Category: really old

Some things will never cease to fascinate and amaze me. I can feel good knowing that. No matter what else goes on, there will always be things that will still give me simple delight.

And as I grow up and the world around destroys itself, or maybe just as my naive impression of the world does that, those simple delights will become increasingly important to me. And I will have to hold onto them.

The look in some people’s eyes goes so deep… and so far. And I wonder if they are seeing as deeply into me and I wonder if I am really seeing what I think I see… and I don’t know what it all means, but I have hope.

I got out and about today.
I bought some nice solid colored clothing.

I was also up all day, during the day, while the sun was out… and I even went outside for quite a lot of it. Well… I was in my car anyway.

Fun club stuff last night. Drum n bass all in your face and down your spine and into your toes.

I’ve had the sound of the rain to keep me company all day. It’s a nice sound. It’s soothing. I wish my head wasn’t so heavy so I could maybe appreciate it more.

Things are going well, but it feels like my grip is slipping. It’s that moment right before you let go of something heavy and it crashes down. There’s a moment where you have time to do something, but you are paralyzed by the knowledge that there is nothing you can do.

I should just be happy for what I have.
For some reason, I can’t be, though. I always want more. I see things and I want them. It’s how I know I’m alive, I think.

Maybe it really is all about love. Maybe. Maybe.

Cigarette smoke is gross!
Why do people sit around in a room and just smoke and smoke?
It gets all in your clothes and makes everything smell 1000 years old.

I keep thinking that I am going to have to start smoking so I can understand it. The smoke probably won’t bother me as much then, either.

And now I’m moving into a building with 3 or 4 other smokers. Geez.

I got a message from someone who will have lived 10,000 days on Jan 1, 2000.

If that isn’t special, I don’t know what is.

We spent some time in the building today. We did a little cleaning, and a little planning, and a bit of arguing. I tried to follow some of the wires around the building to see where they lead and where they come from. It’s going to take us forever to figure all that stuff out. I hope we’re able to.

It’s a cool place to be. I hope I can feel comfortable there eventually. It’s a new life-situation and that stresses me out a bit. I’m used to how things are now… I used to look forward to big changes, but I’m starting to get tired. Tired of dealing with new things. I guess I’m starting to get old. I’m starting to learn to deal with things the way they are.

I’m starting to understand conservatism, I guess.

I think I may have caught step-throat! Doh!
I need to be more careful.

This should have gone in Daily Beating… but I had a nice dream. I met a couple of girls with lots of tattoos and they told me about a crazy club where some people were smoking out of a 4-foot bong with a massive bowl.

I declined the offer.

have you ever heard of “beating some sense into someone”? Sometimes I want to do that. I don’t know if I could actually bring myself to beat someone else, but boy, sometimes I wonder.

Some people seem to have been asleep in kindergarten when they were teaching us how to share and be nice to each other. Some people seem to have managed to get through kindergarten without learning those valuable lessons.

Do I have a specific example in mind here? Not really. Maybe… I dunno. I don’t think so.

I just want things to be simpler. People are so afraid of getting hurt they build up these fortresses of constructs and defense mechanisms. So now, in our culture, there are a bunch of fortresses walking around, never getting too close to each other for fear of accidentally bumping heads.

I have been dreaming about failures lately. Mostly love-life failures. Some of the dreams seem to be based on real life, but some of them seem to just be there to try to discourage me or something… or maybe my dream self understands me enough to know that thinking about failing in some area of my life will possibly motivate me to actively think about that end of things and try to improve.

So, maybe it’s a sign that I should be out lookin’ for some lovin’

The Ego Issue.

Is it good for each person to have an ego?

Does that only lead to competition and eventually violence?

Or can multiple egos coexist peacefully?

Most people would like to think so, and I would like to as well.

But I don’t really know.