
la da la de doo
I wonder just what it’s going to do.

Yesterday was crazy.

Right when I got into work, there was an emergency with some guy’s server having been down for 12 hours already, and when I checked it out, it was pretty messed up, and I had to scramble to get everything up and running right. That was before breakfast.

Then, later in the day, one our data centers somehow had a 3 hour outage taking down a lot of our stuff, including the machine I had just fixed that morning. Man.

A new guy started, though. That’s really got my mood up. I think it’s a good thing.

Somehow I made it through yesterday without getting too stressed out, though. Cool.

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Shifty shy and the shiney sonuvaguns started watching the sunset every evening one day, and they just never went back.

Why is it so hard for people to connect the way you expect them to be able to when you are a child?

And why does it make so sad to think that things really aren’t the way I thought they were when I was a child?

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The gods are battling it out.
Mount Olympus will never be the same.

One god is being replaced by two.
Twin towers, separated at birth.

All eras die at some point, I guess.
Some people are too quick to wanna nail down the coffin, though. The death of a known beast could be the beginning of a greater unknown.

With unknown, there can always be hope, however.

I’m impatient.
If an answer doesn’t come to me right away, I give up or just try to force an answer. Whatever answer.

I want everything to be quick and tidy.
When something isn’t, it just keeps kicking around in my head for days upon days. I can’t let myself go the extra step to really give the situation a good think-through.

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I feel like giving up sometimes. All my power is just air. I’m floating up into the sky, but I’ll fall again some day.

I need to stop picking fights with people, too. I should just forget about things and let it all go, you know? Everything is aok.
And then people will just call me a whimp. Ahaha. And I care.

I have some people around me. I think some of them might hang around for awhile.

(I need more sleep!)

I guess I do have to try to keep people I want around me around me. I feel like everything will just be how it wants to be, but then who’s fault is it that I’m sad a lot of the time?

Fault. Yep. Yep.
Certainly not mine. Nothing’s ever my fault, right?

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Laser tag my butt today,
loser dork-head poop.
Just see how much it hurts.
And we’ll both remember anyway,
probably longer than our first kiss.
But maybe not.

punchy
aha. You laugh.
pine needles covering the dead, cold ground,
in winter.
lay down and look up at the sky,
and watch the leaves curl up and die,
and hear the birds fall silent,
and.
sleep.
sleep three thousand whiles…
remember the children,
playing and screaming screams of nothing,
fearless.
remember the water,
waves rushing up to your fish-white feet,
coiling around your small-time toes.
Walking in front of 300 years of steps in the sand.

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I realized tonight that I define everything in my life by what I see wrong with it. Everything is a sum of it’s faults… the things about it keeping it from being perfect in my eyes.

That’s almost sick. It also means I’ll never notice anything that really is perfect. Or maybe I will, but I’ll never quite be able to deal with it.

There’s some alive living in the back of my throat. It wants to come out and say hi… but it’s shy.

Wouldn’t you know it?

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radio reasons beam out to outer space
no one, perhaps, is there to listen, and that’s too bad
I guess, because if we are not there, then who will be?
and will they be friendly?

revolving simplicities fuel the exploding relationships betrween evil and more evil,
and denegrating evolutionary cycles do nothing to reveal the inner turmoil
tick tock toenails biting at the truth
tuh tuh ta tee

preliminary investigations reveal transient possibilities
eliminating the obvious incorrections helps to make things a bit more clear
clarity of mind and clarity of vision invoke a feeling of general ease of mind
hyperbolic notions of time and space limit your imagination and keep you in your place.

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I have to prepare myself to deal with that whole large group inertia thing for the next couple of days… whenever you get involved with a group larger than 5 or so, there starts to be a considerable amount of group inertia… nobody can decide what we want to do, or how we want to do it, or when we want to do it… and then when we do decide, it takes as much time to get everyone together and out the door as it does to do whatever group activity we’ve come up with.

It’s not that bad, I don’t guess… but it is draining, still.

I’m in Ashland, Oregon, hometown of Mr. Sage Weil. A large group of internet heros have gathered here to celebrate the anniversary of the birth of aforementioned Mr. Sage Weil.

AShland seems to be a bit of a mystical center point of internet-related thought or something. I suspect to get closer to the truth while I’m here. I just hope I have enough time.

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We’re all pinwheeling our arms around and around out in a grassy field under a clear, blue sky. And we don’t want to run into each other as we spin around, but we sort of do, too.

Last night, I saw a dance company called Urban Bush Women. They seemed to have a message about urban women in the world. They are strong, and powerful, and sensual, and compassionate, and all else. The dancing was to a live percussionist. He was good, and I ended up watching him a lot of the time. There’s no reason to watch a drummer, though, is there?

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There’s so much open space across America and it seems to mostly be filling up with large stores, restaurants, cinemas, and minimalls. It looks the same almost everywhere I’ve been… lots of open, grassy sort of areas… with lots of big, brand-new buildings popping up in place of wildflowers and tumbleweed.

