iDallas!

Friday:

Fan Mail Day:

Dear iDallas,

You are the most wonderful and sincere being I have ever encountered on the internet.
You may even be the most wonderful and sincere being I have encountered in the universe, too.
Reading your website is pretty much a spiritual thing for me. I have developed a little routine
that I use to prepare myself for it. Here’s how it goes: I get up in the morning, wearing
my see-through nightie that I always wear to tease the construction workers working next door
and I walk out into the den, where the computer is. I walk very quietly so I don’t disturb my
dad (he’s a writer and he needs his sleep), and I walk up to our computer. I always approach it from
the left side, because that’s the side the sun comes into the window from and I think that iDallas.com
should always be approached that way because it’s so keen. When I get up to the computer, I slowly
put my hands up onto the computer tower, near the top, right above the CD player part. Then I look
up into the sky (or actually, just the cieling, but I pretend it’s the sky)
and I try to fill my head with all the images of you I have seen on the Weekly
Shine. Then I just sit there and let my mind go free so I can be ready to read your wisdom
without any other distractions. Then I just read it. I try to laugh out loud if I can, but not too
loud so I don’t wake my dad. Usually, I am able to, but occasionally I can’t because it’s not that
funny. Oh well. You’re so close to perfect, it doesn’t even matter!

With All my Heart,
Betty-Joe

also, new thing in special sauce as of the 29th

Thursday:

I guess maybe people actually are thinking about these sorts of sex issues a little bit more.
Presidents have penises and they like blowjobs just as much as the next guy. If the president
were a woman, she would indeed have breasts and would probably enjoy oral sex, too. People
are sexual animals and they like sexual stuff. And it’s not even an issue of “why couldn’t
he just get it at home” or anything like that. He’s a busy guy. His wife, bless her soul, is a
busy woman. They don’t have much time to get together. When they have sex, I’m sure it’s a magical
and wonderful thing. When you get to be their age, you just don’t have time for magical,
wonderful things anymore. You just want to get off.

For all we know, it might have made him perform his duties as president better because he was more
relaxed while on the job.

also, new thing in special sauce as of the 29th

Frizzle. Frazzle. I can’t get away from this presidential fiasco thing. People keep talking
about it and making websites about it and selling paraphenalia linked to it. It’s a major big
thing. And I’m worried that it’s going to overshadow all the weird weather we’ve been having
for the past couple of years and make people forget all about the coming
millennial crossover. That would certainly be
a shame.

also, new thing in special sauce as of the 29th

Wednesday:

There’s a possibility that I might get DSL hooked up at my house. It’s a new internet connection
technology that blows away ISDN (in theory). It’s way faster than ISDN, and it’s way cheaper than
big connections like T1’s and stuff. It is a bit more expensive than ISDN, but it’s faster and
it’s up all the time (no dialing!). It’s better in lots of ways than cable modem because it gives you
guaranteed bandwidth while cable modem is just a big gob of bandwidth spread between lots of people.
Plus I can’t get cable modem service in my area and it won’t be available for “a year or
two” (quote from the cable company). Sheesh.
I’m not supposed to get too excited about it because they still have to check
the lines by my house to make sure I can get it… I’ll be heart-broken if I can’t… but I’ll
manage.

also, new thing in special sauce as of the 29th

I can’t believe how unreliable internet service providers are, for the most part. With the connection
I’m using here, we sometimes have to dial 3 or 4 times before we can get a connection due to
“no carrier signal” or “remote server not responding” messages. Then, once we get one, it likes to
kick us off for no apparent reason every now and then. I know this is pretty common as far
as dialup ISP’s go, but could you imagine if the phone company was like this? Could you imagine
if you had to call somebody 3 or 4 times before you got through to them? Could you imagine if
you would just get regularly disconnected while talking on the phone? I guess it used to be that
way in the past… strange. I guess it will only get better, but I’m still waiting and it’ll be
a source of frustration the whole time. blah.

also, new thing in special sauce as of the 29th

Riding on the city bus it all at once stimulating, exciting, invigorating, nauseating, depressing,
and vile. On a single bus ride, you come into contact with so many people doing so many different
things. Everyone is talking about different things and going about their lives in different ways.
It’s exciting to know that so many people are alive around you. At the same time, there are
people saying disgusting things in a disgusting manner. There are people being loud with nothing
to say. There are people that are upset or down because things are not going their way. It is
something that I would probably not miss if I never did it. At the same time, it also gives me
something to think about.

Tuesday:

Shoots of color slip and slide from between your toes as you walk across a dreamy field of your own
design. Your only thoughts are of your own happiness and its own endlessness. Nothing at all in
this world can distract you from your bliss and you have complete knowledge of everything around you.
You don’t need to sleep, but you can easilly whenever and wherever you like. The same is true
for eating. Nothing can harm you, and everything tastes and smells as good as you can imagine.

also, new thing in special sauce as of the 25th

Sunday/Monday:

Poem Day:

delicate bloom

Delicate bloom.
Tremendous boom.
Ecstatic sigh.
Quiet cry.

Mangled Memories

Mangled memories
of what I once knew.
Plague my present
and make me unknown to you.

I fear the future
and what it might bring.
The angel in the light tower
has forgotten about me.

Hold on to what you know.
And help me remember my dreams.
That’s what lovers do
When they’re not alone.

also, new thing in special sauce

There is so much violence and pain in the world and still people like to see it on tv and in movies.
What is it about that? Why do people want to see the misery of their fellow human? Does it make
you think about your own misery (or lack thereof)? Does it just make you want to buy what they
show you in the commercials (to make yourself feel better)? Does it just make you want to cry?

So often I am frustrated when I am confronted with a slowdown in traffic, and then when I get to the
accident or whatever I realize that there’s no reason for us to be going slower… people just
slow down to see the real-life gore and guts. Geez. Get a life or something.

Nonsense Day (try saying them aloud!):
daw dar deng dee do duhn
dwap dee der doo dar
duhn duhn der dooo dag dag zegag doo
digga digga my swigga swigga
derbop doo dam, she’t fat as a clam!
dumbutt. dumbutt. dermot. dingbot.