tromping a la monde, i wait and watch for memories drifting on the glowing breeze. the smell of acid rain, coming down for days leaves me drooling like a madman and shouting about the horrors of nuclear power
thinking about what the future might hold, my mind keeps racing around and around a short loop. how am i to know?
i would like to be easygoing, but as time goes on i realize i’m really not. so i guess now i should just try to figure out just when and how im not easygoing and notice when one of those times might be happening so i can do what i can to prepare myself and everyone else.
i’ve been trying to figure out what it is i might most want from my life. at this point, i feel like i really don’t have any ideas at all. time keeps passing and i meet more people and learn about more things, but i don’t really have a feeling like its all connected together into some master method or whatever.
a friend of mine was trying to figure out what the code of his life should be the other day. it was really vexing him and others around him. i feel like i did a lot of thinking about that sort of thing in college, but maybe i didn’t really accomplish anything…
It does seem some days like the work never ends. And I suppose it doesn’t. It shouldn’t really. Once it feels like you don’t have anything to do, you’re probably wasting time. How you spend your time is your own choice, but you should at least choose something rather than just falling into whatever it is that comes along.
And on that note, I’m thinking about getting cable. There’s just not enough on television to make the TV I have worthwhile and buying lots of DVD’s as I have been doing is a drain on the finances!
If you have any thoughts on cable television, good or bad, let me know.
I’m most happy when I’m productive, or actually when I feel productive.
That goes along with the fact that feeling productive probably does make me more productive, so it’s this great circular thing. Sometimes, if I have a good week, I can ride the residual waves for several week after that. And likewise, a bad week can get me down for quite awhile. It’s hard to bounce back.
A big part of feeling productive for me is setting reasonable goals for myself and others. I have a bad habit of setting very high goals and then getting increasingly agitated when it appears those goals might not be met. Does that make me a workaholic?
Fa la la.
I’m tunneling my way through the ground beneath me. I’m hoping I might find my way through to the other side of the Earth, so I can prove all those flat-earthers wrong. Everyone needs a goal, right?
I’m very goal-oriented, but also feel constrained by too tight of a goal. A loose goal isn’t really much of a goal at all, though… It’s more of a hope or an ideal. Maybe I’m really just idealistic.
I went to my first full-on wedding this weekend. It was nice. Everyone was dressed up, drinking, and being nice to each other. There will be lots more weddings in my life before all is said and done, and I think this one was an ok way to start it all off.
I was just looking through an IKEA catalog, trying to find some space-efficient storage units for my office, when I stumbled into the ‘kids’ section. I decided I might as well look through it, and eventually I came to a teenager room setup. It showed a teenager sitting in his chair watching his TV on its little tv cart thing, and next to him was his metal wire shelves, with his stereo and turntables on top.
IKEA catalogs are now showing teenagers with turntables in their rooms. This is the same catalog that’s filled with iMacs and Powerbooks and lots of other trendy stuff.
If this doesn’t mean rave is dead, I don’t know what does. Not that I care about rave being dead or anything…
heartache and heartfelt.
So, then there was a lady,
and ever so shady was she.
And then there was a fellow,
and ever so shallow was he.
And the fellow saw the lady,
and the lady said, “hey there.”
and then the fellow fell falling to his knees.
And then she said, “Will you hurt me?”
And he said, “Of course.”
And she said, “Lovely.”
And he said, “Of course.”
Sorry I haven’t written for awhile. I’ve been distracted by a new force in my life. It’s stronger than any I have dealt with before. I believe (dare I say it?) this force may even rival the Purple Monkey. Only time will tell for sure.
This mysterious force is a girl, and you can email me if you want to know her name. Saying her name out loud can cause major ripples in the force, and I’m not prepared to deal with that at the moment.
I have also been a little sick. Not too bad, though. I did break down and take some medicine one day, but that’s all, and I stayed home from work for only a few hours and came in for a half-day in the afternoon.
I am all better now, though, and life is humming along. Thank you all for your attention and feedback. Stay tuned for lots and lots of lovely wonders in coming weeks.
I went to Radio Shack today to get a couple of miniplug to rca cables and maybe some miniplug cable extendors, too.
But the RadioShack I went to didn’t have much of anything useful. It just had a bunch of gold-plated, crappy sort of home theater cables. And all their home theater stuff is pretty much cheap crap, too. They have some ok, stuff, but geez. I just wanted a couple of basic cables, and they didn’t have it.
So, that’s the worst thing that happened to me today. What a lucky guy I am!
