I’m heading to Connecticut with Jason for a wedding. I have a lot of weddings to go to this year! I think maybe the times they are a changing and all that.

The emotional girl got upset when I was beating her at Tetris the other day. I felt bad. I was just playing well that day. No biggie.

It’s ok now.

I have been so slow to update lately.
I’m sorry!

I’ve had a lot of thinking going on.
I also went snowboarding and stuff like that.

Yesterday I went to Internet World LA and saw all the big hype. It’s interesting and thought-provoking and tiring and annoying. As all conferences tend to be.

Now I am working on coming up with lots of brilliant ideas to make Newdream lots and lots of money without costing us very much. I will be extremely successful, of course, and the riches will come rolling in.

There’s this funny feeling you get when you see things working out in oddly comforting ways. Our skeptic nature makes us want to look deeper. “Too good to be true.” You’ve heard it before.

I want to forget that feeling, though… and let things take their course. If I get taken along the way, then I guess that’s just how it’s going to be.

dripping down against the wall,
I reach up for something, a light switch,
anything to protect me from this fall.

I angle my fears towards the ground beneath,
coming up fast, I am together with it now.
And I stop a moment to give life a thought and then it sweeps me away.

And together we shout, me, myself, and I,
and we shout about never never land and a girl we once knew.
And somewhere far away, she pauses her paradise for a moment of contemplation.
And we know, me, myself, and I,
that she’s thinking about us. Together at last.

Last night I went out to our usual Monday night hangout with some of the usual Monday night crew. I ended up staying up too late working on music as a result. I have been getting up pretty late this week. I’m not sure why that is. It might just be the holiday slowdown coming on. That’s somewhat acceptable.

I need to finish this track I have going on. I think people might like to hear it. I think I might like to hear it, too. All in one. Hearing bits of it over and over is nice and all, but I could have more fun for sure. The problem is that I’m never super duper happy with the finished tracks… I always see what it could have been rather than what it is. The difference between those two things is shrinking, though. That’s nice.

I’m somewhat hopeful lately.
Haha. optimism.

The thought of maybe falling in love does excite my mind quite a bit. It’s one of those things that keeps me poised at my keyboard for moments upon moments, waiting for letters to start coming out, and then slowly, hesitatingly, they do. And they do. And they don’t spell out anything of much use.

I think I would like to fall in love with somebody willfull enough to make me forget everything and not want to remember. Oh, romantic me. Oh hahaha. Not want to remember. That’s nice.

No, but I really do need someone to make me stop doing the things that I really don’t care about and start doing all the things I do care about. I guess I’d have to really figure out what those things are first, though.

Life is a maze, it seems, but there is no reason to try to win, because there’s nothing of interest at the middle. Mazes can be fun, though. You can meet a lot of interesting people in the middle of them, for sure.

A worm? A worm. C’mon inside and meet the missus. I love that part of labyrinth… with the little worm inviting the big people into his small crack in the wall house for tea.

So, I go la la la ing all the way into tomorrow morning, then.

ironic derogatives
dreadful degenerates.
smiling without teeth
slithering tongues colliding.
derived esoterics harping on erotic.
the creation of nothingness
is supervised by everybody.
listen in on alien conversations
and struggle to join the perfect opposites.

My cat’s been sort of nicer to me lately. I think she’s warming up a bit. She’s grown up in this crazy big place with lots of other cats around. It’s hard for a small, young cat to really get comfortable here. That’s too bad, you know?

I’ve decided I’m going to start reading more regularly again. I think it’s a good time in my life. I have tons of free time and all that.

la la la de da
waiting for the water to fall.
la da la de doo
I wonder just what it’s going to do.

Shifty shy and the shiney sonuvaguns started watching the sunset every evening one day, and they just never went back.

The gods are battling it out.
Mount Olympus will never be the same.

One god is being replaced by two.
Twin towers, separated at birth.

All eras die at some point, I guess.
Some people are too quick to wanna nail down the coffin, though. The death of a known beast could be the beginning of a greater unknown.

With unknown, there can always be hope, however.

I feel like giving up sometimes. All my power is just air. I’m floating up into the sky, but I’ll fall again some day.

I need to stop picking fights with people, too. I should just forget about things and let it all go, you know? Everything is aok.
And then people will just call me a whimp. Ahaha. And I care.

