It seems as if I somehow forgot to do a beating for this day.
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Author: admin
There’s this weird feeling I have when things seem to be going a little too well with some situation. I guess that means I’m a pessimist right?
I dunno… I guess I’ve just gotten used to there always being complications in everything I do.
Well, now, something seems to be going well… I might even go so far as to say that something seems to be going right.
I don’t like to get too crazy, though, so I won’t quite say that.
When there is something that is going well, it makes everything else seem to go a bit better, too.
Funny, that.
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Monday:
I am glad to have people around me offering their support and guidance. I really do look up to a lot of the people I know. They manage to figure out so many things that I just can’t bring myself to think about.
I have such a tender heart and a tender mind. I don’t want to have to think too many hard thoughts. I know I’ll have to deal with a lot of things in my lifetime, but I have patience… I want to be prepared. I guess I’m scared.
I’m a baby.
crying softly to myself and then screaming and then crying some more…
Most of the time lately, I’ve been trying to just keep things to myself, though, because I’m starting to worry that I’m just wasting everyone’s time. I’m not really making anything better… so I might as well just not worry and do what I need to do to let myself forget all the bad and embrace the rhythms and the melodies and the rhymes.
The longer I live, the longer I want to live. I used to want to live a long time so I might have some chance to make a change for the good. I have this notion that I have some clue what’s wrong with the world around me.
What I have come to realize, though, is that I really am powerless to fix things to be the way I might like them to be. They are this way for a reason. Everything is locked. For every good, there is a bad and all that.
Now, the mission is to try to come to terms with the way things are. I am still oh so young and oh so unable to really take it all in and deal with it. I don’t want to be hard before I’m ready. I don’t want to hold my hard face all of the time… I really don’t. I already do it most of the time, and there is oh so much more to see.
I really wonder if I will be able to continue on such an open track. I’m trying not to crawl up into a defensive ball… I want to take it all in… everything I can. But, I also want to maintain some sort of connection with the child spirit within me… I hope I can do that.
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Sunday:
the authorities.
in control.
kickin’ your shit.
all over hell and back.
And they expect respect.
they expect admiration and cooperation.
when they are the cause of every problem.
it’s a tough job, right?
and some niggaz gotta do it.
or do they?
I like to go to a party and see some kids bopping and smiling and sweating and all that… and sometimes it makes me feel like maybe all these things going through my head don’t really matter… and maybe they don’t for that one instant.
Maybe, we are all one and we are dancing to the beat of the sun. And the heat is beating down. And we are feeling it.
And we are loving it.
And we are loving each other.
And the music is feeling us feeling it.
And the music doesn’t stop.
And we plop down, to the ground.
Down.
yee-ah.
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Tuesday:
I got an interesting comment from a reader today:
Hi there I look at your photograph on web site i feel you very ugly
perhaps most ugly person who live. perhaps you try to look normal it
look like you put needles in you veins and get up. i read some of your
material and let me say it very bad and stinks! you have no brains in
fact i feel sorry for you!!! you try to be very cool but you really just
stupid and a no body.. please remove you web site from internet as it is making mess of world wide web . thank you
I couldn’t put it better myself!
I have all these words in my head swimming around. I can’t go to sleep because they keep gnawing at me. They want to be set free, but they are coming faster than I can piece them together. It’s a little easier once I start writing, but there are still a million more words, sentences, phrases boiling and bubbling behind my eyes and between my ears. I am alive with this insane vibration and I don’t know what to do to stop what I am thinking. I think for one moment that I will be able to piece this all together into some sort of cohesive story or maybe even just a few sentences, but then when I sit to write, other words altogether start to come out… I don’t know where these things are coming from or where they want to go… I tried to make some music but it came out all wrong. I tried to sleep, but it didn’t happen.
I think for one moment that there is something I am missing from my life, and I think maybe there is, but then for another moment I think maybe that’s not so at all. I do believe, sometimes at least, that I may never be content with what I have… I will always want more. I have said this before a thousand times under my breath, and I am still not sure if it is true. If it is true, I believe perhaps it will be the end of me.
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Saturday:
We had a party last night. It went well. I like to see all the people really enjoying the work we put in.
It makes me sad, though, to be in a happy group of people sometimes. Sometimes I get pessimistic and I start to think about all the things the people don’t realize. I know it sounds a bit egotistical of me to assume that I know things other people don’t know… but it’s more that other people don’t seem to want to know rather than that they are unable to know.
It’s so much easier to just play dumb and close off those doors in your mind… eventually, though, you’ll find yourself alone in a single room, with nowhere to go… and that’s what causes people to lash out. It’s just like a trapped animal.
But, having a huge array of open rooms to wander around in isn’t necessarilly any better… especially if you’re alone while doing it.
dream.dog is still timid, but she definitely knows us now and mellows out pretty quick when we hang out with her.
She has to deal with a lot of different crazy noises happening all around her all the time. That’s sort of a hard thing to deal with for anyone. And she’s had a crazy life lately on top of that.
I think she’ll be ok.
I like to hang out with animals. Before college, I used to have animals around more. They have their own world. They don’t worry about the price of gas or the state of the stock market or any of that other stuff that really doesn’t matter. Animals are so much about the moment. You can just focus on them and what they’re doing and how they relate to you and each other… it’s relaxing, I think.
But then I go and start developing animal behavior theories and that gets in the way.