I guess that’s what urban sprawl is, and it seems to be the primary thought export of Los Angeles.

ick.

There’s a lot of other things going on in the world. It’s too bad you can’t be in lots of places at once or be involved with lots of things at once. I suppose you could travel around and juggle lots of activities at once, but then you’d probably end up spending most of your time making arrangements for travel and figuring out what to do next.

I think you can only really be happy and somewhat fulfilled if you’re putting a majority of your energy into something you really care about… and no one can really care about travelling. Travelling is just going places and looking and seeing. It’s also a little bit of interacting, but not very much… not the sort of interacting that starts to develop with people you’ve known and cared about for several years.

So, then I guess it’s sad that you can’t be with everyone all the time. It’s something everyone has pretty much accepted, but it’s still sorta sad.

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technology is just another bogus religion. It promises to be the bringer of all you need and really only causes more problems than it can ever fix.

That seems pretty pessimistic to me, and I guess it probably is, but it’s just hard to shake the feeling that we’re just spinning along, feeling the wind in our face, and not really noticing what we’re riding over…

It’s easy to get caught up in things, I guess. You have to try to stay aware and awake while doing it, though, so you can tell other people what it’s like so they can maybe try to not get caught up in it when it gets to them. Eventually, someone will figure it out, right?

I know that I can talk about what bothers me and there are people out there that want to listen to me and care about what I’m feeling. I’m not always sure why those people are so strange like that, but I still appreciate it.

I also know, though, that there are 100 million people that don’t know what I’m talking about and don’t care to know for every person that does.

There’s some odds for ya. I’m a gambling man.

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hot tub
swirling water around my ears.
drowzy giggle.
slip back and fall down.
dim dum.
zim zum.
zee.

people don’t live their lives today. They wake up when an electronic device tells them to. They read about people they don’t know and will never know in a newspaper delivered by somebody they will probably never meet. then they eat processed food and top it off with some vitamins just to be sure they remain healthy and happy. then they drive to a manufactured job providing unnecessary services for unnecessary people. Then they spend their time thinking about doing things that don’t matter with people they’d like to know. Then they come home and pretend they have hobbies.

vive.

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It’s raining today. It rains so seldom here.
I’m looking forward to whatever that might mean.
It might mean a fresh start for a new morning tomorrow.. perhaps the sky will be a little less brown (boy, was it ugly yesterday!), or perhaps the clouds will be a little bit puffier.
It might also mean a light dew will fall on our heads from the big dark sky while we look up into the face of god… and wait for whatever message might come forth.

To you and yours: Be pleasant to one another. Don’t fight about stupid shit. Don’t care about things that don’t matter. Actually try to figure out for yourself what does matter. If everyone did that… there’d be a whole lot of people thinking that weren’t before.

Rar.

down with the military
and down with sin
down with your name
and down with that dumb grin

down with the yankees
and down with the jews
down with the antichrist
and down with you!

down with computers
and down with the internet
down with my damn website
and down with silly old me.

Long live Y2k!

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I am beating my head against this post that I have put in the ground so I would have something to lean on. It’s the truth, haha, that I base my philosophy, even more hahaha, on. The truth that’s somewhere deep inside of me.

That said. Love. Fuck that shit. Technology’s where it’s at.
Right?

No matter how much money I spend on toys, nothing can make me feel like the moment an amazing beautiful young thing catches me trying to catch her eye. Nothing.

That’s not to say that feeling is the only thing worth striving for… hardly, ahaha. No, but its just an illustration of sorts that maybe people really do grow up and maybe there really is more to life than the mechanics of the world going on around us. Maybe, just maybe, we can have a chance to think and feel alike once in awhile, and maybe, just maybe, that’s really all that matters.

As if anything really matters. ahaha.

lick
that cold post
and stay there forever
so I’ll know
that you’ll be there
when I return

If you can’t do that for me.
I don’t think I can go on to do
the things I have always wanted to do.
Because I know that I must be alone
or I will not be able to distinguish my own thoughts from yours.

But why do I care?
Why does anyone care, really? Why do I ask so many fucked up questions? ahah.

I guess this isn’t much of a laughing matter, and somehow I have managed to make the beating somewhat positive and this blessing is turning somewhat sour. Sweet old life, that is, I guess. hee.

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Iemon rods
and ice cubes
lick my fingers
and watch me run

all down
always up
throw down a lick
and here I come

drizzle and shine
thick with thin
melancholy carnival
time out of mind.

rattling in my head
am I dead?

rotating reasons in my mind
what did I find?

angry enemy terrorizing me
do I care?

I almost always act sorta funny on my birthdays. I don’t want people to make a fuss over me. I want attention for who I am, rather than for what day I was born on.

Or something. I dunno.

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I’ve been getting attention from a couple of random internet people. That’s always cool. It makes me feel like there’s some sort of method to all of this madness. At the very least, I will be able to say that I traded some thoughts with some people I would have probably never have otherwise met.

I was also thinking today that a large portion of my day is actually spent reading and writing… it’s all about absorbing the thoughts of others and integrating thing with my own and processing that mess and spitting out some sort of organized gook.