Laser tag my butt today,
loser dork-head poop.
Just see how much it hurts.
And we’ll both remember anyway,
probably longer than our first kiss.
But maybe not.

I realized tonight that I define everything in my life by what I see wrong with it. Everything is a sum of it’s faults… the things about it keeping it from being perfect in my eyes.

That’s almost sick. It also means I’ll never notice anything that really is perfect. Or maybe I will, but I’ll never quite be able to deal with it.

radio reasons beam out to outer space
no one, perhaps, is there to listen, and that’s too bad
I guess, because if we are not there, then who will be?
and will they be friendly?

revolving simplicities fuel the exploding relationships betrween evil and more evil,
and denegrating evolutionary cycles do nothing to reveal the inner turmoil
tick tock toenails biting at the truth
tuh tuh ta tee

I have to prepare myself to deal with that whole large group inertia thing for the next couple of days… whenever you get involved with a group larger than 5 or so, there starts to be a considerable amount of group inertia… nobody can decide what we want to do, or how we want to do it, or when we want to do it… and then when we do decide, it takes as much time to get everyone together and out the door as it does to do whatever group activity we’ve come up with.

It’s not that bad, I don’t guess… but it is draining, still.

We’re all pinwheeling our arms around and around out in a grassy field under a clear, blue sky. And we don’t want to run into each other as we spin around, but we sort of do, too.

There’s so much open space across America and it seems to mostly be filling up with large stores, restaurants, cinemas, and minimalls. It looks the same almost everywhere I’ve been… lots of open, grassy sort of areas… with lots of big, brand-new buildings popping up in place of wildflowers and tumbleweed.

I guess that’s what urban sprawl is, and it seems to be the primary thought export of Los Angeles.

ick.

de message n de starz.

technology is just another bogus religion. It promises to be the bringer of all you need and really only causes more problems than it can ever fix.

That seems pretty pessimistic to me, and I guess it probably is, but it’s just hard to shake the feeling that we’re just spinning along, feeling the wind in our face, and not really noticing what we’re riding over…

It’s easy to get caught up in things, I guess. You have to try to stay aware and awake while doing it, though, so you can tell other people what it’s like so they can maybe try to not get caught up in it when it gets to them. Eventually, someone will figure it out, right?

hot tub
swirling water around my ears.
drowzy giggle.
slip back and fall down.
dim dum.
zim zum.
zee.

It’s raining today. It rains so seldom here.
I’m looking forward to whatever that might mean.
It might mean a fresh start for a new morning tomorrow.. perhaps the sky will be a little less brown (boy, was it ugly yesterday!), or perhaps the clouds will be a little bit puffier.
It might also mean a light dew will fall on our heads from the big dark sky while we look up into the face of god… and wait for whatever message might come forth.

To you and yours: Be pleasant to one another. Don’t fight about stupid shit. Don’t care about things that don’t matter. Actually try to figure out for yourself what does matter. If everyone did that… there’d be a whole lot of people thinking that weren’t before.

Rar.

I am beating my head against this post that I have put in the ground so I would have something to lean on. It’s the truth, haha, that I base my philosophy, even more hahaha, on. The truth that’s somewhere deep inside of me.

That said. Love. Fuck that shit. Technology’s where it’s at.
Right?

No matter how much money I spend on toys, nothing can make me feel like the moment an amazing beautiful young thing catches me trying to catch her eye. Nothing.

That’s not to say that feeling is the only thing worth striving for… hardly, ahaha. No, but its just an illustration of sorts that maybe people really do grow up and maybe there really is more to life than the mechanics of the world going on around us. Maybe, just maybe, we can have a chance to think and feel alike once in awhile, and maybe, just maybe, that’s really all that matters.

As if anything really matters. ahaha.

Iemon rods
and ice cubes
lick my fingers
and watch me run

all down
always up
throw down a lick
and here I come

drizzle and shine
thick with thin
melancholy carnival
time out of mind.

rattling in my head
am I dead?

rotating reasons in my mind
what did I find?

angry enemy terrorizing me
do I care?

Today is my birthday!

yay for me!

I’ve been getting attention from a couple of random internet people. That’s always cool. It makes me feel like there’s some sort of method to all of this madness. At the very least, I will be able to say that I traded some thoughts with some people I would have probably never have otherwise met.

