I want to give up.
I can’t go on like this. I want to drop everything and run and hide. I don’t care why or how. I just don’t want to be here right now thinking about this.

And where can I go? I’m stuck. Can I walk outside? Sure, I could, but where would I go? Everywhere I go, it chases me. My captor. My enemy. My love.

Can I run away? I’ve done it before and things ended up ok. I want to cry. Haha. There’s no good reason, though. And I’d probably regret it. Ho ho.

I want to make more music. One day a week isn’t enough.

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karaoke cockatiels
spewing forth fame and flame
hoping I’ll notice, but I’m hopelessly drained.

terrorizing templates of faith and desire
reminding me to mind my member and remember my mind

captive audience in me

in a lovely moment
spinning around laughable characters
and dreaming of the first sunshine day in north dakota.

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hurricanes are humming through my head, and all they can say is, ‘go to bed.’

An elephant is stomping on the rooftops above and shouting at me to turn down my music.

The power company is crying out for more attention and the world just doesn’t care. There’s nothing we need any more than air.

The flickering fire behind the window shade shows our soldier where home used to be, but when he enters he feels cold and alone.

An ant attracts me by its sense of duty, but then I kick down its hill and watch it comrades flee.

I am your enemy, wrapped in three layers of envy.

the degenerating state of the being known as mass will conduct the meeting tonight. We will decide what to do about this and about that while we watch the willows blow to and fro. They sing like a hymn, swish swish swoon and the young pale girl whispers my name out loud in the rain.

Hello. And thank you for caring.

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I sat on the subway with a seat open beside me for about 6 or 7 minutes through 2 stops, and no one sat next to me. No one at all. I suppose I never really sit next to anyone very often either. But, for some reason, today I noticed this.

Sitting in an uncomfortable, watching traffic go by out the window, I’d light a cigarette, but I don’t smoke. Ha.
Alone without a vice.

I look over my shoulder at the old, used typewriter I picked up at the pawn shop for a few five dollar bills. That machine will be the vessel that takes me around the world, and off to the stars. I know that deep down, but somehow I can’t seem to bring myself to use it. I can hardly even walk up to it. It sits on its royal position on my wooden desk and watches me as I pace across the 10 foot expanse of this hotel room. It watches me as I pause every time I pass the window. It knows I am trying to avoid eye contact with it more than anything.
It knows.

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No matter who wins this election, nobody’s going to be able to take the results seriously. The fact that this whole thing has been dragged out to such a degree is an indication of how whiny Americans really can be. Whatever, though. That’s a perogative you have in a free country like ours. Ahaha.

I dreamed of a girl I used to know the other night. We were friends, but not that close. In the dream, we were suddenly close. We were walking around arm in arm and being cozy. I woke up in a good mood as a result. I’m not sure why that particular girl ended up as the main character. She had been in one dream before too, I believe. Strange.

For some reason, I’m not sure she is really representing herself in the dreams. If she is, then I probably should have spent more time trying to get to know her when I saw her on a regular basis. I guess that teaches me a bit of a lesson.

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I stand here with my wet dog, shaking my ass at the passing cars. Haha. What a sight they must think of me. Yeah.

And so I take my shaking butt and my wet dog and together I and my dog, we visit the naked woman with the gigantic ears and the even more gigantic breasts and we lay ourselves down in her hairy lap and she lets her ears droop down over us, and the dog, still wet, laps at the hanging lobes.

She loves that so. The dog and the woman both. And boy oh boy, I love anything my dog loves.

I have been feeling the weight of wanting love and loving lately. That old thing. Again. But, many times I have come to the conclusion that there really isn’t anything else worth thinking about. When it comes down to it, there really isn’t anything much else at all.

I guess there is always thinking. And thinking about thinking. And humming. And thinking about humming. And thinking about loving. And humming about thinking about loving. Hummm.

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fly away
into space
aeon flux

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All might be lost.
And if that’s the case, there’s nothing more to lose!
We might as well be happy and free like birds.
Except birds are mostly sort of dumb, it seems.

Ok, well not birds, then. Fish! Fish are nice.
We’ll be happy and free like fish.
Except fish are stuck under the water. That’d be cool for awhile (anybody ever watch that cartoon, “The Snorks”?), but I’d want to see my mom eventually, I bet. Ok, no fish, either then.

Well, let’s just be happy and free like naked humans with nothing to do! Like all the other animals!

Is the Internet a collection of the most depressed people around? I think it might be.

But there’s multiple ways to interpret that. Is the Internet making people depressed? Or is it serving as a safe haven of sorts to people who are already depressed? Or both, perhaps? Or am I maybe just coming into contact with the parts of the Internet that are depressed? Or am I maybe just depressed and projecting that onto other people I encounter?