It’s sort of like making cookies…

the neighbors are making issues about the dog we’ve taken in… she’s a stray, but she’s awfully sweet.

Our place isn’t the best place for a dog to be, but she seems happy enough, even if she is jittery all the time.

They claim she’s scaring away their customers… whatever!

We’re not really supposed to have pets here… and we really aren’t in a position to cause trouble… we should just behave, but we’re just a bunch of kids. And that fact is absolutely obvious to everyone but us.

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I’ve been sorta lonely, lately. I think I’ve been noticing certain moments more than others, and those moments are the ones when I’m walking to my car after a night of fun or I’m laying in bed trying to fall asleep, thinking to myself.

It’s the times when I really am by myself. Sometimes, I’m so busy I don’t have time to take notice. But, sometimes the feeling asserts itself enough, and I can’t help but pay attention.

And then last night I had a dream involving Ally McBeal! Help!

I am working from the new office building!

A new era has begun!

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I should call a certain girl that’s been in my mind. A few girls have actually been in my mind, but I should call one of them in particular. I just got her number recently.

She’s interesting. I like interesting. I think she might even be somewhat inspiring. I like that, too. We’ll see. I’ll call her soon.

I got out some feelings today. I also watched some dumb people get berated by Judge Judy. Those two things sort of go together, I guess…

I keep ending up really tired at night, lately.
Does that mean I’m working hard or not eating enough or both?

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Some things will never cease to fascinate and amaze me. I can feel good knowing that. No matter what else goes on, there will always be things that will still give me simple delight.

And as I grow up and the world around destroys itself, or maybe just as my naive impression of the world does that, those simple delights will become increasingly important to me. And I will have to hold onto them.

The look in some people’s eyes goes so deep… and so far. And I wonder if they are seeing as deeply into me and I wonder if I am really seeing what I think I see… and I don’t know what it all means, but I have hope.

It’s not really so bad to dislike people is it? If they deserve it? I don’t really think so… dislike is just that… the opposite of like. Hate is another issue altogether. And we don’t want to think about that.

But does not thinking about something really make it go away?… well, maybe. If everyone stops thinking about something, then it will indeed be gone as part of the human thought-tank. That’s the utopian thing, I guess.

Don’t worry. Be content.
And love two things for every one thing you dislike.

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Today, I saw a woman driving on the freeway in an aging American car, with a sticker on the back window that said, “I heart Tupperware”, but with a little heart symbol instead of the word heart.

Also, I saw a man standing in the middle of a busy street with lots of people walking around, shopping and stuff (Santa Monica 3rd St Promenade, no cars, just people), and the man was yelling things about the end of the world or something.

Weird.
I am blessed.

Tonight also…
I heard a grown man use the word “dope” and the phrase “hard core” several times in the same pseudo-paragraph… I say pseudo-paragraph, because it was mostly a bunch of non-sensical run-on sentences strung together with random articles.

You have to show some constraint when you talk like that in public!

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There’s still so much to do. Things are coming along, though.

I’m frantic all the time, and I haven’t had much time to update the website or keep the world informed of my situation. I know it’s been a bother, but it will all be worth it!

It looks like we’ll be moving into that cool art deco 3-story building! It’s got tons of rooms and all the comforts of a modern office building.

We’ll have to paint some walls and replace some carpet and put in a fat internet connection and then watch out world!

I also have a workstation set up at another office, so I have somewhere to go when I need to focus. My house is distracting!

Things are coming along.

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Someone wrote me some nice comments. Thank you someone.

What’s weird is that he talks about how he feels like he knows me (which is quite a sweet compliment, I think) but I don’t know him. It’s true. See how above I only call him ‘someone’? That proves.

I guess one thing I think, though, is that I now know him better than I’ll ever know most of the people I see in the supermarket.

This crazy communications technology has made the whole concept of geography irrelevant. That is sort of neat because it allows new ideas to form that never would have before, but it’s sort of sucky because people don’t even hang out with their next-door neighbors anymore. I’ve said this before, but it’s still true.

It’s sad. But this is the blessing, so thanks someone for making me happy.

The beating!
Beat. Beat. The beat…
the rumble in the distance. The sound of marching soldiers approaching. Woah! Step back. You’re being crazy. Think for a moment. You don’t really believe all this nonsense, do you?

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Is a technologically enhanced idea truly human in nature?

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The worst part is that my ego has no basis in reality. Well, not the Queen’s reality, anyway. But who cares about that?

We each make up our own story. Some of us just tell ours better.

I have an ego the size of Milwaukee.

I have three blind men strapped to my back so I’m never alone as I head down that crazy road we like to call the Los Angeles freeway system.

I am indeed more interesting in writing than anyone else I know.

I have more toes than a three-toed mule.
And nothing makes me prouder.

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I am lonely.
I fear I will be lonely forever.
I am not lonely because I don’t have people
around me. I am lonely because I know I am not like most people I see.