I was also thinking today that a large portion of my day is actually spent reading and writing… it’s all about absorbing the thoughts of others and integrating thing with my own and processing that mess and spitting out some sort of organized gook.

It’s sort of like making cookies…

I’ve been sorta lonely, lately. I think I’ve been noticing certain moments more than others, and those moments are the ones when I’m walking to my car after a night of fun or I’m laying in bed trying to fall asleep, thinking to myself.

It’s the times when I really am by myself. Sometimes, I’m so busy I don’t have time to take notice. But, sometimes the feeling asserts itself enough, and I can’t help but pay attention.

And then last night I had a dream involving Ally McBeal! Help!

I should call a certain girl that’s been in my mind. A few girls have actually been in my mind, but I should call one of them in particular. I just got her number recently.

She’s interesting. I like interesting. I think she might even be somewhat inspiring. I like that, too. We’ll see. I’ll call her soon.

Some things will never cease to fascinate and amaze me. I can feel good knowing that. No matter what else goes on, there will always be things that will still give me simple delight.

And as I grow up and the world around destroys itself, or maybe just as my naive impression of the world does that, those simple delights will become increasingly important to me. And I will have to hold onto them.

The look in some people’s eyes goes so deep… and so far. And I wonder if they are seeing as deeply into me and I wonder if I am really seeing what I think I see… and I don’t know what it all means, but I have hope.

Today, I saw a woman driving on the freeway in an aging American car, with a sticker on the back window that said, “I heart Tupperware”, but with a little heart symbol instead of the word heart.

Also, I saw a man standing in the middle of a busy street with lots of people walking around, shopping and stuff (Santa Monica 3rd St Promenade, no cars, just people), and the man was yelling things about the end of the world or something.

Weird.
I am blessed.

There’s still so much to do. Things are coming along, though.

I’m frantic all the time, and I haven’t had much time to update the website or keep the world informed of my situation. I know it’s been a bother, but it will all be worth it!

Someone wrote me some nice comments. Thank you someone.

What’s weird is that he talks about how he feels like he knows me (which is quite a sweet compliment, I think) but I don’t know him. It’s true. See how above I only call him ‘someone’? That proves.

I guess one thing I think, though, is that I now know him better than I’ll ever know most of the people I see in the supermarket.

This crazy communications technology has made the whole concept of geography irrelevant. That is sort of neat because it allows new ideas to form that never would have before, but it’s sort of sucky because people don’t even hang out with their next-door neighbors anymore. I’ve said this before, but it’s still true.

It’s sad. But this is the blessing, so thanks someone for making me happy.

I just realized something interesting:

Kung-fu movies are technological poetry.

And the art has grown.

The worst part is that my ego has no basis in reality. Well, not the Queen’s reality, anyway. But who cares about that?

We each make up our own story. Some of us just tell ours better.

I am lonely.
I fear I will be lonely forever.
I am not lonely because I don’t have people
around me. I am lonely because I know I am not like most people I see.

I don’t understand why people do what they do. I don’t understand why they don’t care the way I do.

And even more, I feel that I may be wrong.

Everything in America is about money.

No matter how you cut it or how much you try to forget it.

You can suck nitrous balloons all your life or fill your veins full of heroin or peanut butter or whatever, and nothing is going to change.

It’s all about dollars, cash, money.
Money is all most people think about. They worry about paying for this or that. They want to make their millions so they can drive their fancy cars and fuck their fancy women. They want to wear the nicest clothes and be seen in the ritziest places and they’ll do just about anything they can to make that happen.

It’s more addictive than any other thing on our planet. Once you have a little more than a little, you will always want more.

And more.

And it goes on. And there’s nothing you or anyone else can do about it.

I went shopping this morning at about 9am. It was part of my wind-down process before bed. I sleep totally during the normal day now.

The supermarket is a different place at that time. People are more relaxed and less rushed. I did all my shopping and everything was cool.

While I was in the dairy section, some man asked me to help him find a small container of milk that was normal. He didn’t want low-fat or lactose free or anything like that. Just plain milk.

Ok.. I thought… and I pointed to the first one that looked good, but, wouldn’t you know it?, it was lactose free. Hmmm, this is going to be harder than I first thought… but I continued scanning the milk and I found one that was appropriate, way to the left.