I think there are a lot of depressed people in the world. I don’t think I am one of them. I think sometimes maybe I should be and I am repressing it.

Either way. Communication does not lead to happiness anymore than money does.

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Jason’s birthday! yay!

here’s an ode to Jason:

tall and skinny
drooling and giggling
rolling down the stairs
and laughing all the way.

that’s just like him!

dripping juices,
sliding down the dusty window,
murky residue remaining.

erect paper flowers,
blowing in the brisk breeze,
never forgetting.

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Logic. Logistics.
Statistics. Smiles.
Count it up.

Write it down. Remember forever the paths we’ve burnt down, the trails we’ve misled and misread.

Ahaha. Yeah. Don’t forget.
We can’t let this happen again.

a pondering, perhaps.
ahaha. Maybe not. Maybe just a flower,
or a bird, or a wild runaway tired old man,
with a hankering for potatoes and tomatoes.

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I had written a good start to a GCOID posting the other day when some random act of computer god made it not occur. Fuck a duck.

Oh well. That’s my excuse.

And here’s an impromptu poem. Hope you love it!

my sock
don’t rock the boat

the water
don’t drink the milk

the boat
don’t sink the shrink

the ball
don’t dunk the donut

the blues
don’t sing your praise

the music
don’t free the animals

Well… it’s more random gibberish than a poem, but you probably didn’t notice anyway. haha.

It’s snowing today, here in Ohio. Just in time to welcome me in! It’s just a light sprinkle, but there’s something so delicate about snow that just can’t be matched by anything in industrial LA.

I’ve watched more TV in the past 12 hours than I had in the past 3 months. There’s still nothing on, and MTV is even worse.

Oh well. I slept pretty well last night, and I don’t have a lot to do for a few days. Maybe I’ll do something wonderful and interesting!

The commercials on daytime TV are so brainless. I guess they figure people watching at that time are used to it? On top of that, they’re mostly for health products… I guess maybe the only people at home watching TV during the day are old or sick?

Where does that put me?

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The actors on the scene are not the only players around. They are the ones that decide who takes which roles, but they are not the ones who decide who is offered which roles. The producers are involved as well. They decide what combination of actors will be entertaining to the public this time around.

dangling eyelashes
openinq and closing
trapping my gaze
and sealing my fate

i will sit alone
and ponder
those tender teardrops
dripping deliberately to earth

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It’s sort of weird how people end up being so spread out as they grow up. When you’re little, you just make friends with whoever’s nearby, but when you get old, you try to hold onto friends as long as you can… regardless of how difficult it is. It’s a nice effort, but… if we all want to spend so much time together, why do we spend so much time trying to figure out where we want to be? We should just want to be wherever our loved ones are. That’s really where heaven on earth is, anyway.

I saw a car driving in front of me the other day with a sticker on the back that said “Peace.” It was nice… I liked it. But then I noticed that the same car also had a Nike swoosh sticker up towards the top of the rear window.


I like the swoosh as much as the next guy, but why would you want to put it on your car? And how could the same person put both of the stickers on the same car at the same time, and mean it?

There’s been a flurry of mental activity around here lately. Stuff’s getting down at a very nice pace. I’m starting to fill some of the weight lifted from my shoulders. Sometimes, it feels like things are never going to get easier… and then other times it just seems like things might be easier than they ever have before. I do everything I do because I want to… I feel like I have to, but it doesn’t really hurt anyone but myself to not do it. Nobody nags me about it or anything… I guess my reputation suffers a bit, but that can happen to anyone.

And who needs a reputation so bad, anyway?

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I am a snob. I like to come up with ideas and pretend I am sharing, but how can I really be sharing ideas unless you have a way to share, too?

You could just send me email… but I could just throw it away… and that’s probably what I’d do … ahaggghaha.

I did a Special Sauce. Whoo!

I have faith in myself. I try to anyway. I am the power that’s keeping the lamp beside me turned on late into the night so I can think to myself and come up with the strange-o-rama things to say. And do you think to yourself why you keep coming back here? I know I might say something quite catching every other time or two, but mostly I don’t say much at all really.

I just sort of beat around a very interesting bush. And I guess maybe you think I might figure out something a little more interesting about the bush by being near it… And perhaps I suppose that might be so.

I think mostly you are just liking the fact that you end up coming up with other new and interesting thoughts about the bush on your own. You should email me those thoughts, so I can have them, too! Don’t be a thought hog!

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a pile of rubble
is sitting on my head.
it sort of hurts, but I can move a little
to get a better position.
and that helps.

