Category: really old

We had a party last night. It went well. I like to see all the people really enjoying the work we put in.

It makes me sad, though, to be in a happy group of people sometimes. Sometimes I get pessimistic and I start to think about all the things the people don’t realize. I know it sounds a bit egotistical of me to assume that I know things other people don’t know… but it’s more that other people don’t seem to want to know rather than that they are unable to know.

It’s so much easier to just play dumb and close off those doors in your mind… eventually, though, you’ll find yourself alone in a single room, with nowhere to go… and that’s what causes people to lash out. It’s just like a trapped animal.

But, having a huge array of open rooms to wander around in isn’t necessarilly any better… especially if you’re alone while doing it.

Nothing to complain about today!
I had a good day.

I guess I wish I had some clean clothes to wear. I haven’t made it to the laundromat for quite some time now.

I’ve been getting attention from a couple of random internet people. That’s always cool. It makes me feel like there’s some sort of method to all of this madness. At the very least, I will be able to say that I traded some thoughts with some people I would have probably never have otherwise met.

I was also thinking today that a large portion of my day is actually spent reading and writing… it’s all about absorbing the thoughts of others and integrating thing with my own and processing that mess and spitting out some sort of organized gook.

It’s sort of like making cookies…

There are quite a lot of animals around here… there have been 3 cats for the past couple of days… and we have been adopted by a stray dog… The dog is very nice… but she’s pretty timid. That’s sort of hard to deal with.

Happy life overall… somebody turned up one of the little fridges in our snack room up too much and a soda can blew up in there spraying Dr. Pepper everywhere! Ick!

Life is hectic.
Writing is sparse.

I made a new banner ad…

listen to the raindrops fall and strike the roof and carry a sound through the walls and down to the ground…
and then hear your r’s and your p’s roll off of your tongue and collide with the s’s and z’s hanging loosely in the air.

and then wonder why you even notice, let alone care about, all of these errant ideas and sensitivities, and then grab your soul and ready your heart for the journey of your life.

Some people came over last night to listen to some music. They were not my friends, but I still expected them to be reasonably cool.

Then some of them stole a laptop and a cell phone from us. Fuckers.

I’m listening to this song that says, “She’s my addiction.” over and over. Addiction. What an interesting thing.

I’ve been feeling like I’m missing something lately. I’ve been pondering what that something might be. There are a lot of things that people are commonly missing without realizing it. One of those things is love, I guess. Everybody needs love. We are a social species. I am a social person on top of that. Sometimes, anyway.

The thing is that I believe I do get quite a lot of love and attention. For some reason, I can’t get enough though. I want so much.

I do a lot of things for other people, too. At least I seem to think I do. I guess maybe I might just say that hoping people will give me that attention I’m looking for.

But this isn’t really a new topic for me, either. I’ve been talking about this for awhile. I think I’m actually making some progress with this. I haven’t really dwelled on myself so long for awhile. It’s easy for me to forget about myself all day long. Then the night comes and I find myself thinking about all the things I’ve done all day and wondering why I don’t feel fulfilled.

I’m starting to think that maybe I might also be missing some real concept of spirituality in my life. I have been gradually becoming as spiritual as I know how to be… I guess maybe there might be more possible, but I don’t really know what it might be. Maybe I really should be looking for someone else to lead me in that direction. Maybe.

a truffle
a shuffle
a moan and a gruff word

a slap
a giggle
an ooh and an ahah ahhh.

a worm
a wiggle
a 9-month waiting list

a peep
a cry
a worthwhile pain

There will soon be more people working and thriving around me. That will really help motivate me and help me see the good things that are going on around me…

I know that some of the things I have helped create are good things, but I want so so much more. I wonder if I just want things for the sake of wanting. I know that is probably the case.

But how do I break out of something like that? I guess I will just think it through like I have always done, but that is such a difficult process. Why do I find life so terribly painful? I try to avoid things I consider to be “real life” as much as I can… I try to set things up in new and different ways all the time so I don’t start to feel like I’m just doing things like everyone else.

I have a morbid fear that if I follow in someone else’s footsteps, I will end up making the same mistakes that every other person has up to now.

I know there must be some mistakes that every person has made, because I know there are some things that are wrong.