Phew!

Today was nice. I’m starting to get used to the family. They’re not all bad. Just different.

I got some mocassin-like slipper-type things. I think I’m gonna get pretty used to having them. I might not wear shoes much at all anymore.

Viva la vie!

I spent the last 4 hours (it’s now 3:30 AM) jamming with a bunch of people, playing records, bongos, congas, timbales, cowbells, blocks of wood, a bass guitar, a guitar, some shaker things, and a Roland synthesizer.

It was pretty hectic, but a whole heck of a lot of fun. Playing music (or … making noise) with a bunch of people is so much more fun than playing with yourself… oops, I mean *by* yourself.

Silly me.

hee hee.

I have more room in my rooom after the rearrange. I’ll put up a picture later in the day. I had fun yesterday. I hung out with some dear friends and we made some food and talked about technology and had a good ol’ time. There was no family pressures or incidents or anything like that.

I think Thanksgiving was always meant as more of a friends sort of holiday, anyway. That’s how the original pilgrims treated it.

I’ve been sleeping a lot again. I’m putting that in here because it’s not really a good thing overall. I get enough sleep always… that’s not really the issue. It’s when I start deciding to sleep more than normal that there starts to be a problem…

I think I just realized that it was probably because I had been drinking a lot of Coke last week… and then I stopped this week… I was sleeping more because of the comedown from the caffeine. That sounds silly, I know, but I assure you it’s not. That stuff is crazy. Coke’ll kill you. It sure does hit the spot sometimes, though…

Want more? Join G-COID!
Put your email address in this box
and devote! (hit return)…

I spent today gliding through my moments, bouncing here and over there, wildy
wondering what experience I might encounter next. I spend most days like that.
It’s strange, because I am quite organized while I’m bouncing hither and thither.
I have to be, because I try my darnedest to never really quite figure out where
it is I’m going. I sometimes start to act as if I might have a plan, but then,
more often than not I end up suddenly changing my mind at the last moment and doing
something spontaneous despite my better planning…

I’ve noticed that there hasn’t been much difference between my blessings and my
beatings lately. That’s sort of weird. I usually start either one with the idea
that I am actually going to stick to the topic category at hand, but then somewhere
during my meandering thoughts something weird happens and everything just goes to poop.
I hope you don’t mind. I’m still irritated by some Australian nincompoop (is that
how you spell that?) who sent me a weird email. Man. You don’t want my life.

And that’s good, because I don’t want yours, either.

We checked out a new spot for a party happening tomorrow night. It’s an industrial space.
Oh my, I want to get my own industrial space. There was so much room! I want
to get a big open room, with some smaller partitioned off rooms for personal stuff, and
I want to have a big jungle gym in the middle of it! I want to be able to climb around
on the junge gym whenever I want… Oh my. I’m so looking forward to that.

Want more? Join G-COID!
Put your email address in this box
and devote! (hit return)…

Do you ever see somebody when you’re out walking about or out dancing or out
mowing the lawn or out having a smoothie or whatever that just makes you
turn your head and look? You know, those people that instantaneously redefine
your concept of what it means to be sexy or alluring or cute or babealicious? Sometimes,
you might not even realize what has happened to you until a few days later when
you find yourself still thinking about that mystical person. Well, I just saw
one of those people in a club the other night. She was on the verge of beautiful
and hot at the same time, but there were still some noticeable flaws about her. It’s the
flaws that always get you. She also didn’t seem to care all that much about what was
going on around her. At first, I thought she wanted to leave, but then she started
dancing with some boy pretty hot-n-heavy and she seemed to like that… I did, anyway!
Ok. Enough with my blabbing.

A certain lover-baby is back for the attack safe in the house from the land of the big
bird. That’s all cool and all. Another certain wanna-lover-baby doesn’t seem to be
thinking of her big-bad-idallio enough for my liking. That could be better. The
moon and the stars are still shining bright, though us kids in LA can’t see it much
through the haze of that last bongo going bong in the night. And through it all,
all we can find the nerve to say is “cool”

At least that’s better than rad or wicked.

At least.

And then there’s awesome.

Awesome will return. And I’ll be ready for it.