I’m currently trying to poke out one
of the rocks with my tongue, so I can get
a sweet taste of real, fresh air.

Cosmo Brown and Konkrete Jungle last night!
It was fun.
I came home and made a beat that I think I still like today… though it’s slower than I remember.

I’m getting to this point where I just have to put some stuff up on this site for you all to take a gander at… Then I’ll have to deal with comments, I guess.


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Poke your finger in my eye, and then roll it around until I start to giggle… and then stick another finger in my nose… and push it up and up until you can feel the squish squish squash of my brain.
And then take out the first finger, quite foribly, so as to remove my eye, and then wiggle around that second finger until my brain starts to seep out of my nose, and then make me open my mouth and suck my dripping brains down into my throat so I can choke on it.

will that make you happy?

Rabbits go hop hop hoppitty.
And I care.
Birds go tweet tweet twippity.
And I care.
Friends go giggle giggle gaffaffity.
And I care.

And that’s what makes me happy.

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I can drown my sorrows in my head by turning up the music and shooting down the avenue.

I can watch the pretty girls go by and even hope I might catch a glimpse of a smile before I zip away.

I can sit and think while the sun goes down and then up again, and I can praise heaven that I can do that again the next day.

And all of this is true because I believe in hope. I believe that it really is possible for things to get better.

I have an aversion to the “real world” overall, and I tend to want to ball up when real issues come up. I know not everyone is like me, and I really do prefer it that way, but sometimes I really wonder why things can’t be simpler. I wonder why we can’t all just look for the things in life that make us happy and then go with those things. I wonder why friends and family really aren’t the most important thing overall…. or maybe just why so many people seem to forget that they really are.

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We had a nice internet broadcast session last night! 3 hours of mad DJ action. It went pretty well. We’ve got some of it recorded, so we can put it up for listening. That’ll be nice. I’ll get to that eventually.

We’re gearing up to do some more. I’d like to get a full-on weekly show going. I hope I have the time to make it something cool. I’m expecting that other people around will be up for helping out with it.

The show we did last night was for somebody else… we’ll probably continue to do that one monthly even if we don’t manage to launch one of our own.

I’ve been tired lately.
I haven’t been that into what I’m doing. It’s a hard life I have, I guess. I mean, it’s not really that hard, but I always take on more projects than I can possibly manage to get done… I need that choking feeling to feel like I’m accomplishing anything. I’ve mentioned this before, too, I guess.

I dunno. Sometimes, I just want to quit doing what I’m doing the way I’m doing it and just go to the beach and float in the water until some kind soul comes by and lifts me up and gives me a slap on the face and tells me what’s what.

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I want everyone to do their thing.
And I want everyone to have everything they need.
And I want to give whatever I can to help…

But some people just don’t respect what they have available to them. Some people just think everything’s going to go well no matter what we do. That might be true, but assuming so seems a little risky to me.

Ministry at the Palladium was a bit of an experience. I decided to make it a little more lively by adding a couple of six and a half dollar long island ice teas into the mix. The floor wasn’t as aggressive as it was for Tool at the Palladium, but it was still a nice mixture of sweat and bellowing men and women. Good show!

I haven’t really enjoyed much of Ministry’s more recent music, but it was still interesting to hear them put their hearts and souls into what they were doing. That’s what all professional musicians do, right? That’s why everyone wants to be one?
Anyway, even their old stuff sort of sounded like their new stuff… all grindy and bass-heavy with Al screeching over the top.

Overall, good show!
I came back bleeding from the chin, with a sore ear and a sweat-drenched shirt.

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I fiddled with a dumb emagic sound card for many hours yesterday and today and eventually decided that something is goofy with it… I don’t know if it’s broken or if it just sucks, but it’s really noisy. I’m glad I figured it out, but I wish it hadn’t taken me 10 or so hours of tinkering to arrive at that conclusion.

I could have been making music all that time!
And now I’m going to take it back and spend more money to get the thing I should have gotten in the first place! Argh.

I went to Siggraph today and looked at lots of neato computer video editing, computer graphics, and just general nifty cool things. I saw a new BeOS demo and some neato new software coming out for Be… including the unreleased Bryce 4! Woo!

It was sorta fun… and I got away from the office for a bit. The office is pretty busy sometimes. I need to get motivated and do something now that I’ve taken a break, though!

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I like to be in a group of people… I like to feel like I’m a part of something.

I like to… but it’s sort of depressing sometimes, too. I see the people around me, and I think they will have something to offer me emotionally… I think I might be able to get something out of associating with them… but then they turn out to be just another bunch of idiots.

It’s easy for me to just assume they are idiots and not get to know them… sure, that’s easy. But I believe that I really would like to get to know them sometimes…. I believe I might. But then, I just don’t.

