iDallas!

There will soon be more people working and thriving around me. That will really help motivate me and help me see the good things that are going on around me…

I know that some of the things I have helped create are good things, but I want so so much more. I wonder if I just want things for the sake of wanting. I know that is probably the case.

But how do I break out of something like that? I guess I will just think it through like I have always done, but that is such a difficult process. Why do I find life so terribly painful? I try to avoid things I consider to be “real life” as much as I can… I try to set things up in new and different ways all the time so I don’t start to feel like I’m just doing things like everyone else.

I have a morbid fear that if I follow in someone else’s footsteps, I will end up making the same mistakes that every other person has up to now.

I know there must be some mistakes that every person has made, because I know there are some things that are wrong.

Life is so hard… everyone wants things and everyone wants to be with certain people, and unfortunately those things don’t always all work out… you have to make some sacrifices. I feel like I really want to put my own personal goals as very high priorities, but I’m starting to wonder if I can really make it without some more significant emotional support in my life…

It’s a compromise of sorts… an adult relationship is a very complex thing… if you look at it analytically. What it really comes down to is that analyzes every little thing will never ever lead to happiness. Never.

Science is not about being happy. Science is not about being anything really. Art’s not really about being happy, either, but happy is in there. Who wants to be happy all the time, anyway?

I don’t… that’s for sure… but I would like to be happy once in awhile.

We always end up in arguments. We’re getting better about it, though. We’re starting to discuss that issue itself. It’s a thing.

There’s a lot of things. That’s something I’ve come to realize. I’m not sure I’ll ever understand all of the things that go on. In fact, I’m pretty sure I won’t.

I’ve started keeping a paper journal. I don’t know why… it just happened. I’ve been neglecting this one as a result. I’ve been writing about things that I hide from all of you. Maybe I’ll get brave and let some of them out. I’ve been dealing with some of my more tender issues lately.

I do have tender issues. Yes, I do.

People are unreliable and fickle and they don’t do what you tell them and they don’t do what you’d like them to do.

I guess that’s what makes life interesting, and the extra little things that happen as a result of the inconsistency of life is what makes the world go around.

Hmmm. These posts have slipped a day behind somehow… don’t worry, I’ll catch up.

So, I noticed while I was in the store shopping for dishsoap that Proctor & Gamble, the
evillest capitalist fuckers around, make like every single brand of dishsoap, laundry
detergent and all that sort of stuff. Well, they don’t make every single brand, but
they make more than anybody else, and more than half of them in a lot of cases. That’s
creepy. They make Tide, Era, Cheer, and All. All four of those! I stay away from
them because they test on animals and they are fuckers. Fuckers. Anyway, then today
while I was in the bathroom, it occurred to me that my charmin toilet paper was
probably made by them, too… they like product names like that… so I looked
on the back, and sure enough it says Proctor & Gamble! fuckers.

My rhododenrons are doing ok. I need to water them more. It’s actually a very nice sort of flower. I didn’t know much about them until Margo bought me one. I’m not sure I’d go so far as to say it’s my favorite flower yet, but it is the only real flower I have in my office. That’s something.

In case you were wondering.