Rage and vinegar and piss and sordid details of my sex life and racing through
my brain. I think it’s because I’m tired… writing these entries during the middle
of the day is different… I think maybe part of the edge is me being tired
all the time when I’m doing it. It’s that final spark of energy right before my lights
go out for another day. It’s the culmination of everything I wanted to accomplish
each day and didn’t. I’m pitiful. But, I am indeed a late-blooming progidy.
In fact, I’m still in development. One day, the world will be amazed that
someone my age is still so immature and trite. I’ll show them.

Fan-Mail Day:

Dear iDallas,

I used to think your site was pretty funny, but then you started droning on and on about
your stupid, FUCKING, boring life. I don’t want to hear about somebody else’s boring life.
Don’t you think that my life is just as stupid and FUCKING boring as yours is? Well, it is.
I look to you and people like you for some sort of soemthing different and interesting, as
opposed to stupid, FUCKING, and boring. I know it is your site (albeit stupid and FUCKING boring),
and it does say on the front page that it’s just for you, but still… I think that someone
with all of your obvious talent could do something better. Could you please just try?

Even more Bored than Before,
Joe-Bob

also, new thing in special sauce as of the 29th

I sit here and I stare at this screen sometimes (a different screen than I stare at most of
my life, but a now familiar screen nonetheless) and I wait for inspiration to beat me in the back
of my head so I can hope to possibly entertain somebody for one moment. Why do I do it? Maybe
because I’m just looking for dissapointment? Maybe because I’m looking for love anywhere I
might be able to find it? Maybe. Or maybe I’m just really obsessed with myself and I can’t
imagine the fact that no one else has started a website dedicated exclusively to me.
At any rate, I deserve sympathy.

I was woken up by a police car that was hanging out on the street in front of the house.
It seemed to be conversing with another police person about the happenings in the area. It had
it’s lighs on, and the conversation was loud enough so that it could me made out through the closed
windows. Sorta weird. It went on for about 20 or 30 minutes, I think. That, along
with the Black Panthers for Beginners book I’m reading has really got me irked against the
police. fuckers

Hey. Look at this: idallas vs The Purple Monkey.

Since I left college and starting working in the real world (more and less fun than
you might think at the same time), my spare thoughts have been increasingly devoted
toward establishing a physical sort of link with members of the opposite sex (hooking up,
as some people might say). I’ve been trying to figure out if maybe it might actually
be fun to just randomly hook up with never another word. I’ve also been trying
to figure out what’s so special about these so-called “hotties” or “babes”. Are they
really all they’re cracked up to be? What if they are and I’m missing out on the
experience of a lifetime?

Anyway, I find myself annoyed by all the steps that people seem willing to go through to
get to know people they don’t already know. People are willing to go through this
elaborate
process of first meeting, then doing some preliminary interacting (unfortunately not
generally involving hooking up), and then setting up a meeting that follows a
predefined sort of pattern (this meeting is usually called a date), and then on and on.
It also seems so ridiculous sometimes. Why can’t two people just see each other
on the street, go to some random nearby hut and proceed to hook up? You’ll probably learn
a lot of the really important stuff during that first hooking up section. I’m not
advocating random sex. I’m just suggesting that people should make out a little before
they even think about going out on a first date.

People could just see each other on the street, stare for a moment, and then both say,
“Wanna go hook up?” That would be dope.

I think it sucks that people don’t just get along and that there are lots of men out
there who think the only good use for a woman involves their penis. I think there’s
lots of other uses for a woman, mostly involving my big toe. Seriously, though.
Why can’t people just pretend for a minute that they don’t really think they’re such
hot shit and just really pay attention to how people respond to them? So many people
tell dumb jokes that no one laughs at. What’s the point in that? Also,
men make sort of sexual flirty comments to women and sometimes don’t really get much
response. Do they think that means the woman is flattered? I doubt it. A woman
will let you know if she’s flattered. You can count on that.

Don’t listen to me, though. I’m no pro or anything.

My heart kept beating for another day…

just kidding…

No. It really did keep beating, but that’s a lame thing for a blessing. That’s
more like the absence of a beating. Well, I guess that’s a blessing in itself.

I watched some Anime tonight. It was crazy. I got to witness the power of love.

I’m not very inpsired at 11 am after staying up all night. Why did I stay up all
night you ask? Well, I was up all night making deals. Big deals. The kind of deals
that change the course of the world. People like you can only be jealous of the kinds
of deals that I was making. On account of them being so big, you know.

big, big, bug.