Some people really are idiots, right?
And it’s not their fault for following the norm, is it? Isn’t that just what you’re supposed to do?

There is youth all around me, and that keeps me hopeful that maybe things will change one day. Youth is not known for its wisdom, however. We all have a lot to learn. There is a lot to know about the world and about each other.

We struggle just to solve simple social situations… it seems sometimes that any hope of peace among all peoples is a ridiculous waste of time. We can’t even all get along in a small group with so much in common. Maybe we’re just too close already.

Maybe we just care too much…

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Why is it that it’s no big deal to see a woman naked? I guess that’s sort of obvious, right? Something about desensitization?

But why is it that most men can’t stand to see an “ugly” woman naked? Or more to the point… why can’t men admit that they are not actually disgusted by the sight of an ugly woman naked? It’s not really that disgusting, is it? It’s just another person with no clothing. You don’t have to feel sexually attracted to every naked person you see…

Do you really have to make a big deal out of it and act like the man in front of the boys?

Can you not just look away? Why do you have to make a comment?

We hired a stripper for a small birthday party today.

It was sort of surreal… she looked like the “hot” girls you see in tv shows and movies… attractive, busty, curvey… all that.

She rubbed all over Simon. It was fun to watch his reaction, but it wasn’t really especially erotic…

Fun for the whole family.

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Life is so hard… everyone wants things and everyone wants to be with certain people, and unfortunately those things don’t always all work out… you have to make some sacrifices. I feel like I really want to put my own personal goals as very high priorities, but I’m starting to wonder if I can really make it without some more significant emotional support in my life…

It’s a compromise of sorts… an adult relationship is a very complex thing… if you look at it analytically. What it really comes down to is that analyzes every little thing will never ever lead to happiness. Never.

Science is not about being happy. Science is not about being anything really. Art’s not really about being happy, either, but happy is in there. Who wants to be happy all the time, anyway?

I don’t… that’s for sure… but I would like to be happy once in awhile.

Oh my gosh! We have DSL at the new office building. We have a fast network connection… we can actually maybe get some real work done!

Also, I’m reasonably happy. The new environment has really perked me up quite a bit. I have a nice view of a lot of city stuff… lots of warehouses and stuff.

Also, I bought a new mixer. I’m gonna play records like there’s no tomorrow now. I do hope there really is a tomorrow, though.

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People are unreliable and fickle and they don’t do what you tell them and they don’t do what you’d like them to do.

I guess that’s what makes life interesting, and the extra little things that happen as a result of the inconsistency of life is what makes the world go around.

We might actually have DSL this month!
Whoo! Once that happens, we’ll be able to start doing real internet stuff again. That’ll be nice.

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I got out and about today.
I bought some nice solid colored clothing.

I was also up all day, during the day, while the sun was out… and I even went outside for quite a lot of it. Well… I was in my car anyway.

Fun club stuff last night. Drum n bass all in your face and down your spine and into your toes.

Today was a weird day.
It was nice and sunny, and I went to Santa Monica after shopping for some normal clothes. The shopping was pretty easy and I got some much needed clothing.
Santa Monica was all hectic because somebody was standing on the tippy top of a tall parking garage and threatening to jump… they closed a major street for like 4 hours or something. That made things more crazy than normal.

While all that was going on, I went on a wild goose chase and ended up the same as I started. When I came back, a weird fog had rolled in. Creepy.

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progress is good.
work is good.

The lease for our new building should be ready tomorrow.
How weird.
We are going to have a building to ourselves to use for what we want.

A building.

Much more than a house.
And I think we can make it cozy, too.
I think we can.
And we will.

And we will all rejoice.
Things are going to work out.

We are all going to have so much fun.

Can I see the light at the end of the tunnel? I don’t know. I have grown tired of even looking. When there is nothing to see, that can happen pretty easilly.

I am feeling weary, but I am as close to happy as I have been in a very long time.
The people around me are so wonderful. They are the only light I will ever need. Don’t abandon me. Don’t please.

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Sage and I went to LinuxWorld and saw lots of dorky stuff. It was fun. It was in San Jose, which is sort of a boring town, I think.

We saw Linus Torvalds (the guy who invented and continues to be a primary developer for the Linux operating system) talk about some world issues. That was interesting.

I’m out of wisdom at the moment. Sorry.

People don’t get along and it causes major situations to develop. We are still so basic. We can’t even let really insignificant things like our own pride go. Little personal ego battles cause so many problems. Geez.

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It’s hard to make any group of people with any real size agree on anything all the way.

People will always have their little issues. Some people just have to have their opinions heard, no matter how relavant (or not) they might be. Some people.