A blessing in disguise. That’s what I need. Maybe that’s why I’m going to have another masquerade ball. I need to get rolling on that.
There’s a pain in my head. It’s not really a physical pain, but just some sort of feeling I can quite feel. It’s keeping me from doing the things I feel I need to do, and that’s just adding to the so-called pain. I can’t sleep because I slept 12 hours last night, but I am too tired to do anything else, really. I have been dreaming about girls lately. Different girls. Girls I used to knew. Girls I would like to know. Girls I have never known and will never know. It all comes back to the same thing, I suppose.
And it’s all about a touch or a kiss. Something that seems so simple when you do it, but that somehow manages to stay with you forever. It’s too bad I can’t appreciate it for how special it is when it’s happening, you know?
Perfect. Nothing is.
Nothing will be. Nothing should be.
Trust, faith, whining memories. Draperies hiding the truth. Sadness welling up in my eyes. Crayons drawing nothing on butcher paper. Chopped up animals hanging on hooks and I can’t care.
Dying willows and barking dogs with nothing to eat.
There is more to this than that. There is more. There must be. I have a feeling about something absurd. Why do my feelings come out so erratically?
I would like to cry right now. It seems that might help. I will not feel this way in the morning. I cannot allow myself to sleep for so long tonight. I won’t. I need to be excited again. It happens, sometimes.
Drain. Drudge. Heavy.
hear the hum.
Tropical is next weekend. We met people at the last Tropical.
It’s all about the house music vibes. Feel the vibe. Ahahaa…
“I was born a little too late to see the dream that they called America.”
That line put so many thoughts into my head. It’s from the album called “Choice of a New Generation”. Funny. I just rediscovered it after a couple of years of not listening to it, and I am realizing that I really missed it.
I’ve been listening to a lot of pop punk lately, actually. It keeps me energized.
One summer several years ago, I didn’t sleep very much, and I’m not even sure I ate that much, and somehow I managed to totally change my life, with the help of some friends.
I still wear the Fifteen shirt I have. It has paint on it from that summer when we were painting the walls of a place we had called the Minot Collective Cultural Center.
If it wasn’t for that place and those people, I think my life would be entirely different now. They showed me that I could do whatever I wanted however I wanted and I didn’t have to listen to anybody if I didn’t want to.
Of course, it’s still always a good idea to listen to people with good ideas. It really is pretty hard to figure out exactly who those people are, though.
I’ve actually been having trouble thinking of things I genuinely want to complain about lately. I could complain about the cleaning crew we have leaving as much of a mess as they cleaned up. Or I could complain about people leaving a mess in the snack area, or about the smell of smoke in the pool room. Yep. I could.
I don’t seem to want to, though.
OH! I DO want to complain about the MIDI problems I’ve been having. What an annoyance. It just keeps getting worse, too. Frick frack.
I’ll still churn out the best GD track the world has ever seen, though! Ahaha. Yep. At least one that might get a few people moving anyway. We’ll see. Luck be with me!
lots of laughing. Lots. Way more than you can ever imagine.
Coming from all around you. Everywhere. Nooks, and crannies, and grannies on the street. Everyone.
Unescapeable. And you try to join in. But you can’t. Because you’re not sure what’s so funny. But you want to be sure. You want that. Freedom. Or not.
When I hear about deep life sorts of things, it makes me feel a little selfish and small-minded. I spend so much of my time worrying about stupid little things that keep the world from being perfect, and I forget to notice how wonderful it is.
Us stupid spoiled Americans and our whiny-ass ways.
I don’t seem to have as much to be angry about as I used to. I guess I get angry about little internal office politics sort of things. I get angry about people being lazy and unmotivated and trying to push work onto other people. That’s lame. But I don’t really get upset about world events (since those get really depressing really fast and I just ignore them whenever I can). I have a pretty good life. I think maybe I need to start churning up more of that anger again. I’m getting soft. Soft in the head and soft in the belly.
I was just reading through some of the stuff I was writing 2 years ago. I just don’t write anything like that stuff anymore. I think I’m possibly a bit more focused now. It shows, for sure. I’d like to be more open with my random feelings or something…
But I guess, too, that I’ll probably say the same thing about some of the stuff I’m writing now when I look back at it.
My whole life will just be a slow crawl into becoming everything I’ve ever wondered about.
I’m still having trouble keeping my focus. I’m interested in a million different things around me all the time. That’s good, but sometimes maybe I’m not really so interested as I might think… maybe I’m just looking for something to distract myself with because I’m having trouble committing to actually finishing anything…
I am starting to feel a bit of a reluctance to really commit something… I guess I’m still young, but it seems to be increasing a bit. I’m less sure of myself all the time.