Cult Leader Day:
Today, I will talk about the Global Cult of iDallas (G-COID). iDallas has pet peeves,
and those things have been designated by the G-COID as deadly sins. Here they
are, in no particular order.

• not signalling while driving
• laughing at things that aren’t funny
• talking about things that aren’t even worth doing
• driving a yellow economy car
• wasting my time
• lying
• being infectiously perky (not really, but I really want to not like those people…)
• making fun of other people
• not using your brain before you speak
• not using your brain after you speak
• eating meat without consideration

Good Advice: Don’t anger people who like to be angry.

Something I think is amazing about the internet is the way it can turn one person
into a star almost overnight. jennicam.org
was recently brought to my attention again (it seems to pop up every now and then).
It’s credited as being the first webcam site, where a person hooks up a camera to the
internet and turns it towards (him|her)self and forgets about it. This girl has one
in her bedroom and her living room and… basically, people love her. No reason.
That’s just what it is.

Also, I was thinking about that email that went around awhile ago… it was credited
at the time with being an MIT graduation speech by Kurt Vonnegut
(a personal hero of mine). It turns out that it was written by some other woman
who wrote it as a column for some other publication (my memory of specifics leaves
something to be desired). If I was her, I would have been overjoyed that people
would have even believed it for a moment.
Now it’s also the words for some song I’ve heard on the
radio by Baz Luhrman. Some guy says the words
over music. It’s a cool song.

All I can say, is hold on, it’s only gonna get weirder.

Bad Advice: Don’t pay attention to what people tell you.

Don’t you hate it when you’re playing a game with someone and they get all
frustrated and decide that they don’t want to play anymore? If you’re lucky,
the loser will just slink away and go pout in the corner with the music on really
loud or something. If you’re not lucky, the gameboard or controller might get tossed
in the air, possibly throwing little game pieces all over the place, too. That’s
crummy.

It was my birthday today. Thanks for forgetting about it! Nah, I forgive you.
I went out to eat with some friends. It was nice. We went to a brewery/restaurant
place in Pasadena, a mostly boring place in the Los Angeles area known for nice
restaurants and bored cops.

I’m a ripe 23 years now. That might sound old to you, and it might sound
young to you, but to me it sounds just right.

Now I just have to figure out how to act my age…

The soft sounds of the world outside my house that drift in as I sit at my desk
and churn away at some new thought or another are very special to me. I like to feel as
if I am in a physical community. That might be a simple unecessary desire, but it’s
there, and I’m glad for it.

Today, while I was filling up with gas, a little hispanic boy, probably about 11,
came up to me saying he was in some organization called Future Leaders of America
or something, and as one of those he said no to drugs and gangs and stuff. As
part of the activities of the organization, he was trying to sell some stuff to
get enough points or whatever to win a trip to Raging Waters (the water park
featured in Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure). That sounds cool, I thought.

“What are you selling?”

He quickly puts his white carrying box down and opens it up revealing a bunch of…
(how should I put it?) junk. He starts giving me the line on the candles, asking if I want
to smell them. I decline, and point to the big box of delicious gummy bears.

“How much for the gummy bears?”

“$6.”

“6 bucks? Woah…” I pause for a moment. “Ok. Give me the $6 gummy bears.”
It’s a pretty good cause, right? I’m helping out the little guy’s self confidence
and helping to keep the streets safe from thugs. That makes me feel good.

So I get in my car and drive off, my gas tank now full, and start opening the big box
of gummy bears. Inside I find a medium size bag of gummy bears, hardly filling a third
of the box. I pull out the bag, and it’s only half full.

I got jacked.

But I didn’t get jacked by the little boy. He’s trying to win a trip to Raging Waters.
I got jacked by the people who started the Future Leaders of America. They probably make
$5.50 profit on that $6 box of gummy bears. That’s pretty crummy, but on top of that
they make little kids do the footwork, and they reward them with something worth like
$30 (a trip to Raging Waters). I bet most of the kids work their butts off, and don’t
even get to go anywhere.

I’m so glad people like that exist in the world.

Good, old-fashioned ingenuity is what got America where it is today, and it’s what’s
gonna keep us here.
God bless us. Every one.