Tuesday:

I got a message from an old friend today. I haven’t talked to him for 4 years. A lot’s happened over the years, but it still sorta sounds like we might get along ok. That’s good to know.

It’s sort of neat to think that you could part ways with a person or a group of people and still end up following roughly the same sort of path… I guess it’s a social inertia sort of thing. People really do move in a fairly predictable direction.

I do like to try to be as unpredictable as I can, though… and I’m attracted to people who do the same.

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really old

Tuesday:

I put my brain and body through the proverbial wringer a little too often, sometimes, I think. Somehow I managed to get through most of today with only 1 and a half hours of sleep… and now I’m up again after a 4 or so hour nap.

I do fantasize about managing to live this way all the time, though… It seems like it might be possible… especially if you have enough things to keep you busy (and I do).

But, then, whenever I sort of try to do it a little… I find myself getting tired and gradually slowing down… I think maybe it’s a reaction to the conflict of my schedule and the normal world time schedule. I try to just do what I want and/or need to do when I need to do it, but I do also have to do things for other people so some effort has to be made to merge schedules…

It works out, but I have to sleep more than maybe I would have to in a completely free-form situation.

Saturday:

my heart beats
inside my head
and my fingers drum
on the desk

the clock says now
and my stomach creeps
how do I know
what I think I feel?

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really old

Saturday:

Dealing with other people’s whims and wants is so difficult. And other people do have whims and wants, don’t they?

For every decision, there is always an equal and opposite opposition. When you’re growing up, it’s easy to wonder why we’re not farther along as a species… and then you start working and notice that most people don’t have any real ambition or plan for the future…

People have no goals. They want to buy this or that or get laid or get drunk or whatever, but what do they really want to do?

Do they want to make some change in the world around them? Or even just make the world more beautiful?

I guess maybe I might be being a little hard on people. It is difficult to get up in the morning and go to work and do the whole life thing and still have time and energy left over to be a hero.

But I guess it’s sort of a cycle because you wouldn’t have to be a hero to change the world if everyone just worked together… one person alone has to be might strong to move a river.

Wednesday:

There’s this weird feeling I have when things seem to be going a little too well with some situation. I guess that means I’m a pessimist right?

I dunno… I guess I’ve just gotten used to there always being complications in everything I do.

Well, now, something seems to be going well… I might even go so far as to say that something seems to be going right.

I don’t like to get too crazy, though, so I won’t quite say that.

When there is something that is going well, it makes everything else seem to go a bit better, too.
Funny, that.

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really old

Wednesday:

It seems as if I somehow forgot to do a beating for this day.

Monday:

The longer I live, the longer I want to live. I used to want to live a long time so I might have some chance to make a change for the good. I have this notion that I have some clue what’s wrong with the world around me.

What I have come to realize, though, is that I really am powerless to fix things to be the way I might like them to be. They are this way for a reason. Everything is locked. For every good, there is a bad and all that.

Now, the mission is to try to come to terms with the way things are. I am still oh so young and oh so unable to really take it all in and deal with it. I don’t want to be hard before I’m ready. I don’t want to hold my hard face all of the time… I really don’t. I already do it most of the time, and there is oh so much more to see.

I really wonder if I will be able to continue on such an open track. I’m trying not to crawl up into a defensive ball… I want to take it all in… everything I can. But, I also want to maintain some sort of connection with the child spirit within me… I hope I can do that.

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really old

Monday:

I am glad to have people around me offering their support and guidance. I really do look up to a lot of the people I know. They manage to figure out so many things that I just can’t bring myself to think about.

I have such a tender heart and a tender mind. I don’t want to have to think too many hard thoughts. I know I’ll have to deal with a lot of things in my lifetime, but I have patience… I want to be prepared. I guess I’m scared.
I’m a baby.
crying softly to myself and then screaming and then crying some more…

Most of the time lately, I’ve been trying to just keep things to myself, though, because I’m starting to worry that I’m just wasting everyone’s time. I’m not really making anything better… so I might as well just not worry and do what I need to do to let myself forget all the bad and embrace the rhythms and the melodies and the rhymes.

Sunday:

I like to go to a party and see some kids bopping and smiling and sweating and all that… and sometimes it makes me feel like maybe all these things going through my head don’t really matter… and maybe they don’t for that one instant.

Maybe, we are all one and we are dancing to the beat of the sun. And the heat is beating down. And we are feeling it.

And we are loving it.
And we are loving each other.
And the music is feeling us feeling it.

And the music doesn’t stop.
And we plop down, to the ground.
Down.
yee-ah.

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really old

Sunday:

the authorities.
in control.
kickin’ your shit.
all over hell and back.

And they expect respect.
they expect admiration and cooperation.

when they are the cause of every problem.

it’s a tough job, right?
and some niggaz gotta do it.
or do they?