Breakbeat Era was lots and lots of crazy fun. They’re one of the most exciting musical projects out today. The mixture of hard-edged drum n bass with very accessible and groovy funk basslines and vocals makes them a one of a kind.
Without a doubt, check it out.
I also went to the Coachella Music Festival this weekend… Lots of great innovative bands. Tool stole the show for me. Even though I’ve seen them 4 times now, they never cease to amaze. I hope they never get stale. How depressing that would be!
The sequence of notes on the screen.
That’ll start to become an integral part of my life for awhile, I think.
Weird to think.
I’ve been avoiding using the computer for too much music stuff… I use computers for everything… but now I am starting to see why oh why people like it so. Everything is easier on a computer. Even when they suck suck suck the life right out through your frantic fingertips.
I did a new Special Sauce the other day. I forgot to mention it earlier.
Go check it out. It’s some sort of an excuse/apology for the flippant content I’ve been putting out lately. I’ve had a lot on my mind, I think.
I suppose I always have a lot on my mind, but lately, I’ve been struggling with some new territory. I’m starting to really put some thought into figuring out how to build a workable large-scale community situation that can interact with the world as a whole, but still internally can function outside of the normally accepted boundaries.
I believe it is possible, and I am not the only person thinking about this sort of thing. Now, I must just figure out how I might caress a group of people into agreeing with me.
I am white.
And I am not proud.
I want to be every color of the rainbow, but not white.
I want to be yellow, and have an appreciation for the sun.
I want to be blue, and dive deep into the sea.
I want to be red, and feel the heat of the fire within.
I want to be green, and eat grass and love it!
I am glad to have people around me offering their support and guidance. I really do look up to a lot of the people I know. They manage to figure out so many things that I just can’t bring myself to think about.
I have such a tender heart and a tender mind. I don’t want to have to think too many hard thoughts. I know I’ll have to deal with a lot of things in my lifetime, but I have patience… I want to be prepared. I guess I’m scared.
I’m a baby.
crying softly to myself and then screaming and then crying some more…
Most of the time lately, I’ve been trying to just keep things to myself, though, because I’m starting to worry that I’m just wasting everyone’s time. I’m not really making anything better… so I might as well just not worry and do what I need to do to let myself forget all the bad and embrace the rhythms and the melodies and the rhymes.
The longer I live, the longer I want to live. I used to want to live a long time so I might have some chance to make a change for the good. I have this notion that I have some clue what’s wrong with the world around me.
What I have come to realize, though, is that I really am powerless to fix things to be the way I might like them to be. They are this way for a reason. Everything is locked. For every good, there is a bad and all that.
Now, the mission is to try to come to terms with the way things are. I am still oh so young and oh so unable to really take it all in and deal with it. I don’t want to be hard before I’m ready. I don’t want to hold my hard face all of the time… I really don’t. I already do it most of the time, and there is oh so much more to see.
I really wonder if I will be able to continue on such an open track. I’m trying not to crawl up into a defensive ball… I want to take it all in… everything I can. But, I also want to maintain some sort of connection with the child spirit within me… I hope I can do that.
Some parts of the world are so complicated still. I was shopping for insurance today… commercial liability insurance. It takes so much time to look through the phone book and call people up and give them the information they need… and then they have to look for good rates and get a quote together and then you have to look at the quotes.
I wish more stuff was online. Interacting with people is so inefficient!
kids are cool.
They talk cooler than adults.
They dress cooler than adults.
They think cooler than adults.
They are still young enough to quit smoking and still live a long time.
They are still young enough to make big mistakes and still have an
Kids are great.
I just wish they could be as wonderful and innocent as they are and still sort of have some greater view of things at the same time.
I guess the idea is for everyone to try to retain the best parts of being a kid as you grow up. Don’t let those little kid-things slip away just because you have to deal with frustrating situations all the time. Hold on to your inner-kid.
Why don’t people pay more attention to each other? You can learn a lot from other people. I’ve pretty much learned everything I know from paying careful attention to the problems of other people and the solutions they came up with.
Wisdom is not magic. Wisdom is all around you, happening all the time.
All you have to do is pay attention and take note.
I was thinking today that the world might not be ready for me. My ideas might actually be dangerous. They might lead to mass hysteria and mental instability. Neither of those things is much good for a large group of people. Hysterical crazy people tend to be quite difficult to control. They just tend to do what amounts to randomness. They’re an amosity in the eyes of god and should probably be destroyed as quickly and efficiently as possible.
