Wednesday:

prying open my eyes, I turn and take in the warm stare of the sunbeams coiling through the trail of the smoking incense stick and the holes in my ratty curtains.

This is not happiness, but for a moment, I might mistake it as such. I guess maybe it just doesn’t really matter. I feel this and that from day to day, and it doesn’t seem to help for me to figure out what this and that are. Thinking about things like that pretty much just makes me forget things. It makes me forget things like how I have lived my life to get where I am now and how I might continue to live my life to stay where I am… or maybe to continue on the path I’ve been going on. I guess staying in one spot is not much different from continuing on one path without question… or even from continuing down one path with lots of unanswered questions.

I am here, though. Right?

Categories
really old

Wednesday:

American beauty is seriously amazing.
That’s the comment I have.
It made me cry at the end. Not a lot, but a little.

There’s a lot going on all the way through and it really picks on some provocative issues.

See it with some people you love. Not your parents… people close to you that you haven’t known your whole life.
Why? I dunno. That’s how I did it, and it was great. Of course, that’s how I do most things. I’m like that. ahahhh.

Monday:

smoking the smoke
pouring from an empty gun
I suck it up
and fuck it all, I grin!

when I am on target
and living my life
the process
is fundamental, it’s right

I do what I know
and I know what I feel
and I feel what I am
and I am color and shape

the prism I see through
divides and separates
but nothing can stop me
from making my place

I know I am not alone because you are here with me now. Together, we have thought these thoughts and that unites us. We are not one, but we are more than two.

Categories
really old

Monday:

trembling and tumbling
yellow and mauve
draining my semen
with a sharp, cold stick

conflicts within me
crumble my success

eyes, dry and wide
I stumble, tumble on
into the night
and on to the day

I hope so anyway

Sunday:

disaster!

stupid dunderhead crackers decided to fuck our shit up.
we’ve been working constantly for a few days now to fix everything, and more things are coming up broken all the time.

this will never happen again, we’ll make sure of that. but it still sucks this time.

Categories
really old

Sunday:

I got a super-duper inspiring nice email today. I really need those emails at times like these.

I managed to get out of the building to hang out for a bit last night. The server problems had to sit and wait, but I needed a break.

here’s a poem:

sloppy joes
on my plate
I need a bun
before it’s too late!

I get some bread
white and dry
and then I stick the meat and synthetic flavoring mixture between it
and then I eat

Thursday:

I have an aversion to the “real world” overall, and I tend to want to ball up when real issues come up. I know not everyone is like me, and I really do prefer it that way, but sometimes I really wonder why things can’t be simpler. I wonder why we can’t all just look for the things in life that make us happy and then go with those things. I wonder why friends and family really aren’t the most important thing overall…. or maybe just why so many people seem to forget that they really are.

Categories
really old

Thursday:

I can drown my sorrows in my head by turning up the music and shooting down the avenue.

I can watch the pretty girls go by and even hope I might catch a glimpse of a smile before I zip away.

I can sit and think while the sun goes down and then up again, and I can praise heaven that I can do that again the next day.

And all of this is true because I believe in hope. I believe that it really is possible for things to get better.

Wednesday:

I got a new car!
Shiny blue!
Vroom!

I really like it so far. This is the first time I’ve had a car newer than 9 years old. It’s the first time I’ve had a car that was from the current decade.

Categories
really old

Wednesday:

It’s starting to happen.
The dark ways of the world are penetrating our small group.
I’m feeling the urge to get out, but I’m just being silly I tell myself. I’m showering myself with gifts to shut myself up… new car, new records, new Palm V. I like my new things… but what’s going on?

There’s so much number talk going on. It’s so arbitrary. Agh. This isn’t really what it’s about, is it?

I’m scared, and I want to cry. I’m lashing out and rejecting it. But I’m not really. I’m still participating in the discussions.

I guess it’s probably going a lot better than it would with most groups of people… but I’m just really displeased with the whole system or something.