But without those people, nothing would happen at all. Funny that.

I called the girl and left a message.
I had the wrong area code. Silly me.
Now I guess I am waiting for a response.
I am hopeful, but I’m not dwelling on it.

I spent the last couple of evenings drumming and playing records and having a grand old time. Hopefully, I will be able to get some work done, too, this week.

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I wake up in the middle of the night and go to the bathroom to cough up some sludge from my lungs into the sink. I have weak lungs. Poor me. And the sky is full of atmospheric disease. And poor me.

My family has not been selected to receive free masks to protect us from the smog. And we can’t afford them, either.

But, I go back to bed anyway, and on to my fragmented dreams… shattered again a few hours later by another bout of coughing.

the mist clears so the sun can poke its yellow head through to say hello.

at least that’s what I want to happen.
there has been a terrible dense cloud of smog hanging over my town for awhile now. It’s one of the worst ever.
But it’ll clear up eventually, and we’ll be able to stop wearing these masks.

at least they don’t make us buy them… they hand them out to everyone. I suppose it’s the least they could do.

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beat down
beat up … on.

beat inside out.
and around and ever down.

be proud, and be mad.
and be the be you know you can be.

hold your own and
own your mind.

and never stop looking
until you find.

simple. brilliant.

deep within
down inside
you never know
what you might find.

when you look
into your mind.

beat bips
beat bops.

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So. Car salesman are wiley. And they want to try to trick you into buying the car while you’re still in that happy, idealistic mood that drew you into the car dealer in the first place. They don’t want you to have any time at all to think about it. Nope nope nope. They want to keep you off-guard, because in that state your mind and your money are not very closely linked.

But I tricked them! I had not-good-enough credit! ha!

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I got up and out of bed today! And I’ve been that way ever since!

Oh my!

And I went shopping and almost bought this wonderful new bug with flames on it! The only real problem was that it also had Tabasco logos on it, and I couldn’t get approved for the credit to get it. Damn.

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Why is it that it bugs me when I see snot-nosed whiney-ass punk kids driving $80,000 Mercedes sports cars?

I say snot-nosed, whiney-ass because I can’t imagine some child raised like that growing up to be anything else. Well, I can imagine it, but it’s hard.

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Thanks to all the people in the world who have ever read a single word of mine and then stopped for a moment to reflect on what idea that word (or phrase) related. It’s people like you that make the world the wonderful place it is. Even if it is the only option.

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Las Vegas is a strange town. It’s sort of pathetic in some ways. There’s all these multi-billion dollar buildings with lots of crazy lights saying, “Look at me!,” “Visit me!,” “Notice me!”

It’s a relentless, ongoing display of gross capitalism. It’s sort of exciting to see all the excess, but I just start worrying about all the energy that goes into it and I wonder if all this fun is really worth it.

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So. I got to Las Vegas last night for Comdex. I wasn’t able to get to a computer to do an update until now. Novell has a big thing with computers available for people to use. Most of them seem to just be looking at random web pages. I’m not sure exactly why they would travel all the way to Las Vegas to do that, but whatever.

This thing is pretty huge. We’re in what I think is the smaller of the two convention centers. First, we went down to the Basement, where Be was, and that was sort of fun, but seeing the booth was a little anti-climactic because I’ve sort of already seen or read about all the stuff… the rest of the stuff down there was pretty boring. In the main hall, we saw a huge Creative Labs (the people who make Sound Blaster sound cards) booth. There was a big crowd, but they didn’t seem to be doing anything…

One booth has 3 of the SF Cheerleaders, too… sort of strange. It was some company I had never heard of, too.

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I went to Fry’s today. I went there yesterday, too. That was dumb of me, but
that’s another story. Fry’s is a huge electronics store, in case you haven’t
been there. They have lots of electronic stuff, and it’s pretty cheap, too.
It’s a huge warehouse version of Radio Shack, with better stuff. The world just wouldn’t
be as good without it.

One thing that’s especially cool about it is that you can take anything you buy back
for up to 30 days after the purchase date. Anything! That’s an especially big plus.
Another big plus is that you get to see a huge selection of all the nerds, dorks, and
geeks in the local area all at one time… It’s kind of nice. It makes
you feel a little at home, and it also makes you feel better about yourself, because
a lot of them are even dorkier than you…

Oh dearie. I skipped a whole day. It looks like this updating every day thing
is starting to catch up with me a little…

Well, another election day went by. It sounds like a lot of exciting things were
voted on, as usual. I didn’t vote. I don’t vote. I call myself a conscientious
non-voter. That means that I choose not to vote. I think it is definitely
bad to not consider it at all… not voting because you’re lazy or you don’t know how
or something is no good. If you have opinions about the way the system is going
or if you have criticisms, then you should vote.