But, only if we can do it during the commercials. We can’t miss a single second of my favorite show!
Tonight’s Ally McBeel was a re-run that I hadn’t seen before. It was about a 3-person marriage. One man and two women. It was mostly positive on the subject, but then at the last minute sort of changed its mind.
I can understand why a big popular show like that (or one that wants to be popular) would make some effort to comdemn such behavior (polygamy), but the fact that it brought it up at all is pretty cool.
We consider ourselves enlightened, and we do command quite an arsenal of techical knowledge, but we don’t have any idea who we are or what we’re about.
I got my new computer last night. Yay. It’s a PC. Weird. I put BeOS on it. It works great, but the applications for BeOS R4 haven’t started coming out yet… they will in the next couple of weeks, though.
I’ve been coming up with some really great things to talk about when I send out the next G-COID message. If I can remember them.
Life is still cruising by. Christmas is approaching. I want to get my parents some really nice things. Things they actually want. There’s this weird game we play in my family where everyone sort of pretends that the Christmas gifts they get don’t really make them happy or anything. I’d like to give them something that will break through that whole game and bring a real smile to their faces.
Now, I’m in the midst of computer upgrade decision turmoil. What option is the best? What will make me the happiest with the smallest financial hardship? There are some cheaper things that would make me happy, but for how long?
Having money only makes you want more!
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Put your email address in this box and devote! (hit return)…
…and our water was fixed today. A couple of persistent drips had turned into indoor water sculpture. It was nice for when we had company over, but the constant sound of running water got old…
It took a long time for us to call the owners about the problem, but they fixed it pretty quick once I called them. That’s a dramatic departure from our previous repair requests… That’s a good thing.
Something that’s distressing me today (besides the sparse, unfocused nature of today’s update) is how hard it is to get to that point with someone where you can just kiss them all the time and not feel weird about it. There are so many steps before that, and the steps are all different for all people, and there’s no standards or anything so you have to play these sort of get-to-know-each-other games to also try to figure out if it’s even worth it…
I don’t know. I guess you probably get better at it.
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Put your email address in this box and devote! (hit return)…
I had an odd experience today. I went to Fry’s yet again. This time I was picking up a new network card, another hub, and some more cable (to stretch across the house). Fun for the whole family. Ok. So… right after I exit the freeway, I see a sign saying UNITY with an arrow pointing in the direction of Fry’s. That’s cool, I think… and then I notice another sign saying RAGE pointing in the same direction. Weird, but whatever.
Then, while I was waiting in line to return the old network card I had bought (it was sucky), I overheard one of the dorks in the line next to me voicing his problems to the employee. I call him a dork because pretty much all people at Fry’s are dorks in some way or another. Anyway, he seemed to be saying that he had bought something at Fry’s and then paid to have it installed, and then it didn’t do what he wanted or something… and then he was mad because he couldn’t get that installation money back… what I wanted to know is how he could feel comfortable with himself actually admitting in public that he had paid to have something installed… c’mon, act like a dork!
Also, I later overheard some guy ask one of the sales people for a modem… he said he was going to be “downloading and stuff like that” … hmmm, technical guy I guess.
Also, I wondered to myself why almost everyone who works at Fry’s has an accent… what’s up with that?
We had a great BBQ at our house yesterday! A really good group of people came
over to drink some beer, cook up some food, and have a grand ol’ time. It
was a lot of fun. BBQ’s are nice because you get all the leftovers, too. People
bring over stuff and then don’t eat it and they leave it with you! Wha-hoo!
I was still tired from Saturday night’s party, but it was a good end to the weekend.
I rolled out of bed just in time to greet the first guests, sans shower. It’s good
to be young and free!
I missed some more days…
I think I am going to change the format of this to not be daily anymore. I would rather
spend more time on some slightly longer updates that occur 3 times a week or so…
I might have 3 weekly updated sections…
Anyway. I had a crazy weekend. Planet 9 had
a party. It was absolutely insane… right up until it got busted at 3:15 am (it was
supposed to go until 5am). And then everything was sort of ok still until I couldn’t
find my record bag. Some fucker took them. Some people are such disrespectful fuckheads.
Anyway, it’ll probably take me several months to build up a set of records I’m happy
with again. It’s almost enough to make a person give up, but it’s too late for that.
I’m in it for the long haul.
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I’m getting frustrated. I have a lot of random computer equipment all around
my house and some of it can talk to some of it, but I can’t get the right pieces
to talk to each other. Oh well. You probably have to be here. It’s making me not
funny. You’ll have to look elsewhere for your daily giggle today.