Ego
without our egos
we are nothing
but with our egos
we can never be free
of the chains of fear and desire
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Thursday:
Spirited
powerful
delicate
sensuous
and beautiful
like a horse,
I guess.
I am signing in my head sometimes. I am hearing the invisible raindrops bounce off the tin roof I call my mind. I am. Hahah.
I am putting some words together in some sort of attempt to avoid really saying anything at all. I am bobbling about and juggling with the truth. Haha. I am.
I am wanting to be great, and I am almost willing to admit it to myself. I crave power like anybody, and I know that, and I want to not think about it, but I don’t know if that will make it go away. For some reason, I think it won’t.
And I have been thinking about Cuba in a very real way, and I don’t know if I could give up everything I’ve gained for myself and my friends just so that a bunch of people I dislike can be equal to me. I guess actually a lot of those people might flee with the shit hits the proverbial fan, though. I guess. Yeah. hahah.
And the cup. What about the cup? Is it going down? Or it is going up? It could be 1/3 full and rising or not. I dunno. It’s like thinking about whether the universe is expanding or contracting…. Who cares? Seriously.
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Sunday:
Complex. And separated.
Intricate and dynamic.
It’s a stuggle.
And I deal with it every day.
I don’t know what to say to who and what to feel about who and who cares about what and why… and I don’t know whose feelings to worry about hurting and whose to not give a fuck about.
I want to fuck a lot of people I don’t know… and for some reason not that many I do know. And I think it might be some sort of weird association with this concept of S-E-X as some sort of great reward or some show of power or something fundamentally fucked up like that.
Well. There are shifting issues going on around me, and I try to not get involved, and that just gets me in more trouble, and now I’m starting to see a possible new very big situation develop and I’m starting to really think about it a lot and hang a lot of emotions on it, and I really hope it doesn’t turn out to just be another big issue.
Another big issue.
Yeah, the sweet smells of nauseous obsession. Sweet. When you want something, and you think you should have it, but then it just doesn’t come. Or maybe it comes, but not with you. Or something sinister like that.
And it’s weird, because times like that are what most make me feel human. I feel very not in control of the situation. I’m just riding along on my fantasies. Or maybe on somebody else’s fantasies that I’ve just read or seen on TV.
Categories
Sunday:
Delicate drizzlings
a hot affair, indeed
a miscued memory
or an anxious obsession
tick-tocking tapestries
and overbearing wall patterns
ridiculous details
or an over-powered mind
longing, oh so wanting
for a smell half as sweet
to find its way to rest near me
and madden my nova desires
the end is coming.
haha.
pleasant thought. But I’m not really worried.
because the end of one thing is always the beginning
of another.
I only really start to get worried when there is no end in sight.
I worry that I might start to get bored, and there will be no end ever to the tedium. I guess there will always be new things to learn about, though… Technology is like that.
hahhahhaaah. Yeah.
My head is sort of swimming. I wonder if I need to eat better.
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Wednesday:
I guess I do actually start to wonder if maybe all of this isn’t taking me anywhere… I wonder if maybe I’m really just spinning in the same circles as ever, but maybe now I’m just analyzing the holy fuck out of it. I guess maybe that might still be better, though. Maybe. Yeah. Who knows?
And I want to know what’s going on, but I just don’t have the same fight in me that I used to. Maybe I should start trying to get into trouble out on the town.
lick
that cold post
and stay there forever
so I’ll know
that you’ll be there
when I return
If you can’t do that for me.
I don’t think I can go on to do
the things I have always wanted to do.
Because I know that I must be alone
or I will not be able to distinguish my own thoughts from yours.
But why do I care?
Why does anyone care, really? Why do I ask so many fucked up questions? ahah.
I guess this isn’t much of a laughing matter, and somehow I have managed to make the beating somewhat positive and this blessing is turning somewhat sour. Sweet old life, that is, I guess. hee.
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Friday:
I am beating my head against this post that I have put in the ground so I would have something to lean on. It’s the truth, haha, that I base my philosophy, even more hahaha, on. The truth that’s somewhere deep inside of me.
That said. Love. Fuck that shit. Technology’s where it’s at.
Right?
No matter how much money I spend on toys, nothing can make me feel like the moment an amazing beautiful young thing catches me trying to catch her eye. Nothing.
That’s not to say that feeling is the only thing worth striving for… hardly, ahaha. No, but its just an illustration of sorts that maybe people really do grow up and maybe there really is more to life than the mechanics of the world going on around us. Maybe, just maybe, we can have a chance to think and feel alike once in awhile, and maybe, just maybe, that’s really all that matters.
As if anything really matters. ahaha.