Here’s my problem… I don’t believe that I have a voice.

I know a lot of people say
that, but I actually don’t believe that any of the people in the government are
speaking for me…
I don’t think voting is going to change anything for the better. It just
placates us, makes us believe that something is actually going
to change for the better if only we wait long enough. I think it’s time to stop
waiting and start doing. I’m dumb, though.

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This is a happy day. It’s happy because I have decided it is. I got a creepy email
from some guy, though. I’m not sure how to feel about it. It made me feel all funny,
like I had been abused. I guess the attention is ok, though… wait, this is a happy day.
Join the new mailing list to find out more about that. Happy.

I’m not sure how I feel about people who spit outside. Why can’t they just swallow
their spit like everybody else? It’s people like that who force those generous,
caring law-makers to make evil, restrictive laws. Don’t those people know they’re
ruining things for everyone? What a bunch of happy crackers.

If this was hard to digest, try mixing it with the new
Special Sauce.

I fear that I have been a little down lately. I’m not sure why I would be, though.
I have nothing much to be down about. I guess I have nothing much to be much of
anything about, though. I suppose that’s enough to get you down all by itself. I
am not unhappy. I have a lot of freedom to do pretty much whatever I want to do. I
write more email every day than most people get in a week. You don’t want to know
how much I get. (hint: Sage gets more. )
Anyway, though, this isn’t about me. Or, rather it isn’t about my email.
This is about things that are vitally more important to the sanitation of the country.
Or, rather the sanity of the country. Have I gone off the deep end?

Aiieeee…. try the new Special Sauce.

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I took back a couple of the things that I had bought during a buying spree of mine
the other week. That was a good feeling. I felt a bit guilty about spending so
much money and this helps somewhat. It shows that I really was only buying those things
to see if what I wanted to do would work… when I found out it didn’t work, I didn’t get
lazy and just keep the stuff. Nope! I took it back like a good boy. Yay me.

Oh, my! I’ve been busy the past couple of days. I’ve been having trouble getting
anything done. That’s always a sign that I’m working on too many things at once… I’m
overtaxed. I need to start getting some things done instead. I’ve even been neglected
my adoring fans. Poor you.

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Back from Sunny Seattle! Rock music still reigns up there, I think. In a good way.
I’m in some sort of strange readjustment phase now. My room felt strange when I first
walked in… It didn’t fit like a glove anymore… 3 weeks away is enough for that to
happen. I spent today doing a little decorating, adding some more cardboard shelves,
throwing away some unnecessary clutter. That was nice. The room is happy with me now.

I’m finding it a little hard to focus on one task since my return. I came up with a lot
of ideas while my mind was less stressed and more open to wander and now I want to do
them all at once. I ended up just sort of cleaning up and organizing. That always puts
me back into focus some. The look of a messy room is not good for my personal
productivity. I’m always thinking I should be cleaning it… If I’m busy on set tasks
I can deal with it. If I’m in a planning phase where I’m deciding how to divide up
my time, it drives me batty.

So, while I was cleaning, I was listening to the radio
a bit and they were playing the stuff going on in the house of reps. live. They’re
discussing whether or not they should try harder to fuck over the president… Those
people are fuckers… the politicians… all of them. They could give a rat’s ass about
me or about what I want to do. All they care about is staying in office and having
their career turn out nice and maybe helping a few of their friends along the way…
Yeah, fuck them.

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Frizzle. Frazzle. I can’t get away from this presidential fiasco thing. People keep talking
about it and making websites about it and selling paraphenalia linked to it. It’s a major big
thing. And I’m worried that it’s going to overshadow all the weird weather we’ve been having
for the past couple of years and make people forget all about the coming
millennial crossover. That would certainly be
a shame.

also, new thing in special sauce as of the 29th

It’s still cold in here. We went out to buy some groceries yesterday, and it was sort of warm outside.
That was nice. It’s been a little bit cold all day today, and the sun has most definitely not been
out. It even drizzled for awhile. I guess Seattle is living up to its reputation. It’s hard to
type with cold fingers.

This daily beating sorta sucked, I think. To make up for it, here’s a cool website:

Airport Day:
While I was waiting in LAX for my flight yesterday, the helpful voices that come out
of the ceiling kept telling me that I was not required to give money to the people
soliciting in the airport. They went on to tell me that the airport did not condone
their activities. Has it really come to that?

Hey. Look at this: idallas vs The Purple Monkey.