I don’t understand why people do what they do. I don’t understand why they don’t care the way I do.

And even more, I feel that I may be wrong.

I’ve been out for a little while.
Time to check in.

I went to San Diego last night to a club. Jorge was playing. It was a meat market. San Diego is like a farm for beautiful people. It’s the major export.

I met an interesting woman. She came up and starting talking to me. She was a little drunk, but not too bad. She’s into drum n bass and ambient music. Seems like my kinda girl.

I got her number. It wasn’t a big deal.

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Everything in America is about money.

No matter how you cut it or how much you try to forget it.

You can suck nitrous balloons all your life or fill your veins full of heroin or peanut butter or whatever, and nothing is going to change.

It’s all about dollars, cash, money.
Money is all most people think about. They worry about paying for this or that. They want to make their millions so they can drive their fancy cars and fuck their fancy women. They want to wear the nicest clothes and be seen in the ritziest places and they’ll do just about anything they can to make that happen.

It’s more addictive than any other thing on our planet. Once you have a little more than a little, you will always want more.

And more.

And it goes on. And there’s nothing you or anyone else can do about it.

So, if you forget about the problems with money, you can start to think about all the things you can do with it.

You can buy a whole studio full of the coolest music equipment and you can spend your whole life sucking nitrous balloons and jacking your veins full of heroin and playing with your toys.

If you’re lucky or inspired or something else you might even manage to make someone else a little happy, too.

And you will be a winner.

And we will love you for it.

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I went shopping this morning at about 9am. It was part of my wind-down process before bed. I sleep totally during the normal day now.

The supermarket is a different place at that time. People are more relaxed and less rushed. I did all my shopping and everything was cool.

While I was in the dairy section, some man asked me to help him find a small container of milk that was normal. He didn’t want low-fat or lactose free or anything like that. Just plain milk.

Ok.. I thought… and I pointed to the first one that looked good, but, wouldn’t you know it?, it was lactose free. Hmmm, this is going to be harder than I first thought… but I continued scanning the milk and I found one that was appropriate, way to the left.

Phew!

Slave.
Addict.
Obsessed.

Everything is described in such terrible terms.
It all has to be exaggerated or no one pays any attention to it!

What’s the deal with that?

You have to practically kill someone to get any respect these days!

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Today was nice. I’m starting to get used to the family. They’re not all bad. Just different.

I got some mocassin-like slipper-type things. I think I’m gonna get pretty used to having them. I might not wear shoes much at all anymore.

Viva la vie!

I’m glad people are nice to each other or at least spend a lot of money on each other once a year. If all the businesses in the country didn’t have at least one good quarter every year, I don’t know what would become of our economy.

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I spent the last 4 hours (it’s now 3:30 AM) jamming with a bunch of people, playing records, bongos, congas, timbales, cowbells, blocks of wood, a bass guitar, a guitar, some shaker things, and a Roland synthesizer.

It was pretty hectic, but a whole heck of a lot of fun. Playing music (or … making noise) with a bunch of people is so much more fun than playing with yourself… oops, I mean *by* yourself.

Silly me.

hee hee.

I did something dumb today… I had to drive out to fix the Dreambook server (azrael). It’s about a 20 minute drive from my house (with no traffic). So, I drove out there, and just as I was pulling into the parking lot, I realized I had left my keys at home. Fuck!

Fuck! (picture me banging on the steering wheel) Fuck! Fuck!

Oh well. I had to drive back and get them. And then the problem I had to fix was pretty minor.

I got to listen to “Loveline” on the radio, though. That made it all ok, sort of.


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I have more room in my rooom after the rearrange. I’ll put up a picture later in the day. I had fun yesterday. I hung out with some dear friends and we made some food and talked about technology and had a good ol’ time. There was no family pressures or incidents or anything like that.

I think Thanksgiving was always meant as more of a friends sort of holiday, anyway. That’s how the original pilgrims treated it.

The busiest shopping day of the year. Who cares? Why do people even bother? Do they really think they can show their love by buying something expensive? I suppose a thoughtful gift does show that you have paid attention to the needs of the other person, but it doesn’t really show that you care. A computer program could be written that would pay attention to a person and keep track of that person’s needs. A computer program will never be able to care.

Just paying attention to what somebody else has to say goes a long way. If families would spend more time paying attention to each other, people would get along more.

Each individual has needs that are unique. That has to be acknowledged before everyone will be able to be patient with one another and appreciate the little things that make life worth living.


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I’ve been sleeping a lot again. I’m putting that in here because it’s not really a good thing overall. I get enough sleep always… that’s not really the issue. It’s when I start deciding to sleep more than normal that there starts to be a problem…

I think I just realized that it was probably because I had been drinking a lot of Coke last week… and then I stopped this week… I was sleeping more because of the comedown from the caffeine. That sounds silly, I know, but I assure you it’s not. That stuff is crazy. Coke’ll kill you. It sure does hit the spot sometimes, though…


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I have managed to get a working web-based update interface for this website-dealie! Maybe this will make it easier for me to keep you up to date with the latest and greatest news and happenings from this miserable thing I like to call a life.

