On my way home from the studio tonight, I started thinking about all the cars I was passing and the differences between the lives of the people in the cars passing and the cars being passed.

I don’t drive an especially fast car, but the years of living in Los Angeles have had an impact on my driving. I like to be going 80 mph whenever possible. And whenever I’m behind someone who is not going as fast as traffic will allow, I start cursing them in my head and wondering why in the hell they aren’t in a hurry.

Sometimes I like to humor myself and think I’m just driving more quickly so I can spend more time wherever it is I’m going. But I’ve realized that I also sometimes try to do non-car-related things quickly, too. I like to feel like I’m accomplishing lots of things every day and week.

I think maybe I feel like I won’t have time to do all the things I want to do if I don’t accomplish lots of things all the time…

But I started thinking in the car tonight that maybe I’m just rushing through life and not really living it as fully as I could be. I’m starting to worry that I might end up fifty and realize I haven’t really lived. Just accomplishing things and not living pretty much just makes you a robot.

I don’t think I’m really quite that bad, but it is something to think about when you’re driving down a familiar road as quickly as you can.

I’m thinking of small things.
Lots of small things, circling about looking for one another.
If they do happen to find each other, they don’t know what to do. They just bump into each other and stop for a moment, puzzled, and then continue on. Maybe they don’t even actually realize they are looking for each other. And then maybe they really aren’t even looking for each other at all. Maybe they really are just flying around with no purpose at all.

laughing at something that isn’t really funny just because I want you to laugh, too.
and then ever so happy that you laugh just because I laugh, and I know we could be lovers.
But then also knowing that possibly we will never be because that’s just how the world I am in works.
But then still for that moment not really caring because you are laughing and just right then there’s nothing I could want more.

police, disrupting your flow.
take it you do, and you go.
yes. indeed. what a shame.
intensities crowded and butted out.
terrors torn to know.

So.

I spent the evening with a bunch of really nice and wonderful people. Family and friends of a friend. One time meetings are always pretty easy to do, though, I guess. That doesn’t take anything away from it for me, though. (Cynical me!)

I hope I manage to have some more fun times like that in coming weeks.

I really do like meeting new people. It gives me a chance to really watch myself some more… Self.

speckled seasons
frowning reasons
bleaching sandals
and beaching vandals
exploding our desire to thrill.

Connections colliding.
Spawning recitals of poetry and song.
Redirecting wisps of smoke…

To the end of endings,
and the dawn of power,
You’ll follow my trail with your nose.

Hear me cry your name,
again and again. Will you know?

Repeat and redirect and reject, perhaps.
Overemphasize and misdirect and in effect,
destroy.

Winter Music Conference in Miami: The Special Report

We’re down with day 1 of the week-long Winter Music Festival in sunny, wild Miami Beach, Florida. The Winter Music Festival is a gathering of people involved in the underground dance music industry. It’s a great chance to see and hear lots of great DJ’s and producers and do what you can to talk to them and exchange contact info. It’s also a great time to do a whole lot of partying. What else are a bunch of music people going to do?

We spent most of the day yesterday waiting in line to register and sitting around with other people here for the conference. Last night, we made our way out to South Beach (the place to party in Miami) for a big overpriced massive. We got in for the low low pre-sale price of $45. Tickets at the door were $60! It went all day and ended at 11pm. Rabbit in the Moon closed the show with an interesting set. I had never seen them before and wasn’t actually ready for the stage show. It’s worth checking out if they ever come to you area.

After that party, Jorge and I made the 16 block trek to a club called Zanzibar where LA’s Junglist Platoon were hosting a small party with a lot of local LA drum n bass DJ’s as well as special guest John B! Everyone involved played great sets, and the Corona was warm and welcoming, as always.

Today, we’re reclining in the Ambassador suite, waiting for some food. Maybe we’ll even do something halfway productive later.

I had to wait 3 hours in line to get into an overcrowded party last night. It could have been fun, but I was hungry and tired by the time I got in. I ended up leaving after about 20 minutes. That was $20 well spent, I think.

Oh well. I’m sure there was some reason for it that’s beyond my scope of understanding. Yeah. ahaha.

There is a silencing factor in the world today. If you want to keep what you have, you won’t speak out against the powers that have made it possible for you to have those things. I used to be irreverent and fuck all that shit and what-not, but now I have more things, and I like those things, and I am quiet.

The truth.

The things in my head go round and round, round and round, round and round. The things in my head go round and round, all night long.

And still I can’t figure out what I’m trying to formulate… and I fear it’s because I don’t want to come to the answer that seems obvious. I can’t bring myself to decide something I don’t want to be.

So, instead I just analyze over and over and recalculate and attempt to determine where I might be wrong. And then eventually I just decide I don’t really know, even though I might.

I just play games with myself and it really does suck up a whole lot of time.

