iDallas!
I have self-destructive tendencies.
When things seem to be going as good as can be, I start getting failure anxiety… I start worrying that maybe I’m not doing things how I should be, or maybe something terrible is going to go wrong. It’s not so much that I’m pessimistic about things… I start feeling like I should just give up altogether… that there’s no use to it at all.
I worry that I might one day just go nutso and try to just destroy everything I love.
We spent some time in the building today. We did a little cleaning, and a little planning, and a bit of arguing. I tried to follow some of the wires around the building to see where they lead and where they come from. It’s going to take us forever to figure all that stuff out. I hope we’re able to.
It’s a cool place to be. I hope I can feel comfortable there eventually. It’s a new life-situation and that stresses me out a bit. I’m used to how things are now… I used to look forward to big changes, but I’m starting to get tired. Tired of dealing with new things. I guess I’m starting to get old. I’m starting to learn to deal with things the way they are.
I’m starting to understand conservatism, I guess.
“I love it when a plan comes together.”
The building is ours! The lease has been signed! I made copies of the key and distributed them. Now we have to start on the long trek ahead… moving in, setting up phones, internet, etc, installing alarm system, replacing some carpet, repainting some parts, buying furniture and equipment.
The whole shebang.
New Dream Network World Headquarters and
The Los Angeles Center for the Exploration of Hyper-Modern Art
is born.
I think I may have caught step-throat! Doh!
I need to be more careful.
This should have gone in Daily Beating… but I had a nice dream. I met a couple of girls with lots of tattoos and they told me about a crazy club where some people were smoking out of a 4-foot bong with a massive bowl.
I declined the offer.
Life rotates around our desires and motivations. Life is a series of events resulting from our actions, which are based on those things.
And it is the responsibility of each one of us to figure out what it is that we want. Those desires are the key that unlocks the bounties of beauty life can deliver.
Once you know what you want, you will be happy forever because everyone has the potential to do anything. You have the capacity to take what you want. Others have the capacity to give you what you want, if you let them.
Remember, wants and needs are inherently different animals. I want lots of things that I don’t need. I want the whole world. I don’t need that.
have you ever heard of “beating some sense into someone”? Sometimes I want to do that. I don’t know if I could actually bring myself to beat someone else, but boy, sometimes I wonder.
Some people seem to have been asleep in kindergarten when they were teaching us how to share and be nice to each other. Some people seem to have managed to get through kindergarten without learning those valuable lessons.
Do I have a specific example in mind here? Not really. Maybe… I dunno. I don’t think so.
I just want things to be simpler. People are so afraid of getting hurt they build up these fortresses of constructs and defense mechanisms. So now, in our culture, there are a bunch of fortresses walking around, never getting too close to each other for fear of accidentally bumping heads.
It seems to me that people I know really want the other people they meet to fit into some sort of mold and be everything possible from that mold. This is most evident in love-interest relationships. It’s not so prevalent in normal friend-friend relationships. It does come up there, too, though.
I’m proposing this thought as a possible cause for some common behavior I have noticed. People are especially upset when a friend does something wrong… but even more than just wrong things…. people get upset when their friends do something they would not have expected them to do. When you start to depend on other people for things like love, trust, emotional stability, etc, you start to build a solid image of those people in your head. You base some of your reasoning on those personal images so when those images are shifted by additional real-world input, it takes some time for people to recheck and verify all of their logical constructs. During that verification process, you have had your rug pulled out from under you (so to speak), and are just floating. That tends to make life difficult, hectic and a bit paranoid.
I have been dreaming about failures lately. Mostly love-life failures. Some of the dreams seem to be based on real life, but some of them seem to just be there to try to discourage me or something… or maybe my dream self understands me enough to know that thinking about failing in some area of my life will possibly motivate me to actively think about that end of things and try to improve.
So, maybe it’s a sign that I should be out lookin’ for some lovin’
I cannot go on without the knowledge that other people are seeing what I am doing.
I am unable to exist without some eyes watching me. I am attention-hungry… but I still slink to the back of a room in public situations. I still stay out of conversations and try to not be noticed anymore than my unusual appearance warrants.
I need to know that I am not quite a part of the group, but that the group still knows I am there.
(I think I need to change the name of these postings.)
The Ego Issue.
Is it good for each person to have an ego?
Does that only lead to competition and eventually violence?
Or can multiple egos coexist peacefully?
Most people would like to think so, and I would like to as well.
But I don’t really know.