And if you are unhappy with it (and there might even be more of it than before!), then I guess you can just screw off. But, if you do like it, then I guess you can just screw on… or … I dunno, screw up? No… well, screw something nearby. That always makes me feel better…

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I spent today gliding through my moments, bouncing here and over there, wildy
wondering what experience I might encounter next. I spend most days like that.
It’s strange, because I am quite organized while I’m bouncing hither and thither.
I have to be, because I try my darnedest to never really quite figure out where
it is I’m going. I sometimes start to act as if I might have a plan, but then,
more often than not I end up suddenly changing my mind at the last moment and doing
something spontaneous despite my better planning…

Damn. I had some margaritas at dinner and it seems to have both put me into a
pessimistic mood and also somehow triggered my creative thinking engine. I was
wondering where that thing had gotten to.

But now that means I am going to have to spend some time carving some thoughts
out of the random characters I’m assembling here on the screen. That’s not
so bad, though, I think…


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I’ve noticed that there hasn’t been much difference between my blessings and my
beatings lately. That’s sort of weird. I usually start either one with the idea
that I am actually going to stick to the topic category at hand, but then somewhere
during my meandering thoughts something weird happens and everything just goes to poop.
I hope you don’t mind. I’m still irritated by some Australian nincompoop (is that
how you spell that?) who sent me a weird email. Man. You don’t want my life.

And that’s good, because I don’t want yours, either.

We checked out a new spot for a party happening tomorrow night. It’s an industrial space.
Oh my, I want to get my own industrial space. There was so much room! I want
to get a big open room, with some smaller partitioned off rooms for personal stuff, and
I want to have a big jungle gym in the middle of it! I want to be able to climb around
on the junge gym whenever I want… Oh my. I’m so looking forward to that.


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I was thinking about the human race, and I was thinking about animal species as a whole
and I was thinking about evolution as I understand it, and I was thinking about how
downright stupid humans seem sometimes. But then, I was thinking about how if any
person or thing makes the same mistake twice, then they pretty much deserve whatever’s
coming to them. So… if the human race does make the same mistake twice, then we’re
doomed for sure. I don’t think we have repeated any mistakes, though.

That’s why whenever something is described as the this-or-that of the 90’s, then
I think it’s a bunch of hog wash. A good example would be like calling ecstasy the
cocaine of the 90’s … A lot of people think that there was a lot of cocaine use
in the 70’s and 80’s and there probably was. There is also probably a lot of cocaine
use now, too. Some people probably think that Cocaine is one of those things
that will lead to the utter damnation of the human race, and it may be. That’s all
good, but calling something else the Cocaine of the 90’s is a bunch of crap. Call it
whatever you want, but come up with some new way to describe it. Loser.

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Do you ever see somebody when you’re out walking about or out dancing or out
mowing the lawn or out having a smoothie or whatever that just makes you
turn your head and look? You know, those people that instantaneously redefine
your concept of what it means to be sexy or alluring or cute or babealicious? Sometimes,
you might not even realize what has happened to you until a few days later when
you find yourself still thinking about that mystical person. Well, I just saw
one of those people in a club the other night. She was on the verge of beautiful
and hot at the same time, but there were still some noticeable flaws about her. It’s the
flaws that always get you. She also didn’t seem to care all that much about what was
going on around her. At first, I thought she wanted to leave, but then she started
dancing with some boy pretty hot-n-heavy and she seemed to like that… I did, anyway!
Ok. Enough with my blabbing.

I got some stuff done yesterday, yay! I’m still feeling the burn of a long week, though.
It wasn’t as hard as a hard week working for someone else, but it was
still tiring. I’ve been going to bed dead-tired every night. It’s fortunate that
I can sleep as long as I want, though. Lucky me.

Oh hey! I have a thought! Why is it that people get so hung up about things that are
super unimportant? Why do people have this idea that things like cars and what kind
of cheese you eat makes you different from other people? What makes people think
that someone who is different is someone that should be avoided? Why do people have
this urge to crawl into their own little ball and only touch up against other
people nearby that are all in their own little balls, too? Why? why? (why)

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A certain lover-baby is back for the attack safe in the house from the land of the big
bird. That’s all cool and all. Another certain wanna-lover-baby doesn’t seem to be
thinking of her big-bad-idallio enough for my liking. That could be better. The
moon and the stars are still shining bright, though us kids in LA can’t see it much
through the haze of that last bongo going bong in the night. And through it all,
all we can find the nerve to say is “cool”

At least that’s better than rad or wicked.

At least.

And then there’s awesome.

Awesome will return. And I’ll be ready for it.

Ok. This cell phone ordeal is starting to get out of hand. I know you’re thinking
something like, “Hey, at least you’ve got a cell phone. You don’t have a damn
thing to complain about!” And you’re probably right, but what’s a good day without
a few complaints? Anyway, they were supposed to set up the service on the same frickin’
day that I bought the phone… that was like … 5 days ago! They
called me twice today and got some last minute info, so it should be all good tomorrow.
It better be. Otherwise, they’re gonna get a royal idallas ass-kickin’.

