iDallas!Tuesday:
Halloween Costume Ideas (good ones):
Sunday/Monday:
I am having the time of my life running through the fields of my desire and wishing that everybody
could explore their own feelings as deeply and intently as I can. I have this almost tactile
relationship with every thought and whim that forms deep in the pit I call my brain. I suppose
some people don’t believe that things like whims form in your brain. I guess some people might think
they form somewhere deeper than physical science has been able to uncover. I’m not really one
of those people. I’m perfectly happy thinking things like whims form in your brain.
So there are these whims in my brain forming into little creatures with their own sorts of feelings
and ways of moving around and interacting with one another. Some of them are whiny and easilly
satiated. Some of them have deeper needs and require a lot of attention and a careful touch. Such
is the way with whims.
The world is crumbling around me. I can picture this hyper-dramatic, most-likely animated scene
of the earth crumbling all around me as I sit in my chair and type on my keyboard and stare into
my cathode ray tube computer monitor. All that would remain is a towering pillar of earth and
rock, with the roots of age-old trees sticking out here and there, freshly splintered like toothpicks
and me balanced perilously on top sitting on my small fold-up chair behind
my little computer desk and my Performance biking gloves.
I would be typing so feverishly that I wouldn’t even notice what was going on around me as the sun
fell behind a huge mass of deep red and grey clouds and the earth was consumed by a fierce fire.
I would be safe, miles above the pits of molten lava and debris where all the rest of humanity
was perishing at the hands of their own wanton self-hatred. And then I would feel a tap on my
shoulder and I wouldn’t notice at first and then I would feel a stronger, more insistent tap on
my shoulder and I would stop typing and the clickety-clacking that was covering up the sounds of
torment around me would stop and I would turn around to look up into the eyes of a loving and caring
demon and I would forget all about this madness I know now.
I can’t stand watching people inject things. I can’t stand it on TV, and I can’t stand it in
movies, and I can’t stand it in person. I always have to have other people inject all my drugs for
me. No, I’m kidding. I don’t use injection drugs, silly! And I’m not afraid of needles. I like big
needles like the ones they use to pierce people. I love those! I just don’t like it when
people stick a needle right into their neck just to get high and forget about the world. Ick.
Saturday:
I just got some Performance biking gloves. They make a great difference while I’m typing. They
keep my hands stiff so I don’t have to worry about poor form. I just type and the words glide
out like melted butter down my buttcrack (pardon my crudity!). I think I’m probably typing
at least twice as fast now, maybe even faster, and my accuracy has gone through the roof! This
is the best addition to my computer setup that I’ve gotten since that computer desk I talked about
awhile ago (which is still doing a great job, by the way). I highly suggest you go out
and pick up a pair of Performance biking gloves today. Most sporting good stores should have them.
Friday:
Fan Mail Day:
Dear iDallas,
You are the most wonderful and sincere being I have ever encountered on the internet.
You may even be the most wonderful and sincere being I have encountered in the universe, too.
Reading your website is pretty much a spiritual thing for me. I have developed a little routine
that I use to prepare myself for it. Here’s how it goes: I get up in the morning, wearing
my see-through nightie that I always wear to tease the construction workers working next door
and I walk out into the den, where the computer is. I walk very quietly so I don’t disturb my
dad (he’s a writer and he needs his sleep), and I walk up to our computer. I always approach it from
the left side, because that’s the side the sun comes into the window from and I think that iDallas.com
should always be approached that way because it’s so keen. When I get up to the computer, I slowly
put my hands up onto the computer tower, near the top, right above the CD player part. Then I look
up into the sky (or actually, just the cieling, but I pretend it’s the sky)
and I try to fill my head with all the images of you I have seen on the Weekly
Shine. Then I just sit there and let my mind go free so I can be ready to read your wisdom
without any other distractions. Then I just read it. I try to laugh out loud if I can, but not too
loud so I don’t wake my dad. Usually, I am able to, but occasionally I can’t because it’s not that
funny. Oh well. You’re so close to perfect, it doesn’t even matter!
With All my Heart,
Betty-Joe
also, new thing in special sauce as of the 29th
Fan-Mail Day:
Dear iDallas,
I used to think your site was pretty funny, but then you started droning on and on about
your stupid, FUCKING, boring life. I don’t want to hear about somebody else’s boring life.
Don’t you think that my life is just as stupid and FUCKING boring as yours is? Well, it is.
I look to you and people like you for some sort of soemthing different and interesting, as
opposed to stupid, FUCKING, and boring. I know it is your site (albeit stupid and FUCKING boring),
and it does say on the front page that it’s just for you, but still… I think that someone
with all of your obvious talent could do something better. Could you please just try?
Even more Bored than Before,
Joe-Bob
also, new thing in special sauce as of the 29th
Frizzle. Frazzle. I can’t get away from this presidential fiasco thing. People keep talking
about it and making websites about it and selling paraphenalia linked to it. It’s a major big
thing. And I’m worried that it’s going to overshadow all the weird weather we’ve been having
for the past couple of years and make people forget all about the coming
millennial crossover. That would certainly be
a shame.
also, new thing in special sauce as of the 29th
Thursday:
I guess maybe people actually are thinking about these sorts of sex issues a little bit more.
Presidents have penises and they like blowjobs just as much as the next guy. If the president
were a woman, she would indeed have breasts and would probably enjoy oral sex, too. People
are sexual animals and they like sexual stuff. And it’s not even an issue of “why couldn’t
he just get it at home” or anything like that. He’s a busy guy. His wife, bless her soul, is a
busy woman. They don’t have much time to get together. When they have sex, I’m sure it’s a magical
and wonderful thing. When you get to be their age, you just don’t have time for magical,
wonderful things anymore. You just want to get off.
For all we know, it might have made him perform his duties as president better because he was more
relaxed while on the job.
also, new thing in special sauce as of the 29th
I can’t believe how unreliable internet service providers are, for the most part. With the connection
I’m using here, we sometimes have to dial 3 or 4 times before we can get a connection due to
“no carrier signal” or “remote server not responding” messages. Then, once we get one, it likes to
kick us off for no apparent reason every now and then. I know this is pretty common as far
as dialup ISP’s go, but could you imagine if the phone company was like this? Could you imagine
if you had to call somebody 3 or 4 times before you got through to them? Could you imagine if
you would just get regularly disconnected while talking on the phone? I guess it used to be that
way in the past… strange. I guess it will only get better, but I’m still waiting and it’ll be
a source of frustration the whole time. blah.
also, new thing in special sauce as of the 29th