Something that really irks me is when people sit around (or stand around, or
hop on one leg, or whatever) and complain about everything all the time
without ever giving a moment’s thought to trying to actually doing something.
So many people I know (shall I say most) never really attempt to do anything that
hasn’t been pre-planned out for them. I know this is an old complaint, and
I know that I’m just as guilty as this as anyone else, but it still sucks.

It’s ok to sit on your ass and be a tumor on the ass of society. That’s fine and
cool, but don’t get in the way and annoy everyone with your whiney-ass complaints, too.

Get a frickin life, or go
vote or something.


After complaining about the weather for so long (that’s something that it’s ok
to complain about because there’s not really anything anyone can do about it
and it does make everyone feel better to hear constant complaints everywhere
they go), it’s finally broken and gotten to be really nice. Last Friday, the
heat broke, and it’s been really nice ever since. The sun has been out, and there’s been
a nice breeze. It’s been warm enough to warrant the use of a fan still, but it’s been
cool enough to warrant a small blanket at night. Finally.

Now I can whip out my slip and slide and start inviting the teenage girls from
the neighborhood over for a BBQ. yeah.

BTW, we have a brand-new super-cool location for
Midnite Bombers
coming up this Friday. It’s gonna be super-cool. Anyone in the LA area should come
check it out.

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The dog who adopted us as a household and who was the subject of a daily beating
awhile back (we don’t have a name for him, but we sort of jokingly call him “Gimpy”)
seems to be recovering from whatever was wrong with his leg. He’s actually walking on it
now! He still looks a bit weird and kinda hops along a little, but he does seem
to be getting better. That makes my whole month.

Also, there is a finally a hint of a cool breeze coming in through my window. It took
until 1:34 AM, but the heat of the day is starting to break. Maybe I can get some
work done now.

Oh the Heat (cont):
Oh my, when will it end? I ended up with a weird headache thing that was emanating from
the base of my skull today. I think it’s from the heat. I hope it’s from the heat.
If it’s not, there’s something really wrong with me. We need to get some serious fan
action going in this house. It’s so stagnant during the day…

I saw some stuff on the news tonight about some area schools not having air conditioning,
either. It showed a little kid saying, “Everybody’s sweating!” That’s messed up.
Most of those kids probably have enough trouble paying attention without a huge
heat wave wearing them down.

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Some of us New Dream Network members had
an IRC discussion today. We were going to try to figure out how to encourage
cooperation and interaction between our own group, which is sort of an ironic situation, I
suppose. We talked about that some, and we talked about all kinds of other things, too.
We got into the straight-edge issue (Annie is
straight-edge.), and we talked some basic religion, and we had some laughs and we
probably bored a couple of people to tears.

I guess that worked out ok. I wish it was more of us, though.

The limping house dog hangs out at our house every evening and night now. He
sleeps on our porch, and tonight he’s been barking at other dogs. He greets us when
we get home from work. He hangs out with us on the front porch. He seems to like us
quite a lot. He comes back every day. Sorta strange if you ask me.

Hey, I also cleaned up the archive section a bit.
I moved July onto it’s own page. It’ll get too long, otherwise.

This month I got overbilled by my stupid phone company. They normally give me evening
and weekend hours free, which normally ends up saving me like $50 or so. That’s always
cool. But then, this month, the savings were only like $1.18. I figured something
was wrong and I could just call and they’d fix it. I tried calling the number on
my phone bill (you know, the one right beside a little thing saying “Problem with
your bill? Call…”), but that didn’t work at all. Since I have ISDN, the normal
tech support part of the phone company can’t help me at all. They’re completely
stupid when it comes to my problems. “But my problem is with my bill! It has nothing
to do with my ISDN specifically,” I plead, but they don’t listen. And so I get tossed
around from person to clueless person. I finally called them for the 4th time today, and
I had to redial them something like 6 times before I got a person instead of a busy
signal. I eventually went through the main support number, and the woman promptly
forwarded me to the ISDN help desk (which is where I had been trying to call without
success for 30 minutes before that), but it worked that time. The person I talked to
said she would have a billing representative call me. Yeah, whatever.

Fuck them.

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So. I’ve been stuck doing tech support for one of my pet projects
( http://www.dreamhost.com/ ) for the
past few days. I don’t mind that much, but it sure puts me in a bad mood sometimes.
Some people are such buttheads. I just want to say, “Take your 10 measly dollars
and go somewhere else! See if I care! Let them deal with your
impatient, whining ass!”

But I don’t. It’s a business after all, and minorly profitable at that.

But I sure want to.