Did you check out Special Sauce yesterday?

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Rage and vinegar and piss and sordid details of my sex life and racing through
my brain. I think it’s because I’m tired… writing these entries during the middle
of the day is different… I think maybe part of the edge is me being tired
all the time when I’m doing it. It’s that final spark of energy right before my lights
go out for another day. It’s the culmination of everything I wanted to accomplish
each day and didn’t. I’m pitiful. But, I am indeed a late-blooming progidy.
In fact, I’m still in development. One day, the world will be amazed that
someone my age is still so immature and trite. I’ll show them.

Do you want some advice? Keep your nose out of the books when you have a chance
and go outside and run as fast as you can for as far as you can until you fall over
from either being clumsy or from being out of breath and then lay on the ground and watch
the clouds above you make their path on their way to make new clouds and think
about everything you’ll never know and feel sorry for yourself for a few moments.
Then, get over that and go back to the books. You’ll thank me later.

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Fan-Mail Day:

Dear iDallas,

I used to think your site was pretty funny, but then you started droning on and on about
your stupid, FUCKING, boring life. I don’t want to hear about somebody else’s boring life.
Don’t you think that my life is just as stupid and FUCKING boring as yours is? Well, it is.
I look to you and people like you for some sort of soemthing different and interesting, as
opposed to stupid, FUCKING, and boring. I know it is your site (albeit stupid and FUCKING boring),
and it does say on the front page that it’s just for you, but still… I think that someone
with all of your obvious talent could do something better. Could you please just try?

Even more Bored than Before,
Joe-Bob

also, new thing in special sauce as of the 29th

I sit here and I stare at this screen sometimes (a different screen than I stare at most of
my life, but a now familiar screen nonetheless) and I wait for inspiration to beat me in the back
of my head so I can hope to possibly entertain somebody for one moment. Why do I do it? Maybe
because I’m just looking for dissapointment? Maybe because I’m looking for love anywhere I
might be able to find it? Maybe. Or maybe I’m just really obsessed with myself and I can’t
imagine the fact that no one else has started a website dedicated exclusively to me.
At any rate, I deserve sympathy.

I was woken up by a police car that was hanging out on the street in front of the house.
It seemed to be conversing with another police person about the happenings in the area. It had
it’s lighs on, and the conversation was loud enough so that it could me made out through the closed
windows. Sorta weird. It went on for about 20 or 30 minutes, I think. That, along
with the Black Panthers for Beginners book I’m reading has really got me irked against the
police. fuckers

Hey. Look at this: idallas vs The Purple Monkey.

Since I left college and starting working in the real world (more and less fun than
you might think at the same time), my spare thoughts have been increasingly devoted
toward establishing a physical sort of link with members of the opposite sex (hooking up,
as some people might say). I’ve been trying to figure out if maybe it might actually
be fun to just randomly hook up with never another word. I’ve also been trying
to figure out what’s so special about these so-called “hotties” or “babes”. Are they
really all they’re cracked up to be? What if they are and I’m missing out on the
experience of a lifetime?

Anyway, I find myself annoyed by all the steps that people seem willing to go through to
get to know people they don’t already know. People are willing to go through this
elaborate
process of first meeting, then doing some preliminary interacting (unfortunately not
generally involving hooking up), and then setting up a meeting that follows a
predefined sort of pattern (this meeting is usually called a date), and then on and on.
It also seems so ridiculous sometimes. Why can’t two people just see each other
on the street, go to some random nearby hut and proceed to hook up? You’ll probably learn
a lot of the really important stuff during that first hooking up section. I’m not
advocating random sex. I’m just suggesting that people should make out a little before
they even think about going out on a first date.

People could just see each other on the street, stare for a moment, and then both say,
“Wanna go hook up?” That would be dope.

Today, I was woken up early by the phone ringing. That’s normally sort of a bad thing,
but today it was ok. I’ve been sleeping a lot lately, and I was ready to get up.
I got up at about 7:30 am. That’s pretty frickin’ early, but now I’ve been
up for awhile, and I’ve already done some stuff today, and the sun is out,
it’s not super hot (thank you lord), and the birds are chirping. There’s a nice, gentle
breeze coming in through the window and circling around my bare belly and underarms.
All in all, I’m in a good mood. The only real problem is my hunger aching in my stomach
trying to force me to put off my idallas.com entry for another few moments. Never!
You come first, and that’s that!

Oh yeah. I put up a banner ad to help
increase my traffic flow a bit. That’s always fun.
I’ll be debuting a new section today, too! Super fun all around. Super Super.

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I think it sucks that people don’t just get along and that there are lots of men out
there who think the only good use for a woman involves their penis. I think there’s
lots of other uses for a woman, mostly involving my big toe. Seriously, though.
Why can’t people just pretend for a minute that they don’t really think they’re such
hot shit and just really pay attention to how people respond to them? So many people
tell dumb jokes that no one laughs at. What’s the point in that? Also,
men make sort of sexual flirty comments to women and sometimes don’t really get much
response. Do they think that means the woman is flattered? I doubt it. A woman
will let you know if she’s flattered. You can count on that.

