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really old

Sunday:

I’ve had the sound of the rain to keep me company all day. It’s a nice sound. It’s soothing. I wish my head wasn’t so heavy so I could maybe appreciate it more.

Things are going well, but it feels like my grip is slipping. It’s that moment right before you let go of something heavy and it crashes down. There’s a moment where you have time to do something, but you are paralyzed by the knowledge that there is nothing you can do.

I should just be happy for what I have.
For some reason, I can’t be, though. I always want more. I see things and I want them. It’s how I know I’m alive, I think.

Maybe it really is all about love. Maybe. Maybe.

Sunday:

We had a really great party last night.
Good amount of people. No dunderheads doing anything to mess things up. Good sound.

But we lost loads of money. Der.
It happens. It’s easier to deal with when the party itself was cool, too.

It was an unlucky date or something. We had to make some last minute changes, and it made some small issues bigger issues.

And boy am I tired today.

Categories
really old

Saturday:

Cigarette smoke is gross!
Why do people sit around in a room and just smoke and smoke?
It gets all in your clothes and makes everything smell 1000 years old.

I keep thinking that I am going to have to start smoking so I can understand it. The smoke probably won’t bother me as much then, either.

And now I’m moving into a building with 3 or 4 other smokers. Geez.

Saturday:

intimacy and compassion are undeniable assets.
with riches such as that, everything else will fall in line
the jesters and firebreathers of the world will beg
to help create the world for you

Categories
really old

Wednesday:

I got a message from someone who will have lived 10,000 days on Jan 1, 2000.

If that isn’t special, I don’t know what is.

Wednesday:

I’m a very demanding friend. I expect a lot from people. Not so much from people I don’t know, but once I start to feel comfortable with someone, I don’t like anything to jeopardize that comfort zone. I need as many comfortable emotional spots as I can get…

When someone does something that goes against how I want that person to be… it gets in the way of my comfort. Often, it does lead to a more developed relationship, but sometimes I feel like I can’t deal with it all.

Sometimes, I feel like I’m a whiney dope, too.

Categories
really old

Tuesday:

We spent some time in the building today. We did a little cleaning, and a little planning, and a bit of arguing. I tried to follow some of the wires around the building to see where they lead and where they come from. It’s going to take us forever to figure all that stuff out. I hope we’re able to.

It’s a cool place to be. I hope I can feel comfortable there eventually. It’s a new life-situation and that stresses me out a bit. I’m used to how things are now… I used to look forward to big changes, but I’m starting to get tired. Tired of dealing with new things. I guess I’m starting to get old. I’m starting to learn to deal with things the way they are.

I’m starting to understand conservatism, I guess.

Tuesday:

I have self-destructive tendencies.
When things seem to be going as good as can be, I start getting failure anxiety… I start worrying that maybe I’m not doing things how I should be, or maybe something terrible is going to go wrong. It’s not so much that I’m pessimistic about things… I start feeling like I should just give up altogether… that there’s no use to it at all.

I worry that I might one day just go nutso and try to just destroy everything I love.

Categories
really old

Sunday:

I think I may have caught step-throat! Doh!
I need to be more careful.

This should have gone in Daily Beating… but I had a nice dream. I met a couple of girls with lots of tattoos and they told me about a crazy club where some people were smoking out of a 4-foot bong with a massive bowl.

I declined the offer.

Sunday:

“I love it when a plan comes together.”

The building is ours! The lease has been signed! I made copies of the key and distributed them. Now we have to start on the long trek ahead… moving in, setting up phones, internet, etc, installing alarm system, replacing some carpet, repainting some parts, buying furniture and equipment.

The whole shebang.

New Dream Network World Headquarters and
The Los Angeles Center for the Exploration of Hyper-Modern Art
is born.