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dolphin nightmare day:
So. I’m just laying there, right? Soaking in some sun, watching the girls’ butts as
they go by. Suddenly I hear something really weird… sort of squeaky and sort of
grunty and wet at the same time. It was a strange thing to be hearing in the middle of
the morning, and I got pretty annoyed about it… I got so annoyed in fact, that I decided
to do something about it. I was going to give whoever it was a piece of my mind…
Just watch me.

So I got up to take a look at what I was facing, but as I got up and regained my bearings,
I realized the sound had stopped. I looked around for anybody or anything that might
be the cause of the hideous sound, but all I could see was a skinny white guy and
a dolphin wearing a bikini. Now, that’s something you don’t see every day.

dolphin fantasy day:
Some days I think about her. She had beautiful smooth skin. I could sit there and
stroke her for hours, but only a couple, and then she had to go back into the water.
See, she was a dolphin. That might sound strange, but it was love, and we both knew it.

I could tell she liked the way I touched her. Don’t get the wrong idea… I never tried
anything funny with her. She always knew exactly what she was getting herself into.
In fact, it was usually her idea. She was such a spunky girl. I hope she still is.
It’d be a shame for the world to lose a girl like that.

Whereever you are, my beautiful girl, have a peaceful night in whatever dark ocean
waters you find yourself. Rest well.

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When I first left college and entered the corporate world a little over a year ago,
I found myself dropped into a new world with new interactions, new lingo, new jokes,
and new expectations. It was all foreign and strange. My first reaction was distaste.
“How can people live like this?” I wondered. Since then I’ve adapted and started
to realize that even the people completely submerged in this foreign world don’t take
it all so seriously. I’ve begun to document a phenomenon I’ll call
“corporate banter”.

Here’s an example. A coworker today got an email from a woman at another company
(whom he does not know in person). They had planned to meet to discuss some
work-related stuff.
She referred to the meeting like this: “I thought we had gotten
our thingies in synch…”
She was merely referring to their schedules, but it gave me a giggle.

It’s sad what not having money can do to a person in our society. People without money
feel as if they have no way out of their situation. They start to believe that things
are not fair and there is no legal way for them to get what they need, and they
may be right.

At any rate, we have some friends that we feel we cannot trust. The friends in question
don’t have much money (read ‘not much’ as ‘any’). Now, when some has turned up
missing, we can’t help but wonder. Whether I feel guitly about my suspicions
or not, they still remain and I can’t deny them. I hope I’m not right, though.

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I was talking to some woman on the phone today. She was a head-hunter, somebody
who’s job it is to bug professional techie people like me while we’re at work
to try to get us to hire some nimrod that has gone to ask them for help finding
a job. She asked me my name, and I say iDallas (well, I left off the i, but whatever),
and she sort of took a deep breath (kind of like a reverse sigh), and said, “Oh!
I’m from Dallas! How do you spell it?”

“Just like the city.”

“Oh, how neat!”

I love that.

The other day I was driving around, laughing with some friends, and singing
songs of the road and having a grand old time when something happened that
fucked the whole thing up. We had stopped at a light, and I took the opportunity
to sing a quick solo. The light turned and I, in my deep state of passion,
didn’t notice for something like, oh I don’t know… 3/4 of a second, and the
king moron behind me honked. I’m not talking about some little squeak of a honk
saying a clearly polite “Hey golden-tonsils, get your butt in gear.” No.
This was a 100% “Move it, asshole!”.

Geez, get a frickin’ life, loser.


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Hectic work days suck ass. Suddenly everything needs to be done right this moment
and every person’s request is more important than everyone else’s and nothing is ever
done all the way, or so it seems because there are always 3 new things waiting to be done
in place of any one that you do check off the list.

And what makes that happen anyway? Sometimes a good couple of weeks go by where
everything goes pretty smoothly, and things are actually being accomplished and it
feels like maybe, finally, just once it might be true that all the planets are aligned
and all the tarot cards have fallen the right way and the fortune cookie has opened
with just the right crackle and life at work might actually be good. And then WHAM
one of those crappy days or two comes along and destroys all my faith in just about
everything I ever considered for a moment as significant.

and all I can say is… crummy.

I like dancing, and I like repetitious music with a lot of deep throbbing bass.
I like to be in a crowd of people with similar feelings about those two things,
sharing a moment or two and having fun. There’s no real reason why dancing (or moving
about in a sort of awkward, somewhat rythmic fashion, as in my case) should be fun.
But it is.

It’s fun to let that groove take you deeper into yourself or farther out in whatever
direction you’re heading. It’s something that’s not about sex or money. It won’t
make you rich or poor, but it might just make you smile or make a silly face.

There’s something about dancing to a beat that runs deep into our collective psyche.
It strings us together across the centuries and the
And no one can take that away.
And that makes me happy.

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