Don’t listen to me, though. I’m no pro or anything.

Hey! I took some pictures of Gimpy, the neighborhood dog.
Also, Jorge and I had a long discussion
about some movie called In The Company of Boys or something like that. It’s about
this psychotic jerk who gets his jollies by tormenting women emotionally. He and
his buddy work up this plan to get this girl to like them and then humiliate her
or something. Anyway, I thought it was offensive and terrible. He thought is was
shocking and realistic. I guess those two descriptions aren’t too different
when you really think about it.

Oh yeah. The blonde girl I met at Fundamental called me back after I called her.
Crazy world.

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My heart kept beating for another day…

just kidding

No. It really did keep beating, but that’s a lame thing for a blessing. That’s
more like the absence of a beating. Well, I guess that’s a blessing in itself.

I watched some Anime tonight. It was crazy. I got to witness the power of love.

The world economy is going to shit and I have all my money tied up in foreign banks.
What was I thinking?

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I’m not very inpsired at 11 am after staying up all night. Why did I stay up all
night you ask? Well, I was up all night making deals. Big deals. The kind of deals
that change the course of the world. People like you can only be jealous of the kinds
of deals that I was making. On account of them being so big, you know.

big, big, bug.

I’m heading up to the bay area today to hang out with
Kenric and
Carlos.
Michael and
JavaJosh are going with me. We’re gonna
have a grand old time.

In case you’re worried, I will still be updating this page.

Some advice: Don’t cross an old lady. They can be dangerous.

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Cult Leader Day:
Today, I will talk about the Global Cult of iDallas (G-COID). iDallas has pet peeves,
and those things have been designated by the G-COID as deadly sins. Here they
are, in no particular order.

  • not signalling while driving
  • laughing at things that aren’t funny
  • talking about things that aren’t even worth doing
  • driving a yellow economy car
  • wasting my time
  • lying
  • being infectiously perky (not really, but I really want to not like those people…)
  • making fun of other people
  • not using your brain before you speak
  • not using your brain after you speak
  • eating meat without consideration

Cult Leader Day:
Today, I will talk about the Global Cult of iDallas (G-COID). iDallas likes
certain things, and those things have been designated by the G-COID as ways
to gain favor and possibly be accepted into the inner ring. Here they
are, in no particular order.

  • speaking your mind
  • listening to PJ Harvey
  • hosting a telethon
  • shaving places that most people don’t (yowza!)
  • owning squirt guns
  • robbing a bank with a squirtgun (not my bank, though)
  • buying, but not eating peeps
  • doodling
  • talking to yourself
  • motivating other people
  • Visiting the idallas.com website!
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Good Advice: Don’t anger people who like to be angry.

Something I think is amazing about the internet is the way it can turn one person
into a star almost overnight. jennicam.org
was recently brought to my attention again (it seems to pop up every now and then).
It’s credited as being the first webcam site, where a person hooks up a camera to the
internet and turns it towards (him|her)self and forgets about it. This girl has one
in her bedroom and her living room and… basically, people love her. No reason.
That’s just what it is.

Also, I was thinking about that email that went around awhile ago… it was credited
at the time with being an MIT graduation speech by Kurt Vonnegut
(a personal hero of mine). It turns out that it was written by some other woman
who wrote it as a column for some other publication (my memory of specifics leaves
something to be desired). If I was her, I would have been overjoyed that people
would have even believed it for a moment.
Now it’s also the words for some song I’ve heard on the
radio by Baz Luhrman. Some guy says the words
over music. It’s a cool song.

All I can say, is hold on, it’s only gonna get weirder.

Bad Advice: Don’t pay attention to what people tell you.

Don’t you hate it when you’re playing a game with someone and they get all
frustrated and decide that they don’t want to play anymore? If you’re lucky,
the loser will just slink away and go pout in the corner with the music on really
loud or something. If you’re not lucky, the gameboard or controller might get tossed
in the air, possibly throwing little game pieces all over the place, too. That’s
crummy.

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Bad Advice: Don’t pay attention to what people tell you.

Don’t you hate it when you’re playing a game with someone and they get all
frustrated and decide that they don’t want to play anymore? If you’re lucky,
the loser will just slink away and go pout in the corner with the music on really
loud or something. If you’re not lucky, the gameboard or controller might get tossed
in the air, possibly throwing little game pieces all over the place, too. That’s
crummy.

Good Advice: Don’t anger people who like to be angry.

Something I think is amazing about the internet is the way it can turn one person
into a star almost overnight. jennicam.org
was recently brought to my attention again (it seems to pop up every now and then).
It’s credited as being the first webcam site, where a person hooks up a camera to the
internet and turns it towards (him|her)self and forgets about it. This girl has one
in her bedroom and her living room and… basically, people love her. No reason.
That’s just what it is.