I was just dreaming about something I’ve dreamed before. I like it when that happens. It feels like maybe there is something else going on somewhere.

In this dream, I am standing in an official office of some sort, like maybe a post office. There’s a counter and a bunch of people waiting in line. Up on the wall are a bunch of big posters, with words printed on them in a typewriter sort of font (like courier, probably). The posters seem to be segments of a Kurt Vonnegut story I haven’t read. There are also some other posters with other things printed on them. A few tell the story of a local 16 year old boy who runs the local computer repair place. It tells me he saved up for a year to get his new G4 450 (whoo!), and it also mentions that “other computers are just beers”. Sort of funny. Pro-mac dream.

The Kurt Vonnegut story is interesting, too… I guess I just made it up, but there isn’t a whole lot to it.

Mostly the dream just seems to be telling me that I’m staring at words on the wall while the world is shuffling about around me.

I really think people in the middle of the country might be dumber than people on the coasts. I know comedians have said such things in the past… but I think it might really be true. I don’t know why… I’m working on some theories, still.

Weird.

A refreshing, slow day yesterday keeps me humming to myself today. I’m not too worried about this or that thing, or that or this problem. I’m wandering from thought to thought where just days ago, I was trying hard not to race. I do feel that maybe something solid has been lifted from our shoulders, though I don’t want to be too quick to assume. And maybe it’s all just magick, and maybe I believe it.

I am signing in my head sometimes. I am hearing the invisible raindrops bounce off the tin roof I call my mind. I am. Hahah.

I am putting some words together in some sort of attempt to avoid really saying anything at all. I am bobbling about and juggling with the truth. Haha. I am.

I am wanting to be great, and I am almost willing to admit it to myself. I crave power like anybody, and I know that, and I want to not think about it, but I don’t know if that will make it go away. For some reason, I think it won’t.

And I have been thinking about Cuba in a very real way, and I don’t know if I could give up everything I’ve gained for myself and my friends just so that a bunch of people I dislike can be equal to me. I guess actually a lot of those people might flee with the shit hits the proverbial fan, though. I guess. Yeah. hahah.

And the cup. What about the cup? Is it going down? Or it is going up? It could be 1/3 full and rising or not. I dunno. It’s like thinking about whether the universe is expanding or contracting…. Who cares? Seriously.

Yeah, the sweet smells of nauseous obsession. Sweet. When you want something, and you think you should have it, but then it just doesn’t come. Or maybe it comes, but not with you. Or something sinister like that.

And it’s weird, because times like that are what most make me feel human. I feel very not in control of the situation. I’m just riding along on my fantasies. Or maybe on somebody else’s fantasies that I’ve just read or seen on TV.

disaster!

stupid dunderhead crackers decided to fuck our shit up.
we’ve been working constantly for a few days now to fix everything, and more things are coming up broken all the time.

this will never happen again, we’ll make sure of that. but it still sucks this time.

Things are definitely starting to shape up around here… the playroom now has a nice new ping-pong table to go with the pool table… as well as a fancy new dart board! Woo. I haven’t had a chance to play darts in forever! I played a little bit today… I think I’m gonna really get into it… Dartmasterdom, here I come!

Why is it so hard to eat with a group of 6 people? Or more, I suppose?

I guess it just makes things harder for the eating establishment, and it makes you officially a large group… it takes more than one car … the whole shebang.

I think maybe I will make an effort to minimize the times that I eat in a group that large. It’s ok for special occasions like birthdays or bar mitzvahs, but not for day to day sustenance.

I like to go to a party and see some kids bopping and smiling and sweating and all that… and sometimes it makes me feel like maybe all these things going through my head don’t really matter… and maybe they don’t for that one instant.

Maybe, we are all one and we are dancing to the beat of the sun. And the heat is beating down. And we are feeling it.

And we are loving it.
And we are loving each other.
And the music is feeling us feeling it.

And the music doesn’t stop.
And we plop down, to the ground.
Down.
yee-ah.

An explosion is caused by the collision of two minds, each bent on triumph. A roar and an aaarrrgh, and the clash of cold steel.

This warrior stands alone, and no crowd is there to watch. The rich smell of blood hangs heavy in the damp air, and the only sound is the sizzle of ancient electric lines, conduits of power long misunderstood.

We had a really great party last night.
Good amount of people. No dunderheads doing anything to mess things up. Good sound.

But we lost loads of money. Der.
It happens. It’s easier to deal with when the party itself was cool, too.

It was an unlucky date or something. We had to make some last minute changes, and it made some small issues bigger issues.

And boy am I tired today.

“I love it when a plan comes together.”

The building is ours! The lease has been signed! I made copies of the key and distributed them. Now we have to start on the long trek ahead… moving in, setting up phones, internet, etc, installing alarm system, replacing some carpet, repainting some parts, buying furniture and equipment.