Also, I was thinking about that email that went around awhile ago… it was credited
at the time with being an MIT graduation speech by Kurt Vonnegut
(a personal hero of mine). It turns out that it was written by some other woman
who wrote it as a column for some other publication (my memory of specifics leaves
something to be desired). If I was her, I would have been overjoyed that people
would have even believed it for a moment.
Now it’s also the words for some song I’ve heard on the
radio by Baz Luhrman. Some guy says the words
over music. It’s a cool song.

All I can say, is hold on, it’s only gonna get weirder.

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It was my birthday today. Thanks for forgetting about it! Nah, I forgive you.
I went out to eat with some friends. It was nice. We went to a brewery/restaurant
place in Pasadena, a mostly boring place in the Los Angeles area known for nice
restaurants and bored cops.

I’m a ripe 23 years now. That might sound old to you, and it might sound
young to you, but to me it sounds just right.

Now I just have to figure out how to act my age…

Silly Song Day:
Beat me once! Beat me twice! Just beat me!
Beat me down! Beat me up! Just beat me!
(repeat until you’re really sick of it)

When I’m walking down the street
looking for some meat
I see them looking at me–hee.
(ow).

They don’t know my name,
despite all my fame
But they’re looking just the same–hame.
(ooh).

Beat me once! Beat me twice! Just beat me!
Beat me down! Beat me up! Just beat me!
(repeat until you’re really sick of it)

So I look ’em in the eye,
and I let out a war cry (aaahhh)
and they know I’m a bad boy–aye!
(ow).

And then the battle begins,
this war never ends
it’s the way of the night—
(the way of the night!).

Beat me once! Beat me twice! Just beat me!
Beat me down! Beat me up! Just beat me!
(repeat until you’re really sick of it)

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The soft sounds of the world outside my house that drift in as I sit at my desk
and churn away at some new thought or another are very special to me. I like to feel as
if I am in a physical community. That might be a simple unecessary desire, but it’s
there, and I’m glad for it.

Walking to some national submarine sandwich chain store yesterday, we passed by a couple
of homeless guys. They asked us for money. I replied with my usual, “Sorry, dude.”
and the guy started getting a bit belligerent. He’s one of those “I know you have some
money… C’mon, man, just one quarter” type of guys.

Sorry.”

“Well, buy me some food, then.”

geez

Do I owe you something? I am sorry you’re in a bad spot, but things aren’t all peachy
keen from my end, either. I don’t see you leading a very hectic life. I think you
probably have enough spare time to … oh, I dunno, attempt to get a job.
I know the homeless problem is not that simple, but I just can’t stand those people
that just give up. If you don’t try to help yourself, I sure as hell am not going
to try to help you.

lame-asses.

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Today, while I was filling up with gas, a little hispanic boy, probably about 11,
came up to me saying he was in some organization called Future Leaders of America
or something, and as one of those he said no to drugs and gangs and stuff. As
part of the activities of the organization, he was trying to sell some stuff to
get enough points or whatever to win a trip to Raging Waters (the water park
featured in Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure). That sounds cool, I thought.

“What are you selling?”

He quickly puts his white carrying box down and opens it up revealing a bunch of…
(how should I put it?) junk. He starts giving me the line on the candles, asking if I want
to smell them. I decline, and point to the big box of delicious gummy bears.

“How much for the gummy bears?”

“$6.”

“6 bucks? Woah…” I pause for a moment. “Ok. Give me the $6 gummy bears.”
It’s a pretty good cause, right? I’m helping out the little guy’s self confidence
and helping to keep the streets safe from thugs. That makes me feel good.

So I get in my car and drive off, my gas tank now full, and start opening the big box
of gummy bears. Inside I find a medium size bag of gummy bears, hardly filling a third
of the box. I pull out the bag, and it’s only half full.

I got jacked.

But I didn’t get jacked by the little boy. He’s trying to win a trip to Raging Waters.
I got jacked by the people who started the Future Leaders of America. They probably make
$5.50 profit on that $6 box of gummy bears. That’s pretty crummy, but on top of that
they make little kids do the footwork, and they reward them with something worth like
$30 (a trip to Raging Waters). I bet most of the kids work their butts off, and don’t
even get to go anywhere.

I’m so glad people like that exist in the world.

Good, old-fashioned ingenuity is what got America where it is today, and it’s what’s
gonna keep us here.
God bless us. Every one.

Today, I went to lunch with a bunch of people. The place we went to was sort of busy,
and it took awhile for us to get our food so we talked about a lot of things before it
got there. Our discussion went from Cliff Hangers (those matchbox car type things
that drove up the wall) to RC cars to real cars to war machines and on and on. We were
having a good ol’ time. And then someone brought up the Discovery Channel. They
talked about some show about the history of model trains. Apparently it was sort of
boring, but both of them watched it anyway. We also talked about the Great Pyramids
and all the crazy facts associated with them.

I sure am glad there are so many fun things to talk about, or I would have had to endure
one boring, long wait for my food.

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