The whole shebang.

New Dream Network World Headquarters and
The Los Angeles Center for the Exploration of Hyper-Modern Art
is born.

I cannot go on without the knowledge that other people are seeing what I am doing.

I am unable to exist without some eyes watching me. I am attention-hungry… but I still slink to the back of a room in public situations. I still stay out of conversations and try to not be noticed anymore than my unusual appearance warrants.

I need to know that I am not quite a part of the group, but that the group still knows I am there.

(I think I need to change the name of these postings.)

I am always hungry for more. I am not satisfied with what I have. I never am. It’s a bit of a curse. It certainly gets in the way of relationships.

I am not quite a perfectionist because I don’t believe in perfection. I believe that something can always be better or worse.

I didn’t go out last night. I stayed home and got to know my computer a little better.

That’s a good thing to do once in awhile… and this weekend has seemed so long as a result!

I think we’re going to go out tomorrow night, though. After Ally!

Stayed up way late again. Had a good breakfast, though.

Fiddling with damn computer and sound card. Bunch of crap if you ask me.

I’m still worried about the state of the world. No real developments there from what I can tell. I did sleep all day, though.

I’m starting to really think about the way I interact with other people, especially possible love interests. I really louse things up most of the time.

Fun party.
Small, lots of new people. I kept myself, but a couple of cuties paid me some dues and gave me some attention. Life is ok.

It’s getting better overall, I’d say.

Lemme see. some words of wisdom…

If you can forget that you’re falling down a long hole that will almost certainly end in your end, you might be able to take some time to watch the scene that’s passing you by.

No matter how many things I think about and mull over and get all excited or pissed off about … walking through a kitchen with some fresh food and a bunch of spices and seasonings and all sorts of other delectables all bunched together and a smell that makes you stop and sniff… well, that just makes me not care for minute.

Food is good!

kids are cool.
They talk cooler than adults.
They dress cooler than adults.
They think cooler than adults.

They are still young enough to quit smoking and still live a long time.
They are still young enough to make big mistakes and still have an
ok life.

Kids are great.
I just wish they could be as wonderful and innocent as they are and still sort of have some greater view of things at the same time.

I guess the idea is for everyone to try to retain the best parts of being a kid as you grow up. Don’t let those little kid-things slip away just because you have to deal with frustrating situations all the time. Hold on to your inner-kid.

People are so dumb.
They can’t seem to pay attention to the world around them and actually make sense of anything at the same time. If someone is making sense of something, she/he is almost certainly not paying attention to everything else going on. And vice versa.

The result of that is that no one seems to be able to put 4 and 4 together after they have put two different sets of 2 and 2 together. Nobody can integrate all of their knowledge together to form anything resembling an opinion or (gasp) a creative thought.

I think it’s the fault of our dull public education system. Where’s the philosophy? Where’s the art? Where’s the inspiration?

Sometimes I look out at the sky, and I clap my hands over my ears and I open up my lungs with a great big breath of air and I think about everything that is bothering me and I scream.

And that makes me feel better.

I hung out with some more relatives yesterday. I hadn’t seen them for 13 years. They commented on how tall I was. They didn’t remark on my facial piercings.

They are probably a bit old-fashioned, but they took things in stride. They’re sort of old, but not decrepit in the least. I expected them to be much less able to converse. I have a lot to learn about old people.

All these words are piling
up in my head and
sometimes no ones is
there to listen to me…
and I admit it gets sort
of old anyway…

So I tell you, and you
listen. Always. You never
get tired of hearing me
spill the mysteries of my mind.

You are my soul.

(this goes along with the
Weekly Shine)

While we were at IKEA, I was mistaken for an employee by some knucklehead. I am comfortable with the way I present myself to the world, but I might need to consider a change in wardrobe.

Maybe just a slight directional shift might even help.

I should consider starting to shift my wardrobe towards something a little less like a furniture store employee uniform.

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I’m sort of dogged out today. I had too much fun this weekend, I guess… too much. And now I’m not certain what I should be doing (I normally work on Sunday evening … bad habit left over from college, I guess) or what.

One of the nice things about school was the structure. It was always pretty easy to tell what you were neglecting. If you went to class, you had a syllabus and it told you what you should be doing. Easy.

Now, I have to keep track of it myself. Maybe I should make up my own syllabus…

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My room is too small! I’ve been gradually accumulating electronic equipment over the past year or so. I’ve also been gradually organizing things more and more to fit stuff in, but it’s becoming quite clear that I need a bigger room. Unfortunately, there are no free rooms in my house… I’ll just have to deal.

I’m gonna try to do a more drastic rearrangement tonight… I have an idea that might give me some more space and more desktop space… that would make me happy.

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Drat! My super powers have faded to a mere glimmer of what they once were! I will
have to use my mortal wits to escape my fate now!